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Special Needs
skittles_123
member
Will, do you have one?
skittles_123
member
Okay, so I finally made an appointment for a consult with an attorney that will be helping us with a special needs trust and will. My dh and I have talked many times about who would get the kids if something were to happen to us and we agree that his sister is the best fit, she has three young children herself. The problem is, she lives 6 hrs away. Most of my family and dh's are all in our area currently. We really do not want my kids living 6 hours away from our families. There is no particular reason why they are living where they are, bil works from home, and he can work from anywhere really, and sil is a sahm.
Our thoughts were to have a stipulation that they would have to live within a certain distance from where we live know. Can you even do that? I just really do not know of any other viable options, at least family wise we could turn to in our area.
Any other words of advice before our meeting? My dh is due to inherit a pretty substantial 100 acre farm upon my fil's death, and eventually it would go to our children. How does one manage that with one sn and one typical child?
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Re: Will, do you have one?
Courts will generally enforce a provision in a will as long as it is not contrary to public policy (I think the example they gave in lawschool as being unenforceable as against public policy was something about not getting an inheritance if you married a person of another race). That said, if they dug their heels in and didn't want to move, what would happen? Of if a reason arose that gave them a "particular reason" to live where they do (like when their kids get old enough for school, not wanting to pull them out). You can include a contigency, but just need to plan for an alternative for your kids if the contingency isn't met.
Our will has a trust set up for the kids if something happens to us while they are minors -- the inheritance goes into the trust, and not their direct bank accounts. I'd imagine you could have your attorney set up a special needs trust for your son that would extend even after he reaches age 18.
I agree with Auntie on this. You are asking too much. My brother and SIL would raise DD if something ever happened. I could care LESS where they lived as long as they love her, advocate for her and treat her as their own.
This is tough. I do not have a will, because I do not have anyone who would want to take DS in case I die.
However, I am working on a trust. For me, it is important that it is specifically not marked for medical expenses, which would disqualify him from Medicaid.
If I did have a guardian for him, I would mostly care that they understand him and care for him appropriately, I would not care where they live, KWIM? While it is ideal that everyone is close by, things may change, the rest of the family may move - you cannot plan for this. I would be very concrete in what you want them to do with your DS though - therapy, diet, etc...
good luck!
I agree that you are asking alot but have you talked to them about this and are they willing to move? I think putting something into a will like this (especially without the recipients knowlege or approval) is pretty harsh. 6 hours from family is not a huge amount of time or distance. It's a difficult call to make but I would talk to your SIL and see what she says about moving?
We have wills (my husband is military so they are a necessity for us) and both of our children will live with my brother and SIL in Canada if something were to happen to us, they have children similar ages to our boys and are willing to take them and care for them as if they were their own.
I know it is a lot to ask. We have informally implied to them that we would like for them to care for our children in case of our passing, but no formal sit down official conversations about the details. They have considered moving back on several occasions, but for whatever reason, decided against it. I am less likely now, after reading your responses, to actually put that provision in the will. But we will discuss our concerns with sil, to see what her thoughts are if something were to happen to us.
Down the road, my brother may be in position to be our backup, but he is just is not in a "stable" time in his life right now (very bright, great with kids, but lives with my mom, has a law degree, applying to med school, student loans out the wasoo, single, and 29 years old). We do not want grandparents raising our kids, like auntie said, they have too many of their own thoughts on a "better" way to raise our children.
Skittles, it is not my place to say this, but I would have a formal sit down with the future guardians first. While you may want them to take your kids, they may not want to, you know? This is exactly the challenge that I am facing - folks are not prepared to deal with DS's challenges and are very open about this.
I think that before you even draft this will, you have to have their commitment (maybe even in writing) to take over. I would also have a written plan to give them at your sit down meeting with WHAT is required of them. People who do not live with you just do not know how much goes into caring for a child with SN.
Also - your brother sounds like a catch
However, can you imagine if tomorrow he gets your kids: what would you expect him to do, how to care for them?
Again, not from experience, but from common sense, I would like my DS to have: his own room, 3 meals a day, requirement to go to school and get education that will fit his needs, requirement to take meds X times a day, etc - very detailed stuff. Maybe I am overthinking this?
Good luck to you!!