It's too slow around here, WDYT of this?

mrs.george2be04 · March 2011

https://blogs.babble.com/being-pregnant/2011/03/15/mom-confession-i-think-i-love-my-son-a-little-bit-more/

I found this blog link of P&CE and was wondering what others thought. I am an only child and only have one child, so it is not ever something I've had to deal with yet. I thought this was one of those instances where even if you think something like this, you should never say it (or write it!). I also think comparing a 20 month old boy and a 3 year old girl is like comparing apples to oranges.

Thoughts?

adamsbabble · March 2011

Whoa!

As a mom of more than one child, I can't relate to that post at all. I maybe love each of my children differently because they are all different people and I share a different bond with each of them, which makes each relationship its own special thing- but love one more than the other? No. If my house were burning down and I had to choose to save one over the other, I don't see how I could do it. I just don't get this at all. As she goes on to justify her reasoning, I think it just makes me not get it even more.

hav2run · March 2011

Wow. I just don't understand her rationale at all. Did anyone else read her post as which one would she save if she had to pick only one? And then she refutes that in her blurb at the bottom, somehow trying to make her readers ashamed for taking her words at face value. Shady. What on earth is she going to do when her perfect snuggly boy wakes up one day in full on toddler mode? Then she will have two whining and wearing her down. I don't think she will be able to handle dealing with two willful children, and it will be interesting to see if she changes her thinking at that point.

I love each of my children equally. Their births were different, and I cannot stand my DS's father. But that doesn't change my love for him. I would do anything and everything for both of my kids, but not more for one than I would for the other. It's hard to make that statement as DD is young and NEEDS me for more than DS does right now. So it feels like I do more for her, but in retrospect, it's the same thing I did for DS at the same age. It's hard to compare children when they are at different stages. I think that mom is trying to compare them instead of looking at the distinctly different developmental stages that they in. She is in for a shocker when the younger child is where her DD is now.

adamsbabble · March 2011

Sorry, I can't stop thinking about this one.

What I think is even worse is that as commenters try to offer any constructive criticism (constructive being the key word here), that she seemingly asked for by putting this out there, is that she gets defensive about it. She says that mothers aren't perfect. True. She says that it took a lot of courage for her to post this and she was just trying to be honest. Kudos. But now what? Did she just want validation of her feelings and a big shiney gold star for being honest? I wish that she wanted to fix this like she says she does, more than she wanted a bunch of feedback blowing sunshine up her rear.

And FWIW, I think it's fine that she doesn't feel the same way about her daughter, but its so unfair that she is comparing the two of them. It seems like she's actually keeping a score card. Son had a better birth. Check. Son has a better/easier temperament. Check. Her poor daughter. She'll never measure up. She even says it would be easier to lose her daughter. I think that is what hits a nerve with me. I could never choose one of my children like that. This woman needs to stop psychoanalyzing and whining about this, and just do something about it. For starters, STOP picking your son up when your daughter clearly needs you too. STOP making all of these comparisons in your head. The more she does that, the more she is going to build her son up and put him on a pedestal in her mind so that he can never do any wrong, making her daughter look all the more like a demon child for throwing a fit, the way that ALL three year olds do. My heart really aches for this little girl.

sistrkate · March 2011

I totally understand her feelings. I have felt them. I still feel them to a degree.

Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be a mother, because it's so hard. There are a lot of things in her story that I can relate to, and I do applaud her courage for saying so. I am not going to judge her, because everyone owns their own feelings. I don't think she was asking for praise. Actually, I don't know if she was asking for anything.

I've never seen that blog site before, so I don't know if she's a full time journalist, if she was just trying to get something off of her chest, or trying to give others that might have similar feelings some validation by letting them know they're not alone. Feelings like this don't come without guilt, and she clearly feels guilty for feeling the way she does. And she doesn't expect everyone to understand.

I guess I understand why people would be up in arms about that post, but honestly, having felt that way myself a few times, I completely understand where she is coming from.

Traycee1242 · March 2011

sistrkate:

I totally understand her feelings. I have felt them. I still feel them to a degree.

Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be a mother, because it's so hard. There are a lot of things in her story that I can relate to, and I do applaud her courage for saying so. I am not going to judge her, because everyone owns their own feelings. I don't think she was asking for praise. Actually, I don't know if she was asking for anything.

I've never seen that blog site before, so I don't know if she's a full time journalist, if she was just trying to get something off of her chest, or trying to give others that might have similar feelings some validation by letting them know they're not alone. Feelings like this don't come without guilt, and she clearly feels guilty for feeling the way she does. And she doesn't expect everyone to understand.

I guess I understand why people would be up in arms about that post, but honestly, having felt that way myself a few times, I completely understand where she is coming from.

I totally agree with your take on the article and I actually found it quite refeshing. I think many people feel this way (and kudos to YOU too for saying as much) but don't want to say it.

While I don't know what it's like (yet) I can understand.... In my family I know my Mom loves my brother more. It doesn't mean she wouldn't throw herself in front of a bus for me or we don't have a great relationship (we actually have a fantastic one) but my Mom and my brother have a certain chemistry (not the right word, can't think of one... but they just have this something) And you know what??? I am absolutely okay with it. It's not anything I've ever confronted her about and I won't.. because she's never treated us different, shown more love, done things more for him than me... I think that's what makes the difference, you know? And besides, my Dad clearly loves ME more Stick out tongue

pinkylu · March 2011

I don't know, I feel like she is confusing easiness with love. I have a 10 month old son and a 3 year old daughter... it is with a doubt easier to parent my 10 month old. Adah is demanding, whiney, dramatic, etc.. while Arlo is easy-going, gives me a big smile everytime he sees me. BUT while Adah is certainly harder for me to handle, she is no less rewarding to be a mother to. While I have many more moments with her that make me stressed and bothered, at the end of the day, I have just as much joy and love for her in my heart as I do for her brother. And I know the day is coming that Arlo will be a demanding toddler.

PolarBerry · March 2011

The post didn't ruffle my feathers as much as others. I can see her point of view... I'm sure it's a challenge to love equally when there is clearly a more difficult child. However, It would bother me to have that blog post in writing... I would never want my kids to question my love for them... which i think that post could cause hurt feelings if her kids found it when they could actually understand it. But I don't fault her for having felt that way.

sistrkate · March 2011

PolarBerry:
The post didn't ruffle my feathers as much as others. I can see her point of view... I'm sure it's a challenge to love equally when there is clearly a more difficult child. However, It would bother me to have that blog post in writing... I would never want my kids to question my love for them... which i think that post could cause hurt feelings if her kids found it when they could actually understand it. But I don't fault her for having felt that way.

I completely agree with this perspective.

adamsbabble · March 2011

sistrkate:

I totally understand her feelings. I have felt them. I still feel them to a degree.

Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be a mother, because it's so hard. There are a lot of things in her story that I can relate to, and I do applaud her courage for saying so. I am not going to judge her, because everyone owns their own feelings. I don't think she was asking for praise. Actually, I don't know if she was asking for anything.

I've never seen that blog site before, so I don't know if she's a full time journalist, if she was just trying to get something off of her chest, or trying to give others that might have similar feelings some validation by letting them know they're not alone. Feelings like this don't come without guilt, and she clearly feels guilty for feeling the way she does. And she doesn't expect everyone to understand.

I guess I understand why people would be up in arms about that post, but honestly, having felt that way myself a few times, I completely understand where she is coming from.

I'm honestly not trying to be judgemental. It's just that my heart really does ache for this little girl. Although I can't relate to her feelings, I still recognize that it's okay to have your own feelings. But what you do with them is not always okay. Please keep in mind that the writer said this is a problem to the degree that she's showing blatant favortism and ignoring her daughter's needs. That's not okay. If this is going on (which she says it is), then I'm sorry, but yes, she does need to change this. Perhaps she can change this on her own, perhaps she will need some help, possibly counseling. There is nothing wrong with counseling, and I'm not sure why people take such offense when people make the suggestion "Maybe you should get some counseling." One of the commenters did, in a constructive manner, and the writer came back at her. I feel like she only had her own interests at heart when writing this, not her daughters or getting any help for this. Even if she was honest and courageous in sharing this, and even if she does feel guilty about it, none of that makes it okay unless she truly wants to do something about it. It's her prerogative if she does or doesn't want to deal with it, either on her own or through counseling, but if she doesn't, her daughter is going to pick up on these feelings sooner or later--and that's very sad.

sistrkate · March 2011

adamsbabble:
sistrkate:

I totally understand her feelings. I have felt them. I still feel them to a degree.

Sometimes I think I don't deserve to be a mother, because it's so hard. There are a lot of things in her story that I can relate to, and I do applaud her courage for saying so. I am not going to judge her, because everyone owns their own feelings. I don't think she was asking for praise. Actually, I don't know if she was asking for anything.

I've never seen that blog site before, so I don't know if she's a full time journalist, if she was just trying to get something off of her chest, or trying to give others that might have similar feelings some validation by letting them know they're not alone. Feelings like this don't come without guilt, and she clearly feels guilty for feeling the way she does. And she doesn't expect everyone to understand.

I guess I understand why people would be up in arms about that post, but honestly, having felt that way myself a few times, I completely understand where she is coming from.

I'm honestly not trying to be judgemental. It's just that my heart really does ache for this little girl. Although I can't relate to her feelings, I still recognize that it's okay to have your own feelings. But what you do with them is not always okay. Please keep in mind that the writer said this is a problem to the degree that she's showing blatant favortism and ignoring her daughter's needs. That's not okay. If this is going on (which she says it is), then I'm sorry, but yes, she does need to change this. Perhaps she can change this on her own, perhaps she will need some help, possibly counseling. There is nothing wrong with counseling, and I'm not sure why people take such offense when people make the suggestion "Maybe you should get some counseling." One of the commenters did, in a constructive manner, and the writer came back at her. I feel like she only had her own interests at heart when writing this, not her daughters or getting any help for this. Even if she was honest and courageous in sharing this, and even if she does feel guilty about it, none of that makes it okay unless she truly wants to do something about it. It's her prerogative if she does or doesn't want to deal with it, either on her own or through counseling, but if she doesn't, her daughter is going to pick up on these feelings sooner or later--and that's very sad.

I didn't read any of the comments to her original post, because there were so many of them. I don't really know how to frame the post anyway, as I said in my original response. I don't know her reasoning for writing it, but I don't think it was to ask for help.

I think that this goes on in many homes, but the degree to which it happens probably varies. I agree with pinkylu's statement that she may be confusing "love" for "ease in parenting". Whatever, I identified with many of the things she said. I'm not really surprised if she was combative in response to some of the comments to the story, but she put herself out there by posting in the first place. It's just so hard to understand all of the nuances of a situation just by reading it in black and white and being left to put your own spin on it. (We have no choice other than to do that.)

I do feel sorry for her daughter. I felt like my parents played favorites among me, my sister and my brother. I think my brother does it now with his own children.

I'm not saying anyone here is being judgmental, I just said I'm not going to judge her because I understand her feelings. I also didn't say it was okay. I just know where she's coming from.

adamsbabble · March 2011

sistrkate:

PolarBerry:
The post didn't ruffle my feathers as much as others. I can see her point of view... I'm sure it's a challenge to love equally when there is clearly a more difficult child. However, It would bother me to have that blog post in writing... I would never want my kids to question my love for them... which i think that post could cause hurt feelings if her kids found it when they could actually understand it. But I don't fault her for having felt that way.

I completely agree with this perspective.

But she actually says to one of the commenters that she does hope her daughter reads this one day, so that she can realize that she's not a perfect mother. To me that just seems really narcisstic. "Hey there, little Susie... I need to hurt your feelings (possibly as much as one can hurt someone else's feelings) so you can realize that I am not perfect." Again, she seems to have her own interests at the forefront here. How could that possibly bring any good to her daughter?

PolarBerry · March 2011

adamsbabble:
sistrkate:

PolarBerry:
The post didn't ruffle my feathers as much as others. I can see her point of view... I'm sure it's a challenge to love equally when there is clearly a more difficult child. However, It would bother me to have that blog post in writing... I would never want my kids to question my love for them... which i think that post could cause hurt feelings if her kids found it when they could actually understand it. But I don't fault her for having felt that way.

I completely agree with this perspective.

But she actually says to one of the commenters that she does hope her daughter reads this one day, so that she can realize that she's not a perfect mother. To me that just seems really narcisstic. "Hey there, little Susie... I need to hurt your feelings (possibly as much as one can hurt someone else's feelings) so you can realize that I am not perfect." Again, she seems to have her own interests at the forefront here. How could that possibly bring any good to her daughter?

I didn't read the comments. I agree I odn't think it would be any good for her daugher to read the post in the future.

sistrkate · March 2011

3 year olds are some of the toughest creatures I've ever come across. I lived through it (sort of) with my 5 nieces and nephews who came before my kids. I said then that if the Twos are Terrible, then what does that make the three year old age? Two pales in comparison to three. I even confessed to my doctor back in January that I don't know if I will survive my kids being 3 years old.

Maybe that mom is suffering from depression. Maybe she is suffering from something else, I don't know.

One of my FB friends just posted a link to this article. I think that sums up how I feel about things pretty well.

teacherjess · March 2011

Two things that sort of hit me-- first, it's one thing to think these things. Sometimes you literally cannot control how you feel toward one person or another. But it's another to put it out on the internet for anyone to see, now or later.

Second, I think the use of the word "love" is a bit casual. It seems more to me that she LIKES her son more than her daughter, which I think is understandable to some extent, given her experiences. But if she truly loves one child more than another, it is a bit disturbing, because I think the kind of love a mother has for a child is unique to each child, and isn't necessarily a more or less kind of thing depending on the child.

allobosc · March 2011

I don't think this in all the details should've been in writing but definitely in therapy if she is having that strong of feelings. Can you imagine her daughter reading this? Especially as a teenager? She thinks she has problems now... I worry about being equal and not playing favorites with my kids. I see how my parents did it to my brother and I and in other families. My connection between the boys is already different, not favoritism, just different. Also, I'm afraid of comparing them to each other too much.

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