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Single Parents
WWYD?
We have our Custody Conference coming up and my son's father is asking for what is ridiculous things (IMO of course). Here are the issues:
* If son needs emergency care I have to first call him and ask permission before taking him to the ER or calling an ambulance. There is no way I'll put my child's life on the line to ask permission from him!!
* For son's entire life my family has been the only family involved in his life - so for 6 years he's had the same traditions for holidays. I suggested splitting the day with his father so that son can still participate in what he's always know and still see both parents. Father is refusing and says he wants it that he has him one year and I the other so that he can take him to spend holiday time with his family who has nothing to do with son at all.
* Father does not have any involvement with the child other then on his scheduled weekends which he never picks up when he's supposed to, complains when he can't make plans because of pick-up/dropoff of son interferring, does not attend or even inquire about school conferences, activies, awards, concerts, ect.
* Promised son he'd call every Wednesday and doesn't. Doesn't return son's calls. Didn't even call son on his birthday :-(
* Doesn't give son baths when he's there for weekend visits.
* Son's weekend with father consists of father sitting him in front of the TV with either a movie or video game while he sleeps, cleans his apartment or spends time with his GF - which son has complained about and his complaints were dismissed by father as lies.
I totally feel like I'm abusing my son by sending him to visit with his father. It kills me that my son is hurting and being neglected but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm looking for a little bit of hope that at the custody conference my son won't be forced to lose time with me and my family who are always there for him and be forced to spend time being neglected and ignored by people who don't know him and don't seem to care to know him.
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Re: WWYD?
It doesn't sound like your son's father is really being "abusive" just not a great dad, which unfortunately isn't going to stop visitation.
That said, even if you end up with joint legal custody, you can still take your son to the ER or call an ambulance in an emergency without informing his father. You should, however, let him know if something serious is going on and he should take part in any serious decisions that you have time for him to join you in making (once again, assuming you end up with joint legal custody).
We alternate holidays and it sucks but I think XH deserves to spend some holidays with our daughter if he wants to. It's weird in your case as far as the family situation goes, but honestly I don't have much contact with my family and I still expect DD to spend half of her holidays with me and whomever I decide we should spend the day with.
Why on earth would he want you to call HIM before you call for emergency services for your son? Abusrd. As a compromise, agree to call him right after you've made the necessary life-saving calls for your child.
The holiday thing might be tricky since the courts like to encourage the child to spend time with both familes (alternating schedule). The fact he hasn't ever done it might help you though....
As far as your son being "abused and neglected", I see where you're coming from, I really do. However, the couts may not see it that way and you have to be prepared for that. The fact that he DOES take your son on his weekends says something, even though it might not be the most quality time together. Have you checked to see how old your son has to be before his "wants" are taken into consideration? It might not sway the outcome, but it can't hurt to try.
Good luck! Your son's father doesn't seem to have a very good track record; so make sure you bring all of that up.
I would never agree to the bolded part.
Everything else, as much as it sucks, is within his rights as a father.
As far as the holidays go, on years that he has him, can you maybe do your traditions the day before or the day after? I'm sure the date itself isn't as important to your son as the traditions.
Most of the other issues are out of your control. All you can do is make sure your son has a happy and loving home when he is with you.
Thank you ladies for your input and advice. It is appreciated (although not the perfect answers I would like to hear lol)
I told him that I would inform him asap of any emergencies but I'm not going to call him first for permission to have son treated. He seems to think the court will side with him on this one...
The only thing with changing the date with holidays is that my siblings have children that participate as well and they all have their SO's families.
Its all so very frustrating :-(
The only one that seems to be a hill to die on for me would be the emergency one. Of course you would call 911 or head to the ER first. What is his motivation for that one? Trying to talk you out of going to the ER so you don't have to pay the copay?
The situation with my family and XH's family is pretty much the same, but we still alternate holidays. The big ones - Thanksgiving and Christmas I always say that Thanksgiving Day is always with me and Christmas Eve and morning is always with me, and that way my daughters get to wake up in their own beds on Christmas and celebrate T-day with family, but my XH was flexible and agreed to this.
But then again, my XH actually WANTS to see his daughters, he plays with them when he has them, and he calls me almost every day to see how they're doing (they're 3 and 1, they don't do telephone calls yet). I understand how you hate to send your son over to his dad's when his dad is a crappy one, but none of the stuff is nearly enough to have his visitation rights changed.