any advice? (relationship related)

mdotm0904 · March 2011

It's a complicated situation, so I'll try to make it as brief as possible. Last Feb I met & began dating a man. The relationship became very intense very quickly with us spending every minute together. It was a difficult time in his life (he was going through a bitter custody battle of his 3 small children with his ex & at the same time lost his job) I was there every step of the way, through unemployment, legal issues, financial issues. But during all of this he (understandably) kept saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship & that we need to just be friends...even introducing me to his family & everyone as his "homegirl"...but at the same time....we ACTED as if we were in a relationship (The amount of time we spent together, the level of intimacy, etc...so there were many mixed signals) Fast forward to Dec & we got pregnant (unplanned). It also unfortunately coincided w/the timing of me telling him that I didn't want us to be physically intimate anymore, if we couldn't be in a relationship bcuz I needed a title & boundaries or that we need to just focus on being the best of friends (bcuz in my opinion the relationship got too sexually motivated...seemed like that's all we did & it was always at his request (demand) & if i ever turned him down he made it seem like I didn't love him just because I said No, not in the mood.)Anyway, After going through a week or so of very hurtful comments towards me & the baby I thought he reached a point of acceptance.But then he would STILL continue to make sexual advances! (each of which i've always turned down because I was trying to change the focus of our friendship). So even now, he continues to make advances, i turn him down. but the thing is, he's the father of my child & I'm in love with his other children (& them with me), so I try to keep things as friendly between us as possible becuz I see how he interacts with his ex-wife & i DONT want that to be us! I'm already stressed dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, the last thing I need is a tense co-parenting relationship.But it's awkward & stressful trying to hang out with someone platonically when they are just trying to bang u.

But I do still love him. I do. At times I still want us to be together, how things were before & I didn't realize until about an hour ago after a series of texts he sent me that it hurt him so much everytime I turn him down for sex. That was never my intention & I thought that just cutting out the sex wouldn't be that big of a deal bcuz we would still have the most important thing, our friendship! But he sees it as kicking him to the curb. The thing is, I don't know if i can be in a relationship w/him anymore (because of other issues...insecurity...trust...control, etc). & I don't want to fall back into that "friends w/benefits but really in a relationship gray area" like we were before! & i've also decided to become celibate & sex is very important to him & i know he wouldn't go for that.

So i'm confused. All of my friends hate him bcuz of how he acted toward me earlier in my pregnancy & because they think he used me during our relationship. So i'm torn between what my head thinks it should do (continue to stand my ground, & hope that we'll be able 2 move on for the sake of all 4 kids involved), what my heart feels (just go ahead & be with him & give ur baby a chance @ a real family, & make him happy), what my friends think (leave him bcuz he's an a*****e, & what I think is pleasing to God (to remain sexually pure until I decide to get married)

help?

weezie825 · March 2011

I'm really not sure what type of help you are looking for... DI yiu want advice or words of encouragement?

I am going to be honest with you. "Friends with Benefits," is almost always a disastourous situation. Men and women (at lest the ones I have seen/known) have different expectations. The woman always thinks that if she puts enough into the friend relationship it will evolve into a "real" relationship, and the guy is enjoying the benefits of "free" sex without any of the work of having a committed relationship.

Then at some point the women decides that it is time for the relationship to change. SOoshe gives the guy some kind if test. If they pass the test,. then they'll be a "real" couple and if not then she is done with the relationship.

If the pregnancy had not occured and you withheld sex to try and get this guy to decide if it was a "real" relationship on not he probably would have rolled out. You can almost never go back to a non-sexual relationship once you have been that intimate with a person. That's why it is hard to stay friends with an ex.

I totally understand and agree with what your friends are telling you. As much as you may have liked or loved this guy. You created a problem when you had sex with him even though he told you that he didn't want a relationship. And, you went along with this for a while before deciding that it didn't work for you.

Your homeboy sounds like a player. And, he probably had his other friends telling him that you did it on purpose to trap him.

Despite all that, the most telling thing in the entire story is the way he treated you when he found out you were pregnant. And the guilt trip he is laying on you about feeling rejected when you turn him down for sex is non-sense. If he has that deep of rejection issues that being turned down on occasion messes with his self-esteem, then he needs counseling and should not be getting into a relationship right now.

He sounds like an inmature player. If you try to have a relationship with him I think he will cheat on you. Your best bet is to pull back from the relationship and try your best to have a successful co-parenting relationship with this man.

I understand that emotions are involved and it will be hard. But, I think you are saving yourself more heartache if you cut all but the co-parenting ties with him now.

moonfaerie · March 2011

Sounds like he's been using you for sex and has no intention of being ready for a "real" relationship with you. Sorry to be blunt but that's how it seems from what you write. Men's feelings don't get that hurt over the occasional turn-down for sex. Mature men understand thqat women aren't always in the mood. He's just trying to guilt you into sleeping w/him.

It's easy for me as an outsider to say forget about this guy, and don't concern yourseklf with his other three kids - they are not your responsibility. But that's what seems to me to be obvious, even if it means raising your baby alone. Your friends should have your best interest at heart, so I would definitely take their advice to heart.

anonsouthernbell · March 2011

I didn't read the two pp responses but two things come to mind. First by having sex w/him and not knowing if he is committed to you, etc you are putting your baby at risk of complications should you contract a STD. Secondly, I think that you should follow your inclination to remain celibate. God's mandate for celibacy is in our best interest and is to spare us pain, etc. I think that if he can't respect that or work on your relationship aside from sex then there are issues there. Plus, sometimes we need the perspective of our friends who have a little distance from the relationship and you said that they didn't really like him. So I would try to work things out w/him if that's what you really want to do but I wouldn't have sex w/him.

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any advice? (relationship related)

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