- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
North Carolina Babies
clschnack
member
Deciding who should be in the delivery room
clschnack
member
Hi ladies, I need some advice in deciding who should be with me and my husband in the delivery room. This is really starting to create some stress (and slight arguing) at home.
I would like to have both my husband and my mom in there. We are first time parents and I could really use my mom's extra support. My mom and I are extremely close and consider each other "best friends". This is not because I do not think DH will not be supportive or "enough" for me- but I am already nervous about the whole process and could use additional support/reassurance. DH of course is completely against this and now has a huge attitude if I even try to bring up the topic for discussion. He says "She wasn't there when we made the baby, so she shouldn't be there when we bring him into the world" I think that rationale is ridiculous.
I just don't know what to do. Should this be a joint decision or just up to me since I am the one in labor? If I just say "Ok" to us being alone because we can't agree, I don't want to resent DH later on. And I also don't want to create an uncomfortable environment in the hospital b/c my mom is unwanted by DH.
How did you and your DH decide on this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Deciding who should be in the delivery room
That is a tough decision. Why is your DH so adamant? I would start there and get beyond, she wasn't there when we made the baby. That is not enough in my opinion.
Our family was far so we didn't have to make that decision. I'm glad it was just us two. But I can see the benefit of having someone like your mom. Maybe you can compromise, like you want your mom while you push or while in labor, I don't know. HTH
Photo/Family Blog
We didn't have to make a decision or convince each other of anything--we both wanted it to just be us. Thankfully, neither set of parents expected to be in the room. However, I don't have the same kind of relationship with my mother that it sounds like you do with yours. So I can see how your situation is harder.
However, it is obvious that your DH has a very strong opposition to the idea. I really think you need to seriously take his wishes into account, if he feels so strongly about it. It sounds like he probably feels like you're saying you don't feel he'll be enough of a support, you need your mom there, which he probably takes offense to. He also might feel like it's a personal moment that he wants to just share with you, not your mother, which I can also understand. And logistically, you won't "need" your mom--you'll have your DH, as well as capable medical staff, to hande everything. I can understand how, emotionally, you'd want her there though.
I'd try to have a heart to heart with him about it, and urge him to at least let you plead your case about why it's so important to you. If he still is strongly opposed, I'd personally not fight it. I'd try to get an understanding of why he feels that way, to avoid resenting him for it.
i think it should be both mutual and your decision.
i think you should both be okay with the end decision since it does involve both of you, but ultimately, it needs to be whatever is best for you since you're the one who is in labor!
my mom was with dh and i during my labor, but when it was time to push she was not there. and i'm really glad that dh and i had that moment together. now if it were up to my mom, she would have been there lol. but i'm really glad that it was just dh and i.
would something like that be an option for you? seems that would maybe give you both what you want. but i agree w/pp.. you need to find out why he's so adamant that she not be there. and he really needs to be reminded that it's not just about him lol. while i do think his opinion should count and you shouldn't have 100% decision in it, you need to feel comfortable in whatever you decide.
I also think it's something you both should decide together. I understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, I understand your DH's side.
DH and I decided since we could only have 1 other person in the room besides him that it would just be the two of us, that way my mom and his mom didn't feel like one got chosen over the other.
I also had a friend who wanted her mother in the room at the time of delivery, so her DH allowed it, and right after their son was born, rather than giving my friend, her DH and the new baby time alone, she came up and said some really cheesy stuff and ruined that first meeting moment...my friend AND her DH both wished they'd been alone after that.
Maybe, if you're determined she be in there during your labor, you could compromise with DH and have her leave the room right before you actually give birth? That way the actual birth is just between you, your DH and your new baby...it's something you'll never forget, and I personally wouldn't want to have any tainted memories because of someone else being in the room, too.
It should definitely be a mutual decision, because you don't want this to be a cloud hanging over the day. I think it would be a good idea to get down the the real reason he doesn't want her there. Does he get annoyed with your mom and isn't sure he can handle her for that long? Or, does he just want to be "selfish" and have that experience be something special that only you two share? Maybe once you get to the bottom of that you can come to an agreement about your mom being there for part or all of the time.
Personally, I think you should have ME in the delivery room!! lol j/k. Everyone is different but I really liked just having Alan and I for the actual delivery. I wish our families had been there for afterwards (ok like maybe an hour or two afterwards). You want that special bonding time with the three of you in those moments right after, nursing for the first time, holding him for the first time etc. and then when you get to your post partum room, you'll want time to clean up and rest for a little bit (get something to eat/drink, nurse the baby) and then have your family come in. That would have been my perfect scenario...but everyone is different.
I can see where P is coming from and I'm sure your mom is dying to be in the delivery room as well and I know how close you guys are. You could just tell your mom that your call for her if you feel like you need her, as long as P is ok with that. I agree with PP that it should definitely be a mutual decision. You guys are the parents. At first, I wanted my mom there too...and you know how "close" we are...lol. Now, I couldn't imagine her being there. It would have caused more stress for me. When it came down to it, there were decisions to be made in the delivery room and had my mom been there, she would have gotten involved...and that's just not her place. Don't forget this is his moment too. How would you feel about HIS mom being in the delivery room? Just try and put yourself in his position and maybe you can see his perspective a little more. He's probably thinking "threes a crowd". I think how we did it really brought Alan and I together more than I could have imagined. "We" did it. It was awesome.
On the flip side, let him know how important having your mom there is and hopefully you guys can come up with a compromise that works for both of you and won't leave feelings of resentment hanging for later. Hopefully whatever you decide, your mom won't be left feeling like your DH doesn't "want" her there, because surely it isn't a personal thing.
Our parents were far away so it was just us (me and DH) in the room which we both liked. That being said, if you really want your mom there, I think you should have her there. No, she wasn't there when you conceived but neither were the drs, nurses, etc. who will be there. I agree with pps that there is probably some middle ground--having her there for labor and maybe even some pushing but leaving so that the birth moment is just you and DH. Or is your mom the type of person that you can talk to ahead of time and tell her to take a "back seat" for the birth moment. Like she's still in the room but backs away from the bed to let that be just you and DH but she is still there to "witness" it.
Is there any issue with your MIL? Is this at all about her not feeling included? That can get a bit tricky.
All that being said, you are the one in labor. I realize it's you and your DH's child but he's not the one pushing the baby out with all due respect.
I'm in support of mom's doing what they need to do to get the support they need through labor and delivery.
I agree with PP about talking to him about why and don't argue about it. Just get his reasons and present yours.
Personally, I only wanted my DH and I to be there for the moment. I am very close to my mom but that moment when that baby is born your world changes forever--and that is about you and your husband. It's a really awesome moment. I ended up with a c/s so even if I wanted someone else, I could only have DH. Even laying there strapped to the table it was the most incredible moment of my life.
Maybe you could compromise. Have her in there for the labor but when it comes time to push and deliver have it just be you and your DH. Trust me when I say this: the perfect scenario you have in your head will not happen! Everything goes out the window! haha
You definitely don't want to taint this beautiful moment with resentment or harsh feelings with your DH as far as who is/or is not in your room with you. I would definitely talk to him calmly about it about HIS feelings. He knows yours so let him have this one and try not to argue your case because he will just tune you out. He knows how strongly you feel about it. After you hear him out, and really try to see his side, maybe suggest the compromise. You never know. Come game day you may not want your mom there either.
I love my mother to death and I wanted her no where near me! haha
I agree with the others that you need to make sure you are both happy because u dont want anyone resenting anyone down the road because of the decision made. I am totally with LaLa about perfect scenarios going out the window. We had a few things we wanted: I wanted to try as long as possible without an epi or possibly not even get one at all and I didnt want anyone else in L&D other then DH and I and I didn't want a csection(not that most people really want one anyways). But I went for a long time without an epi but when they had me maxed out on pitocin I ended up getting an epi. When the first epi didnt work and I was in pain and could feel the 2 catherers I had in and was just exhausted I was emotional and told DH that I wanted my mom(who i'm close to and is also a nurse), and he was okay with me callling her (my dad came too and took DH down to the cafeteria for some lunch). My mom was very supportive and I loved having her in the room with me especially when soon after they made the decison that I was going to need a csection and was very upset by that she reminded me that it was out of my hands and the best thing for the baby and i at the time. I'm sure my MIL was sad that my mom was there and she wasn't but I'm really close to my mom and its just a different situation(which was a big reason to have nobody there in the first place as I didnt want any feelings hurt). So for me it was nice to have my mom's support when i decided I needed it. (and being a nurse and friends with my nurse after my section my mom go to give DS his first bath while i laid in recovery watching!
So now that I wrote you an essay about how thigns can change at the blink of an eye thats why u have to make sure u do whats best for your family in the long run and not have any resent. So i'd suggest either seeing if yoru DH is okay with yoru mom being there during labor and that when u are ready to deliver that she step out so you can experience this as husband and wife. And if not the alternative could be that your mom be on standby in case u decide with DH that u'd like her to join u.
Good luck!
I don't have much to add, but wanted to give you this food for thought: I didn't want anyone but DH around when we were in L&D, initially. But when the time came, I was so thrilled to have two of my close girlfriends there. I was induced, my DH & I started the day at 7am. We read the paper, talked a bit until my doc broke my water and we got down to business shortly after until I got the epi. After the epi, I was able to have normal conversations again (woot!) and my DH & I talked a bit and read. Around dinnertime, my gfs showed up with food for my DH, which he was very grateful for since he didn't want to leave me alone.
But when things started getting serious, I needed them talking around me because I couldn't really talk much any more, couldn't focus long enough to read or anything but needed stuff going on to help me through. Without them propping him up, so he could help me, I don't think it would have been pleasant. They weren't in the room when we tried pushing, they sure as heck weren't around in the OR for the CS, but they were there afterwards (at 3am!) to give us both a hug. Both came by the next day - one to check on me and keep me company while DH went off to shower and check on our cats and one came at a different time with food for him.
If I was in your shoes, I'd want my mom there as someone to make sure that me and my DH had everything we needed so that we could just focus on bringing our LO in to the world.
Life at Chunky Gal
Thank you all so much for your replies. It means alot to me for you to share your experiences and advice.
Talking more to DH is definitely the first thing that I need to do. I still don't have a good grasp on WHY he feels this way (just that he does and he's very adament about it). My mom doesn't care either way, she says if we want her there, great, and if not, then she will see us after. So neither of us are feeling any kind of pressure from her.
The good thing is at least we are discussing it now and not days before the due date.