- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Working Moms
trinny
member
Did your DH have opinion/preference WM or SAHM?
trinny
member
in Working Moms
My DH really wanted me to work, and I wanted to work, so good for us, but it wasn't something we talked about before marriage or kids.
I just wonder how families come to these decisions (other than dictated by finances). I think we would have had major issues if I had wanted to SAHM, as I would if DH wanted to SAHD.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Did your DH have opinion/preference WM or SAHM?
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I kinda wanted to stay home; DH kinda wanted me to work, but we agreed we'd look at it if/when I got PG and make a decision then. When I got PG, we looked at the numbers and agreed it would be feasible, but not pleasant for me to stay home. DH thought I'd be happier working too and said he really couldn't see me as a SAHM.
I'm glad I went back to work and I agree its better for all of us if I do, but I still wish I could work a little less or at least have a shorter commute.
We are the same as you - I wanted to work and DH had a strong preference that I work. But we definitely talked about it before we even got engaged. Money was a source of stress in his family his whole life so it's always been important to us to address money issues up front. I'm glad we never had to deal with that decision because I can imagine it's a stressful one!
Well, I am the primary breadwinner in our family and have been since our marriage. My husband has been in school getting his PhD for what seems like an entirety so we both always knew I would be working and I am fine with that. We have discussed having my husband be a SAHD but right now we both know that's not financially feasible.
If I really wanted to stay home and we could afford that I don't think my husband would have any issues with that.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
Financially there wasn't a choice - I make more money and carry the benefits. However, if money were no object I think he would be fine with whatever makes me happy. But also, he had a SAHM (I had a WM) and we've had differences of opinions on a couple things because 'his family managed to do it' and we don't/can't. I try to point out it's not apples to apples, but that only works sometimes. Drives me bonkers.
I used to think that I really wanted to SAH. In fact, the first few years that DH and I were together, I rarely worked more than 15 hours a week. Then when we were engaged, I got a full time job to save up for the wedding, and really liked working! After the wedding I quit, but I was soooo bored at home. I got another part time job, but really missed earning my own paycheck. DH and I really argued about it at that point, he wanted me to stay part time and be flexible to his crazy schedule. Then I got another full time job, BUT got laid off twice in one year. It was really hard for me to be forced to be a SAHW due to the economy. Luckily, I got my current job right after I found out I was pregnant with DD, and have been here almost 3 years now! And I work 24-32 hrs/wk, which I love.
My DH has always made good money and really likes to be "the provider", and none of his colleagues' wives work, they all SAH. He would love it if I decided to SAH, but he knows that is not what I prefer, so he doesn't pressure me one way or the other. Also, I know that he appreciates me taking good care of myself every day, and that would be hard for *me* to do if I SAH.
If we could swing it financially, DH would be fine with me staying home. In fact, he feels guilty that he doesn't earn enough to have that be an option. I continually point out to him that we built this life together and made certain choices. We could have stayed in our condo or moved to a small townhouse but we decided to move out to the burbs and get the house we wanted our kids to grow up in (hopefully).
We have been working really hard to pay off debt so I can have the option to not work in the future. But that's a couple of years away.
My twins are 5! My baby is 3!
DS#2 - Allergic to Cashew, Pistachio, Kiwi
DS#3 - Allergic to Milk, Egg, Peanut, Tree Nuts and Sesame
DH grew up with a SAH. He wanted me to SAH as that is what he has known.
I had a single working mom who was left by my dad with nothing after working her tail off in blue collar jobs so he could get his MBA. As much as I pray DH and I never split, the thought of giving up everything to SAH and support DH and have him leave me is too scary.Plus I love my job and flounder with even a week long vacation with DD.
We compromised, saying that we'd see how the first year or so goes. DH saw how DD thrived at school, how happy I was working and how our income is better with two people. After listening to friends with SAH wives complain about the imbalance in the marriages, he was very happy with our arrangement.
That said, in an ideal world, I'd work 32 hours and have a 20 minute commute. We are working on that.
met DH 1995 ~ married DH 2006 ~ completed our family 2008
Life is good!
I'm kind of surprised about the "whatever you want, honey" responses, but we all work and maybe more DH's would be like yours if it actually came to it. It really isn't my decision alone to make, and I'm sort of surprised by that attitude. My DH didn't want to be the bread winner and our lifestyle and long-term plans depend on both of us working.
This almost exactly. I work 4 days/week and wish it could be 3, but bills keep coming!
Before we dated, I think my husband always assumed he'd have a SAHM wife, but only because that was how he was raised not necessarily because that's what he values.
Once we were dating and married and went through law school together, he never questioned that I'd keep working. He makes really good money, although so do I, but I don't have to work. We can and do support our lifestyle on one income. I am going to keep working because I love what I do and I have amazing career opportunities where I am. I also am not suited for staying home. I think he also appreciates that the stress of providing for the family is not all on him and that we're really going to be a team throughout this process - we both provide, we both do housework (with the help of a house clearer
) and we'll both raise this baby together.
We talked about it before marriage. I originally said that I wanted to be a SAHM, and he was supportive of that. At some point (I can't remember if it was before or after marriage, but it was definitely before I got pregnant with DD), I changed my mind, and told him that, and he was supportive of that, too.
I mentioned potentially working part-time to him about two years ago, and he flipped.his.*** -- he said he'd made too many sacrifices for my career for me to throw it all away. Yeah, a little bit of an eyeroll, because I don't think he's sacrificed that much... but regardless, thanks to that conversation, I know that he now does prefer for me to work. Thankfully, I don't mind it, either.
Mommy to DD1 (June 2007), DS (January 2010), DD2 (July 2012), and The Next One (EDD 3/31/2015)
We actually never had the conversation until after I had DS. Neither one of us actually thought about how much we wanted a SAH parent until after I went back to work. It's better for us if I continue working now, which I'm fine with, but our long term goal is for me to be home more when the kids are school aged, although DH keeps implying that I'll be home after LO2. I'd prefer to work 3 days a week, so we shall see!
H was okay with me being at SAHM, but money would be tight..no savings...nothing. He said he'd get a part time job so I could stay at home, but I was not comfortable with that. Reality is, I wish I could work part time, but I carry our benefits, so it's best I work full time.
Interesting question indeed.
We never really discussed it in depth. I never showed a great interest in wanting to SAH. I go through phases where I think I want to SAH, and my fiance would be supportive of that if we sat down and figured finances out and decided we could swing it. We've honestly never even done that- mostly because I have some debt that I brought into the relationship that I'd like to pay off before I'd even consider it. I wouldn't feel right SAH and having him pay for my mistakes.
Good news is, I'm almost done paying it off.
It is interesting, because before we got married, we both thought that I should stay home and raise our kids. But, now that we are both pretty successful and both making about the same amount of money, DH and I both decided to go back to work.
Though, I've been having a tough time this week about working vs. SAH but, I think a lot of it is PPD related. I've been wanting to SAH and DH wants me to work. Funny enough, my mom was a WM and DH's was a SAHM and both of us were talking about the con's of how we were raised.
Luckily, my job is WAY WAY more flexible than my mom's ever was.
I have always made a good chunk more than DH. He makes decent money but combined we are able to enjoy things that otherwise we would not. I don't think we disucssed much about whether I'd SAH or work since I had good earning potential. His mom was a WM, mine was SAH and honestly I always thought having seen my mom, it made sense to work. Fast forward, when I had #1, I totally wanted to stay at home longer (not necessarily permanently), but longer than 3 months. Now with 2 kids and 5 years under my belt as a working mom, what I would love is a part time gig doing what I do - maybe 30 hours, but for various reasons, it has not been a viable option to pursue. I'm hoping in the coming months, I can propose going to a 9/80 schedule.
I think DH feels guilty he does not make at least as much, preferrably more than me. Simply a pride thing. I also think he wishes he made the kind of money his dad did (like $400K a year) in medical sales.
Same story here.
We never discussed it when we got married.
I grew up with a WM and always planned on working. I am not wired to be a SAHM. I really enjoy being busy and constatnly having to juggle our schedules on a daily basis. Of course some days are harder than others and I want to quit... we have made it almost 3 years of me working full time after DD.
We do however have another one on the way and I will need to reassess. Two kids in daycare would be more than half of my salary. I would love to come back three days roughly 27 hours per week. I think that would truthfully be the perfect mix but we shall see.
I have also been at the same company for 10 years so it may also be time for me to move on! Oh the decisions!
I usually lurk, but I will chime in on this one! I ALWAYS thought I would be a SAHM...my mom stayed home with us until I was in about 8th grade. Then she went to work, and my father died when I was in 11th grade, so it was a good thing she did have her career.
DH on the other hand had a working mother. His grandmother played a vital part in raising him and his siblings. He always thought he'd have a working wife. This irked me to no end when it would come up. First of all, we dont live near any family, so the grandmas stepping in as childcare was NOT an option. Plus, times are different. I know a lot of people CAN'T afford to have a SAH parent, so I knew I would probably have to work...but, still I wished.
Well, lo and behold I love working. Yes, in a perfect world it would be wonderful to stay home, but I really value my job and the interactions it gives me. I have summers off, and that is PLENTY of time to be with DS and get to be with one another everyday all day.
My DH likes that I work because I carry the insurance for DS and myself (and we'd be quite a burden on his small employer's plan), and that we basically save all of the money I make.
We have kicked around the idea of me staying home from time to time, so I know he's not opposed to it (especially if I insisted that I wanted to; which I don't).
Jen - Mom to Jillian (10/2008) and Hayden (4/2010)
My Blog
When I found out I was pg with DS, DH asked me when my last day of work would be because I could leave right before I got uncomfortable in my 3rd tri. I said, hold the phone buddy cause I'm going to keep on working. I just earned my MBA and it wasn't to stay home. While I would love to be home with my DS, I saw many benefits of me being a working mom and DS being at school (daycare). We discussed it some more and the offer for him to be a SAHD was also viable. In regards to finances, we both earn a lot and he makes about $20K than me. But it was still an option. As my pg progressed and we bought a bigger house, it made more sense for both of us to be working parents. But we each have the option to become stay at home parents whenever we want.
We didn't discuss any of this when we got married because we both didnt decide on whether we wanted kids at the time. We're very spontaneous.