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2nd Trimester
In-law anxiety (long post)
My inlaws are extremely overbearing. They don't live in the same town as hubby and I so when they visit it's usually for extended periods of time. When they do visit they move into our home and take over, to the point where I don't even feel like I live there anymore. I feel like I am in their home instead. I'm not allowed to cook, clean, etc. and am made to feel bad if I take any time to myself to relax, work out, etc. I am basically expected to spend 24/7 with them the entire time they are visiting but am not allowed to host them, it's the other way around. It is a huge problem when I am losing my self-confidence as a wife and feel like I have no place in my own home. During their last visit I had a hard time hiding my feelings (due to early preggo horomones!) and I was realy sick and spent a lot of time in bed - which apparently made them feel uncomfortable and hubby and his parents ganged up on me and they threatened to leave (which didn't go over well with hubby). In the end, I had to apologize for ???? I don't even know what just to make them stay. Funny, it never occured to anyone that maybe I felt uncomfortable, I was the one who was suffering from brutal morning sickness, exhausted, expected to spend every waking moment with them and not allowed to do anything in my own house!! btw, they knew I was preggo.
I've tried to bring this up with my husband so we can set some boundaries for future visits but he doesn't see this as a problem. This caused me so much stress that I ended up bringing it up with his mother over the phone and surprisingly, the conversation went pretty well. I gently explained how I was feeling and how much it was bothering me. She seemed to understand and respect what I was saying and agreed to back off a bit. But since then she hasn't called or emailed me at all and his father is very different on the phone, almost cold towards me so I have to wonder how much of their "understanding" was genuine. I did make my hubby aware of the phone call, what was said and how much better I felt afterwards but for some strange reason when he asked his Mom about our conversation she was very tight-lipped and surprised that I told him. ??
Now that I'm pregnant with our first child I find myself getting very anxious about their visit after the baby is born. While she has agreed to wait until we're ready for them to come I am very worried that they are going to swoop in and take over as usual. I know I won't be able to handle them for more than a week (especially if I'm dealing with postpartum stress) but don't know how to bring this up with them or my husband in a way that won't cause a huge fight.
I guess I just needed to vent a bit to get this out and maybe someone else out there is going through or has gone through the same thing and can offer some advice. I don't hate my inlaws, they are very nice, caring people and I know that for the most part they only mean well, I guess I just don't know how to set much needed boundaries when I'm on my own without the support of my husband.
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Re: In-law anxiety (long post)
I wish i could introduce you to a friend of mine, she has gone through this with her in-laws. The difference is her husband is supportive of her. That is your majoy stumbling block, you need to get through to him first.
Sorry, i'm not very much help. i really think your main problem is with your husband, though.
(((HUGS))) I empathize with you! That's a tricky situation you have on your hands. Sounds like DH needs to step up to the plate...BIG TIME, but for some reason, he's just not supporting you like he should, IMHO.
I can't exactly relate to what you are going though. Except for the fact that my husband, before we got married, was such a mama's boy. I mean, it is great that he loves his mother, but I needed to know that he would respect me as his wife & put our relationship first, set some boundaries. So, I told him how I feel & what things that he was doing that really bothered me. And he listened & changed his behavior that made me feel insecure in our relationship...because he loves me.
Sounds like you already told your DH and his family what you need, but they aren't listening or understanding...I don't know what to tell you, but I feel for you and hope that your situation gets a lot better soon...
This is the real problem, you should not have to be the one setting the boundaries or having the conversations with MIL. You are your H's family now and he should deal with this issue. I know you said you have brought it up with him before but you need to explain to him that his wife and child are his family and he needs to do what is best for them, not cater to his parents, he is an adult.
My IL's also have some boundary issues, I was informed that we needed to give them plenty of advanced notice when I went into labor so they could make the 7 hour drive to be at the hospital for the birth (nevermind I can't control the length of labor). When I explained no one was coming to the hospital they were PO'd. My H explained that we as a family wanted some private time with our child and we would call them and let them know when they could come visit.
You are going to have a newborn you can't be dealing with this. He just needs to make simple direct statements to them about the boundaries of visiting your home. He shouldn't leave anything open to interpretation and be very polite about it. That way they have to treat his requests with respect.
I agree with you all. It really does come down to my husband. It's so hard because he is a huge Momma's boy and only gets to see them a few times a year so he loves being catered to and I don't blame him but he needs to be more understanding about my feelings. I feel like his parents still, and always will, come first instead of his marriage/family. I don't know how to bring this up again without him getting defensive - as usual, we need to sort this out before baby is here! Ughh, why are men so difficult?!
I agree with the pp....this is a big husband problem. If he doesn't back you up and take your feelings into consideration, this will continue to happen. Good for you for talking it over with your MIL. But your biggest challenge is making sure your husband is on board with you. Talk to him as calmly as you did with your MIL but be firm with your boundaries. I think that was very douchey of your husband to gang up on you with his parents when you were in your first tri feeling sick all the time....don't let that happen again.
I can totally relate, except my MIL WON'T lift a finger to help out around the house. With our first child, I was told that my in laws would be staying with us for 3 WEEKS, you can imagine how THRILLED I was...DH said that my MIL would be here to help, so I asked HOW because, she doesn't cook or clean, and I was going to be BF'ing. He just looked at me. When I asked her to clean the bathroom one time, she took the little rug, shook it, and layed it back down. I was like "Are you kidding me???" When my DH came to pick me up at the hospital to bring our DD home, he came with his father in tow. Could'nt we even have a private moment of bringing our baby home alone? I wasn't even asked if he could come, but you can make sure that I just told DH that it's just gong to be US this time!
Anyway, your DH needs to put YOUR feelings first, after all, it is YOU that is carrying the baby, and will have to heal after delivering the baby. DH needs to be supportive of you, and the only way to do this is for him to be told how you feel and what it's causing you.
My DH finally got an ear full when I could'nt take his parents anymore. BTW, the only thing my FIL does when he's here is sit his 12 month pregnant looking body on my couch, fart, and picks his nose! (Insert dry heave here!!!) I have to Lysol and Fabreeze my couch everytime he's not around! Why can't we choose our in laws? LOL
Best wishes! And don't worry about how others are feeling right now, shame on them for making you feel this way!
I disagree. It is much more of a H issue. One thing we have to remember about IL (and parents) is that they have always taken care of their kids because they are parents. It is hard for them to just give up that role, even when in their kids' homes. It's what naturally comes to them. That being said, your H needs to draw the line and make them realize that you guys do perfectly okay without them (in a nice way) and that this is your home and not theirs. OP spoke with MIL and it went pretty well. She now needs her H to step up an reiterate what she already told MIL.
IMO, MIL was pretty understanding about the situation. Of course, there is going to be awkwardness. I think over time it will get better, as long as your H steps up. Also, they only come a few times a year? I wouldn't stress too much about it.
Go Phils!!
This.
Your problem is your husband. He's putting the feelings of his parents above the feelings of his wife. At the end of the day when you got married you became his immediate family and his parents became extended family. He needs to make you and your feelings his priority. Your ILs are who they are (they sound a lot like mine) and the only person they will listen to and really hear what is being said is your DH.
My DH and I went to a lot of counseling because his family always came first. We have been taking baby steps in regard to his family, but we have definitely made progress. I do have to tread lightly though when I want something to be different and we usually fight about it, but eventually he gets what I am saying. Sometimes I just have to put my foot down too and say no that's not happening.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
ITA with SailorGray
I had some similar issues with my ILs and when I talked to my DH about it he honestly didn't see what was wrong with his parents doing what they always did. He liked the break from having to do the dishes, etc. I finally got through to him when I presented me going to my ILs' house and beginning to dust. How would that go over? He admitted he would be embarrassed and that it would make his mom uncomfortable, and from there I could push my point of why would it be different for me. That conversation got DH on board. Then it coupled with an incident at MIL's where I was cleaning up a mess DD made and she told me she'd get it, and I was able to say something that paralleled it to when she cleaned my house and how it made me feel. I don't remember the phrasing but it wasn't mean while still to the point. She got it. We were able to find more of a compromise of how ILs could help out but not make me feel like I was being pushed to the side (which I don't think was their intention). Good luck.
Theres 2 issues here. Def her H should be behind her and thats one issue. For MIL to be upset and threaten to leave because she is sick and laying down also crosses a line. Which as far as I am concerned makes her a momster in law. Sounds alot like MIL has control issues that go behind wanting to help her children.
When you and your DH got married it went from being about his family to you now being his family. You should always come first. He should never be ganging up against you with his parents. He should be backing you up and supporting you. If DH did that to me during my 1st tri when I felt terrible I would have been fuming. You need to let him know how it needs to be. And maybe then he will understand and then get that point across to his parents.
I could have written this myself. Seriously. I went through much of the same type of things with my in laws with my first pregnancy, and my DH didn't really step up to the plate successfully; He tried, but MIL is very demanding/gently manipulative and always ends up getting her way. The way things were handled in my situation have made me realise that I need to be the one setting boundaries and limits this time around. Last time MIL taking over the household duties and taking care of my DS made me feel very useless and alienated and I'm pretty sure it affected my connection with my son for awhile. That cannot happen again. They have already told us they are coming down either the week before or the week of my due date; they will not be staying at our house. Good for you for taking a stand with your MIL now, and when your baby is born, don't be afraid to hold your baby and be the mother you know you are. She will never be the mother/wife you were destined to be to your baby/husband (each respectively), and she can never replace you in those roles. Don't forget that.
Grab your husband by his neck and sit him in front of a therapist so he can hear from a professional that he needs to care more about his wife and future child and your needs than being babied by his mama.
Seriously, HE needs to set boundaries with him, respecting YOUR feelings. A week long visit is enough with anyone. Especially with the overwhelming feelings with a new infant and as a new Mommy.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200 - get your azzes to a therapist NOW so you can clear up appropriate boundaries BEFORE the baby comes and you are dealing with this crap while sleep deprived and new mommy hormonal. You will all be happier!!
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I see it this way - they prob did feel uncomfortable when she was sick and in bed. Most people I know would. They may have threatened to leave, but I am not so sure it was in anger or that the IL were necessarily upset. They probably just felt awkward or even bad being there. They may have just said, "Look, if your sick, we are going to go." Most people I know would offer to leave if someone was sick.
Her H prob got frustrated because here his parents, who he doesn't see too often, are threatening to leave since she is sick and he blames his wife. Remember guys don't really get how bad you can feel during 1st tri. You don't look preg, so it can be hard for them to see how bad you are feeling. So, now she is feeling guilty b/c IL may leave and she has an upset H. Once again, it stems to the H needing to step up and say, "Hey, she has morning sickness. Let's leave her be and give her some space and do our thing."
One thing I always ask in IL situations, would you feel the same way if the roles were different and it was YOUR parents that were in the shoes of your IL? I find that a lot of ladies on here forget that their IL are their H's parents. Yea, they can be annoying b/c they are trying to be as involved in your life like your parents, but most people tend to not have the same feelings for their IL as they do their parents. I wish people would cut their IL some slack.
Go Phils!!
Dude, I am so sorry. It seems your husband would rather upset you than upset his mommy. Not really honoring his vows.
FWIW, when we go out to visit my DH's hometown, his mom and sister want us to spend the entire time with them. Not only do they want to hog our time, they want us to do what THEY want to do and give us a hard time for going to the local sites and attractions. My husband pretty much told them to lay off. It was our vacation and we have every right to spend it how we please. They got very upset ( I am talking crying upset) but he didn't care. Myself and DD are his top priorities and he would rather upset them than upset me.