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VBAC
BananaBlitz
member
Guilt about VBAC?
BananaBlitz
member
in VBAC
Its funny, I went into the hospital without a birth plan because I'm really a "go with the flow" kind of person...I had no problem with having a c-section because I know I tried my hardest for a vaginal birth and circumstances out of my control prevented it. It happens.
But, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that I didn't get to hold DD right after she was born. I had to wait about an hour and a half....which in hindsight I know isn't too long compared to others. It could have been sooner, but I was shaking horribly from the spinal so I didn't feel comfortable. DH held her next to me, and I spoke to her...she calmed down immediately when she heard my voice. When I did get to finally hold her, we tried BF'ing, and she latched on without a problem. And of course, we're totally bonded right now. Still, I am just so devastated that we missed out on those first bonding moments together. I can't watch anything on TV or even really hear someone else's birth story without getting upset over it, especially if they had a difficult labor/delivery like I did but lucked out with a "normal" vaginal birth where they got to hold their child.
I want to VBAC #2, but I feel like if it does work out, its not fair to DD that she and I missed out on that special moment, while I get to experience it with #2. Even though she has no memory of the experience. 
Anyone else feel this way? How did you overcome it?
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Re: Guilt about VBAC?
I think you might be feel differently when your first is older. Mine is 4 right now and I would feel more guilt having to be away from him in the hospital for 4+ days after a c/s than having a better bonding experience second time around. I guess it's all in how you look at it.
Other people have mentioned this before and honestly, this never occured to me when I was trying for a VBAC. DS and DD have two distinctly different birth stories. Both are special. Yes, DS's was NOT what I had planned and there are certainly things that I wish were different, but that doesn't mean that I had to have a CS for DD just to make things "even". Their entire lives are going to be different- why does their birth have to be exactly the same? They are different people, you know?
While I totally "get" what you are saying, you shouldn't feel guilty. Your children will not know the difference at all. You will love them the same regardless of how they got out of you!
This. If your first kid falls and skins their knee, you don't need to make sure the next one does at the same age. They don't to match, and they AREN'T going to match, even if you try. Don't stress about making things even. The only thing that needs to be the same is this: do the best you can with what you know and what you're presented with. You already did that with your first and you'll do it again with your second. For my first, the best thing I could have done was have a cesarean delivery. For my second, the best thing I could have done was have a vaginal delivery. Nothing wrong with that.
As a mother, you will have a unique relationship with each of your children and the depth of that relationship goes far beyond how your child was born. It's impossible to make sure everything is the same for each child, so you just need to accept that your c/s is in the past and can't be changed, and then do what's right for your family going forward. Your older child won't be jealous of that immediate hour right after birth because she'll probably never even know about it. So ask yourself if that's really a valid reason to have surgery. RCS is the right choice for some people, but you should choose that because you think it's what's right for you and your family, not because you think your older child is getting the short end of the stick when she isn't.
I also think my older child will benefit from a happier, healthier mom. If I can VBAC, I will be able to carry her and play with her a lot more after the birth than if I have another c/s. And hopefully I will be happier about how the birth went, and happy mom = happy kids.
I was really upset that I couldn't hold my daughter right away either, and I will do what I can to have this birth go differently. Just because I lost out on that moment with one birth doesn't mean I have to lose out on all future births too.
And FWIW, the shakes often happen after vaginal births too. It's a normal side effect of the sudden hormone changes that happen when you deliver. So keep that in mind when you make your choice. GL!
I think it will even the odds for me. I can't imagine loving someone else as much as I love DD. So, baby #2 will get a little head start catching up if I love my birth experience.