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Single Parents
StrawberryAlarmClock
member
***This space reserved for photo of new squish***
Did You Have an "Aha!" Moment?
StrawberryAlarmClock
member
Excuse the cheesy teaching term, but was there a moment when it hit you that you'd be better off as a single mom? Would you care to share that moment with me? Also, if you feel like sharing, once you had that moment, how long did it take to act on it? And once you were a single mom, how long did it take to truly realize that you were better off? Sorry, I don't lurk over here so if you get this post ten times per day, feel free to just ignore me and I'll go digging 
TIA!!
TIA!!
***This space reserved for photo of new squish***This discussion has been closed.
Re: Did You Have an "Aha!" Moment?
I had a couple "Aha" moments actually, each leaving me with a different outlook in regards to our situation.
My first was after we had separated but I still had hope we could work things out despite the fact that I caught him cheating and physically hurting me (the physical violence is what initiated the separation). We had attended our first couple's counseling session and the last thing our counselor had told us to do was to NOT do anything drastic. The next day I went to my mom's house (he was staying at my mom's which is one of the reasons I thought we were going to work things out) and I found his wedding band on top of the armoire. Of course I was upset so I called him about it and we got into a huge fight. After the fight I went to the grocery store to buy some food and my card was declined. I checked online and he had emptied our account. He had taken every single penny from our account and refused to give us money for food, diapers and everything else. I met with my lawyer the next day and had filed for divorce a few days later.
My second "aha" moment was when I realized that his cheating and abusive behavior was not my fault. A year after we split, his "GF" (the 16 year old and now FI, or his wife like she has already told everyone including changing her last name to his despite he and i still being legally married) texted me asking me questions. She had found out he was cheating on her and she wanted my sympathy. I realized that he is a cheater and that no one was going to change that. It hit me that I wasn't the horrible wife he had made me believe I was. While I am not naive to think that my actions played no part in the failure of my marriage, I realized that I wasn't entirely to blame. It was the beginning of reinventing myself and healing my heart.
EEK! Sorry for the novel. LOL
My moment came when I looked on XH's iPad and found profiles to dating sites and sexy email addresses saved on it. He always hid his cell phone from me, and we hadn't had sex basically since our wedding night. He claimed it was hard for him to have sex with me while I was pregnant but it turns out he was probably just getting it from someone else.
I had been very naive and just all around to busy/tired from taking care of 2 kids to notice that all the signs were there for him to lead a double life, so I ended it and ever since have been finding out small details about him and the things he was after behind my back.
Lots of "aha" moments...but the final one was when soon to be XDH ripped an 8ft solid oak banister off the wall and chucked it towards me and then proceeded to knock the Christmas tree over right next to LO.
I kicked him out of the house that night and went downtown to the city court house and went in front of an ex-parte judge and got a domestic violence protective order put in place immediately...then filed for divorce that same day.
Don't regret it ONE BIT.
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Beta #1: 4/1 - 51.5 Beta #2: 4/3 - 189 Beta #3: 4/6 - 778.9
AMH: 1.06 FSH: 10.7
DS: 11/2010 Clomid + HCG Trigger + IUI + Progesterone
Not really.
I had a few red flags that our relationship wasn't working, but I was willing to try and work things out.
I had a freight truck run me over when I found the email account, and then read the emails. We broke up that day.
You ladies really went through a lot. I applaud all of you. I'm having problems but there is no abuse and no infidelity. DH is an addict (weed, cigarettes, alcohol) and also extremely lazy. He misses a lot of time with DS because he "naps" for 3-4 hours on the weekends. I am so torn. I do love him and he's never hurt me and would never cheat on me but I cannot keep dragging him through life trying to teach him how to be a responsible adult.
Mine was on the less dramatic side as well for the most part - it was obvious for quite some time that the relationship wasn't working but I was committed to making it work. My XH used to lie to me about weird small things and that made it very hard to trust him and then a couple of inappropriate text messages and similar suspicious things kind of pushed me over the edge but even then it took me a couple of months. Then one day I just felt like I'd had enough and I went away for the weekend and asked him to leave before I came back and that was that.
OMG. I'm so glad you had DD safely protected while he was in the house. I'm so sorry. Did any of that affect you at work or in your social circle? He is the one who committed the crimes but I know that people can be downright hateful sometimes. I really hope that, other than the pain you already were going through, people around you didn't make it any harder on you.
Thanks! Replied.
Oh, and this is weird. I had a very similar wedding gown:
....and cake....
....and our 2 year anniversary is in a month. Spooky!
This is sort of where I am. He doesn't hit me (never would), isn't cheating on me (strongly doubt he ever would) and he loves me very much. So, it's taking a long time for me to realize that he is full of shiit and never has any intention of maturing and becoming a family man. That was pretty much the point of my post. I'm trying to see what other women consider "too much" and see if I'm just being selfish or if DH really truly is not going to be the best husband/father for me & DS. I absolutely feel you on the telling you one thing and doing another. He has all the right words. If you listened to him talk, you'd think he was husband of the year. He'll tell you that it's irresponsible and immature to still be smoking weed in the basement when you have a baby two floors up who is breathing the air coming out of that vent. But....who is the one crouched down beside the washer flipping through XXX magazines and smoking a bowl at the ripe old age of 35. Yep. My husband, father of my child. He had me flat out, hands down convinced that he was going to quit everything: cigs, weed, alcohol and be a grown up. Why did I fall for it? Naivete maybe? Insecurity maybe? My biological clock was ticking like bomb? Most likely.
I found out he was using in January 2010. He fell off the wagon drinking a week before. I tried for 3 months helping him to get help again. He went into rehab and I snooped on the computer and phone and found out he was talking and hangingout and who knows with another girl. And had started talking to another on craigslist. He got booted out of rehab after 4 days. I gave him the chance to start over. He said ok. A few weeks later he said he was going out that night with his sponsor and to not lock the door. (He had lost his keys a few weeks before.) I knew he was lying. He came home at 3 am totally drunk. He had driven home. I made him sleep in the truck.
He knocked at the door at 8am. We fought and he had punched me in the stomach and head. I filed that day for a PFA and that was the last day he was home. It wasn't him hitting me that did it. It was that I wasn't willing to help someone who didn't want help any longer or be with someone in that state and who wanted another woman when I had 2 kids to raise. I didn't want my kids to be raised in that type of home.
I had a few of those moments. The first was when I realized if we were separated, the girls would get more quality time with him than they did if we stayed married. He spent most of the weekends and what should be quality time with them taking naps because he was always so tired (although he didn't do anything remotely strenuous to make him tired).
The second was when STBXH and I were talking (very calmly) one morning...I looked to my side and DD1 was standing there with a terrified look in her eye just waiting for us to fight. We were fighting so much and it was scaring her more than I had ever realized.
The last and final straw was when a very good friend pointed out that I deserved to be happy and in order to break the cycle I had to show them a healthy relationship. I married a man who was way too much like my father (emotional abuse, mind games, very self-involved among other horrible things I can't type at work) and I realized I didn't want my girls to ever be treated the way their father treated me.
There are days still when he's being nice via text about something for the girls and I wish he could have been that nice and things may have worked. But then I quickly get a reminder (usually by talking to him on the phone about something) of the person he really is and why I'm so much better off. I'm sure there will continue to be ups and downs but you have to do what is best for you and your child(ren).
Sorry for the novel!
It should have been one of the 2 nights when I was pregnant that he didn't come home. Or the time I didn't hear from him for 3 days and when I did he told me I was crazy for worrying and didn't even ask about our 5 week old daughter. Or when I found the hotel receipt with some other girls name on it. Or when our DD was 4 weeks old and he came home drunk and sat down with her and proceeded to fall asleep almost on top of her. (and I could go on and on)
But, my aha moment was when I told him we either needed to do counseling or file for divorce and he said he'd have to "think about it." and "counseling was just so much work" that I realized that I deserved someone who would fight to keep me around rather than making me do all the work. He couldn't even bring himself to go to counseling...I can do so much better!
This summed it up... It turned out in my case he'd started having an affair with the girl his friend brought to our housewarming party.
Wow, really? What more are you waiting for? To walk in on him and another woman just so he can talk his way out of that one too?
Curious about how he "talked" his way out of having an Ashley Madison account. FYI, they will ALWAYS have some excuse, even if it is flimsy. If you are waiting for him to break down and confess, keep waiting. XH still, to this day will deny ever cheating. This was after I found multiple email accounts, sexual text messages, a video of him ::ahem:: pleasuring himself that was on his lap top (hello, who was holding the camera?????), condoms in his truck, and Craiglist casual encounters correspondence. Since we split, multiple people told me about multiple affairs, seeing him with other women, etc. And he STILL tries to deny it.
I guess you did say it best when you said you are CHOOSING to ignore it all. I guess I am just wondering why you would try to make it work with someone like that. Complete and utter disregard for yourself and your health is what's coming to my mind. When was the last time you got checked for STD's?
Have some self respect and ditch the lying, cheating jerk. Be an example for your children instead of a doormat.
Wow...
I guess this is all new to me and I am still mourning the loss of the marriage I had always dreamed of having. Also, I did choose to ignore things b/c the thought of losing any time with my DS to him is heartbreaking. He will be granted joint custody; there is no way I could convince any judge otherwise. Even though he has been largely absent at times, he is still what many would refer to as an "upstanding" citizen. He holds a position in civil service.
Anyway, as you pointed out, I totally acknowledge that I choose to ignore these things. Your advice is warranted and exactly the advice I would lend a friend. However, mainly b/c of my DS, I am having some trouble following it myself...
OMG. I know DH would never hit me but when they're drunk, they aren't themselves. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Thank goodness you're free now.
That's how I am. I'm dragging my feet. I know it's not a healthy relationship and I'm not happy but I keep thinking that he has potential and if I can just get him to be the father I know he can be....then I realize that's not my job.
How'd you find the Ashley Madison acct? Did you just go to the site and enter his info? Isn't that a site for hookers or is it more of a dating site for married people?
This is my fear. At least if I enjoy the good times and ignore the bad times, I get to have my DS all the time.
I know - flawed logic. That's just what's chirping in the back of my head.
I am with you 100%. I guess the key is that we are new in this process. It is so hard for me to even wrap my head around seperating from H, let alone DS for any period of time...
Here's the deal though: you KNOW you are just delaying the inevitable. You KNOW that he's lying about the AM a/c. So why not just get it over with? Or are you really planning on spending the rest of your life with your head in the sand like an ostrich?
I understand it can be so hard, I have been there for sure (I was in denial for about eight months before leaving and ignored a lot, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone). But you aren't doing yourself any favors. You deserve better. You need to have enough respect for yourself to let this one go. Don't let him put your health in jeopardy! Perhaps that's why I'm so adamant about it. He is putting you at risk for all sorts of things.