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Coming out of lurkdom

TA4482TA4482
in Single Parents

Hi Ladies,

I've lurked on here for sometime and am finally getting up the nerve to post. I don't know how consistantly I'll post on here becasue of my work schedule but wanted to introduce myself.

I'm a single mom of the greatest 11 month old daughter ever. My STBX is a lying alcoholic. We have been seperated since my daughter was 5 weeks old (when I kicked him out of the house) and have started the dissolusion process. While the divorce was MY decision and I'm the only one whose done anything about it, I just found out that he has had multiple affairs in our 7 year marriage. Not only that but that he currently has a girlfriend that he's been seeing "on and off" for the last 3 years. Not only that, but she was an intern for him at his previous job and I've met her. So she definitly knew about me. I knew something was up after we seperated and I suspected an affair but never in my wildest dreams would have guessed the extent of his lying and manipulation.

I'm really struggling with his being with someone else while we are still married. While I don't want him back- at all- I am really having a hard time even thinking about him sleeping with some other girl while I'm at home with our daughter. I've been the primary caregiver to her since day one and I don't want to have to share her. Especially not with this other girl playing mom. I know that some of you have dealt with this type of situation and I wondered how did you move on and not obsess over what your STBX was doing. I think constantly about what he's doing and how he's over with his girlfriend. I know it's not healthy and I need to move on and not care. I can't tell him what to do anymore since we will no longer be married soon. Any advice?

 

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Re: Coming out of lurkdom

  • achase123achase123

    Unfortunately it just takes time.  I didn't really go through a lot of this but my XH cheated with multiple women.  I remember at first wondering what he was doing, and thinking how unfair it was that he was being carefree and being with other women and I was pregnant with his child.  Fortunately after DS was born I was too busy to worry about it all.

    I would say let yourself feel the emotions.  Talk to a friend or counselor.  But eventually you will start to let it go.  I have a friend who's been through something similar.  It's been a tough road because he moved out with the other woman and now they are expecting another baby anytime now. It's taken her about a year but I can see that she's doing better.  Hang in there!

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  • Starbuck5Starbuck5 member
    imageachase123:

    Unfortunately it just takes time.  I didn't really go through a lot of this but my XH cheated with multiple women.  I remember at first wondering what he was doing, and thinking how unfair it was that he was being carefree and being with other women and I was pregnant with his child.  Fortunately after DS was born I was too busy to worry about it all.

    I would say let yourself feel the emotions.  Talk to a friend or counselor.  But eventually you will start to let it go.  I have a friend who's been through something similar.  It's been a tough road because he moved out with the other woman and now they are expecting another baby anytime now. It's taken her about a year but I can see that she's doing better.  Hang in there!

    This exactly. I must say that in almost all the posts I read on this board, achase has excellent feedback.

    I came out of lurkdome a couple months ago on this board. I read way more than I post though. I have a similar situation as you in regards to him having someone else while you're taking care of your DD. It takes time. I've slowly realized that I'd rather take that energy and do something positive with it. Obviously easier said than done. But be thankful that you have LO to occupy your time. Such a blessing that is! Just know that he is occupying his time with things that are only temporarly satisfying. People like that are never truly happy.  



    -     <3 Bumpie Veteran from December 2010 Mama's <3 -
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  • dimakedimake
    In my situation there was only one OW, and I hated that XH would have her around when he had the kids (he said the kids played together - she has one a year older than my ODD).  They've broken up, and I am sure XH has learned his lesson about having women in and out of the girls' lives, but there was not really much that could make me feel better about it at the time.  I was furious.  But less so, over time.
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  • TA4482TA4482

    Thanks everyone. I find that most of the time I'm ok and I'm just super busy with my DD that I don't even think about it. Evenings are the worst for me after she goes to bed and all I can think of is that I'm sitting at home being responsible and he's out sleeping with her. I've been seeing a counselor and I'm working through it. It just sucks! And I'm sure you all agree with me. It's hard not to sit at home and wonder what I did wrong, or didn't do, or what's wrong with me. And I know logically that it's HIS problem not mine. That he is the one whose not good enough for me.

    I'm going to try to post more. I feel like this board could really help...

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