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Two Under 2
When MIL "help" isn't help after #2 arrives.
So MIL is driving me batty...I know not a new concept. Basically she is forcing her way into our home after #2 is born and INSISTS on "helping." Never once have I asked for this help. She recently informed me that she felt "un-needed" last time as she came the 2nd week and was sorly disappointed that I wasn't bedridden. (This was after the fact as well that she came a DAY early to our home to stay before my induction and after she still insisted on cooking, cleaning, and anything else even though DH was here and the two of us are perfectly capable.) I guess I am a bit of a control freak and in my own home I don't want to be told to go to bed or "let me get the baby." I wanted my DH and I to relish in these first moments and selfishly didn't want to share them with my controling MIL.
Now that there is a #2 and our toddler will be in the mix I know that it will be a different sinario, none the less...why is it my problem that she feel NEEDED?!?! The added stress of preparing everything before hand not to mention now planning for COMPANY and then feeling as though I have to ENTERTAIN and FIGHT for every bit of an experience that I feel shouldn't have to be SHARED! Ug!
My DH is a wonderful man who tries to reighn in his mother, but of coarse it is his mom. I understand the pull of that. I feel like I am totally at her mercy and so annoyed by that fact. I don't begrudge her the opportunity to be a grandmother and visit or see the baby it's just that she desperately wants to CARE for the baby and I don't need or want this!
Ok, so am I nuts? Does ANYONE else feel this way? BTW my mother is the complete oppostie and waits until I ASK her for help and is so careful as to not step on toes etc. She will be here the 1st week.
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Re: When MIL "help" isn't help after #2 arrives.
This is all me too. Except my DH is really good at telling his mom no even though she pouts and complains about it for years after. She has been very peeved that we didn't need/want her help after number 1. Especially because we didn't let her babysit overnight. (We never went anywhere without DD; we bedshated, bf, etc. DD never was overnight with anybody.) MIL even gave back an "I love my Nana" onesie I gave her in a Grandma gift basket at my babyshower. She said since DD couldn't spend the night there was no point. (The onesie was an 18-24 month size. She gave it back at 6 months.)
I'm trying to give up feeling bad about not doing enough and demanding that in my home we do what my family needs. (Three days after DD was born she hosted a birthday party for my brother in law at our house. Um...why? Still don't know how that happened. My MWs were very wtf about it. They still talk about it.)
That all said, MIL will not be needed to stay over after #2 arrives. My mom, however, will be here to help out with DD and keep her routine going the first couple of weeks.
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same-- I wish my MIL would jump in and roll up her sleeves. She is a good cook, but would suggest going out to eat because (I assume) she was too uncomfortable in my kitchen. Ugh!
Holy crap is she my mom?
After LO was born she came for "3" days. AKA... came one day, said, "I'm bored there's nothing to do here" and left.
LO was a week old, laundry was caught up and the house was clean, uh because we were pretty much just sitting around in teh living room because I couldnt do steps, so really no place was getting dirty.
She told me this time she's coming to take care of LO (who she has met about 10 times) while I"m in the hospital. Uh... no you aren't. You are not to be alone with my child.
So I took a deep breath and told her she should come to help once DH has returned to work so that I have someone to be with LO while I am tending to the baby. That way I can monitor what she is doing with him.
Good luck I feel ya!
You are not alone in NOT wanting the help.
My MIL was real insistent last time, but my DH nipped it in the bud and told her we'd let her know if she was needed... we also had the excuse that we lived in a one bedroom apt so didn't have space. However, my MIL has had a housekeeper for the last 50 years...doesn't clean well and messed up my dryer (left tissues in the pockets of clothes!!) when she did try to "help".. she insists that she's "really good at holding babies..."... and has met my DD 5 times in her 15 months on this earth...(they live in CA and we live in NY). so no, she will not be needed to help when our new LO arrives.
We're actually changing our rooms around in our house and are taking over our guest room.. and I have an alterior motive for doing so.. my ILs can't stay with us then!!!! I'm purposely moving our master BR into our current guest room... and making our current master the new baby's room. So.. they will have to stay at a hotel if/when they come to see us.
We used to get along well, but my feelings changed after the last visit when (I was just 4 wks pregnant.. and had had MC over the summer).. my MIL humiliated and insulted me by saying she was frightened by how much weight I had gained... and as a parent I owe it to my DD to take care of myself...blah blah.. She didn't know I was pregnant or had MC... So.. needlesstosay.. they will never stay in our house ever again. They're welcome to see their grandchildren, but they'll stay at a hotel from now on.