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Single Parents
mdotm0904
member
custody headache....
mdotm0904
member
...not yet, we're trying to avoid that, which is why we're trying to discuss a parenting agreement out of court now before the baby even gets here. Small background, i'm 25. He's 38. He's (almost) divorced w/3 children (twins 8, single 7) that he has 50/50 joint custody of with his soon 2 be ex wife. Dated for a year. Pregnancy was unplanned. I have no other children. At first, he didn't even want the baby, even going so far as to say "oh, you want this baby. So i guess I shouldn't pray for a miscarriage then?"
His custody battle w/his ex was very bitter & I was there every step of the way so I can see how spiteful he can be (which has me beyond terrified). Anyway, last night while discussing our disfunctional relationship (we're no longer together), custody somehow got brought up. I told him I thought it was assumed that i'd be the primary caregiver & that I'd work with him to make sure he & his other children saw the baby often & that I'd discuss important decisions w/him but ultimately the decision was mine.
He called me selfish saying that the baby wasn't just mine, but ours & he wants 50/50. Seems like not a big deal right? well he's a bully & very manipulative & when he doesn't get his way, he's quick to threaten involving the court system.(or at least that's how he is w/his ex, he assures me it won't be like that w/us but i don't trust it) He assumes he's the better parent because he's done it before & he's older & I still live @ home w/my mom (who has been at every doctor's appointment & there every step of the way) He's also p!ssed that I mentioned moving out of state in the next couple of years (no concrete plans, just a goal).
My thoughts seeing as how I think i'd be more inclined to work w/him (like I said, he can be a bully, very controlling, manipulative, etc so it's tough to get him to compromise) is that I should have physical custody & seeing as how for right now, we literally live a mile from each other, I know that I'll still make sure he spends as much time w/the baby as he can. (also I'm in love with his 3 other children & them w/me, so I DEFINITELY know the baby & I will be around often). We'll also share legal custody (but if after numerous discussions if no consensus can be met, then i'd be given tie-breaking authority).
As long as he contributes financially, I won't even take him to court for child support because i'm not out for his money (he's African & thinks most African-American women are just money hungry women who try to take advantage of Africans
).
I think I'm being fair, I don't think I'm being selfish at all. I'm not denying him access to the child & I WANT him there & involved w/decision making. The main thing is just covering myself because I know how he is w/the courts & if we don't establish an agreement & I do something he doesn't like, I don't want to always look over my shoulder thinking he's going to try to "steal" our child from me.
Also, how soon do most of you do overnight visits for newborns? I was thinking the custody arrangement that we draft up wouldnt start until after 6months or so.
thanks in advance
This discussion has been closed.
Re: custody headache....
Ohhhh man...
Well, I don't know what state you live in....but you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. That could limit his rights at the beginning, and he'd have to go to court on his own accord to put his name on it after going through DNA testing...which is a long process...
So that could keep him from having rights to the baby at least in the beginning so you can figure things out. You can always add a name to the birth certificate, but it's my understanding that it's a lot harder (if not impossible, depending on the state your in) to remove it.
I know you want the father to be involved in LO's life, but he sounds like he can be pretty manipulative and aggressive when it comes to getting his way via the court system. That's why I suggest starting out with not putting the name on the certificate so you can at least have the upper hand in the beginning. That doesn't mean you wouldn't/couldn't still give the baby his last name if that is your plan.
As far as overnights...again, it's different in each state, but as long as the baby is exclusively breastfed, they can't do overnights. That is until the baby is either on pumped breastmilk or formula...
Again, it's all very tricky because each states laws are different.
I think it's great that you're getting a head start on the custody planning, but don't be surprised if you're not able to actually draw up paperwork, etc. until the baby is born. I wasn't able to do that until my LO was born...because as far as custody is concerned, the baby doesn't exist until it's actually born...which is obvious...
Good luck.
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Beta #1: 4/1 - 51.5 Beta #2: 4/3 - 189 Beta #3: 4/6 - 778.9
AMH: 1.06 FSH: 10.7
DS: 11/2010 Clomid + HCG Trigger + IUI + Progesterone
thanks for missing the point of the posting. But anyway they have been separated for almost two years. She ran away with the kids in the middle of the night to another state & left them there with her abusive family. They live in separate homes (her with someone else), have no interaction except for the kids. Just neither one of them have filed for the divorce until now. So by almost meaning, proceedings have started but aren't finalized.
Yup, this.
Hellllllooooo red flags! Lawyer up.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to negotiate this without consulting with a lawyer. You have proof that he is manipulative and self-serving, so why would you expect him to negotiate reasonably in this matter?
Consult a lawyer, find out what the standard provisions custody provisions are, what you are likely get as child support and how to make sure you are in the best position possible for the welfare of you and your child. Know what your rights are before you agree to anything!