Does anyone feel.... blase? numb?

katerena · March 2011

After yesterdays ultrasound my family and close friends are all so happy and excited. And honestly, I feel like I was more excited before telling people. Now people are all calling me like "sooooooooooooooo..... how are youuuuuuuuuu? This is the best thing ever!!!"

And don't get me wrong, I feel like this is the best thing ever, but I feel like everyone else's excitement is making feel kind of numb. My sister called me this morning to say that people think I'm not excited enough and she was like "what's wrong, what's going on?" and I don't know how to answer that.

Because nothings wrong, everything is great. But I feel a little surprised by how I'm feeling so guarded still. I think it's because everyone is celebrating and now I feel like the stakes are raised and there is a TON of pressure on this pregnancy now.

When really, I don't want to talk about it. Yes I'm pregnant. But no, I don't have a baby yet and we have no guarantees that this is going to give us one. I feel like I need to keep reminding people of that, but it makes me sound so negative.

Maybe it's because I get the feeling that everyone is really saying "yay, infertility is over!!!" and I feel the need to be like "no, it is NOT over!! Still infertile!! Still don't have a baby!"

Blessed1010 · March 2011

I'm in my pharmacy with tears running down my face as I rea this.

Why? Why must it be so hard? Why can't we just enjoy what we've been given. The road that lead us hear was so long, full of so many obstacles, full of so much pain, and still once we reach the point we've longed for we live in fear. Unable to enjoy what others enjoy so freely.

I don't know. Are we meant to never forget? It's definitely made me more empathetic and sensitive towards others. Is that the point? I don't know.

I do hope you find peace and comfort. I hope you are able to enjoy and rejoice over this pregnancy.

MSaksa · March 2011

I could have written that post word for word. I thoughy id be so much more excited after our ultrasound but im still not and "numb" is the best way to describe it. I think IF really takes the excitement away. We go through SO MUCH to get to this point i feel like im not allowed to be happy. I definitely know how you feel!

njohnson1972 · March 2011

For me, as soon as I got my BFP, I wanted my baby in my arms right then and there. I think after trying so hard for so long, I just want the baby more than the pregnancy.

Then m/s kicked in and I just wanted to get through each day.

Now, that I finally feel the baby kicking and I no longer have m/s, it feels real. I really feel pregnant and I guess you could say that I am enjoying being pregnant.

Sunshine05 · March 2011

I definitely understand what you're saying. DH and my Mom are both sooo excited that they are "forcing" me to be excited too. I'm still so nervous and don't want to get too attached, and then I see DH with a stupid grin and tears in his eyes at seeing our baby on the u/s screen. I am trying so hard to just be happy and not fear the worst. And this is all with no prior history since this is my first BFP and pregnancy. I can't imagine how much more guarded I'd be if I had previous m/c's that would have jaded me. *hugs* coming your way! I hope you're able to enjoy this soon!

katerena · March 2011

Thanks girls for validating. I think G is feeling the same way, actually we aren't talking about it much which is weird for us and how I know he is feeling guarded too.

But I just had a long chat with my mom and she was awesome. She was like, "your feelings are your feelings and you are just protecting yourself. We all know how happy and grateful you are, so don't worry about anyone else, people have no right to tell you how you are supposed to feel here."

She was also saying that we have been through so much to get here it would be surprising to her if we didn't have some sort of anti-climactic reaction. Loving my mom!!!

I wish we could all just confidently assume this was all going to work out in the end instead of having these slow build up to happy feelings!!!!!! I am so shocked to be feeling this way, I thought that the minute I saw a heartbeat it was all sunshine and lollipops.

Infertility is not for sissys!!!!!!

Echloe · March 2011

I know what you are saying. I think that is why DH and I aren't telling anyone until like 15 weeks. And I have to tell you that it is so nice having this secret.

I think you are plenty excited and could for sure tell that from your posts yesterday. After all you've been through you are going to be scared and that is going to mask your excitement at times. Your family and friends will just have to deal with it.

etoyama · March 2011

Absolutely. I Completely identify with what you're saying. As soon as I got pg my family, friends and DH acted like they expected me to just forget all about IF and live as though nothing bad had happened or was ever going to happen. I still alternate between anger, disbelief, and cautious optimism and excitement, but the cautious optimism and excitement didn't kick in until a couple of weeks ago. You can't be expected to just put everything that has happened behind you in a matter of days, weeks, or even months. It's a process.

LCS040209 · March 2011

I totally understand what you're saying. I told myself after I got out of the first tri I could start celebrating and I am slowly getting there. Up until week 10 I was so overly cautious, but I feel like my family was too. I am announcing this weekend to all family and friends, so the excitement is finally starting to kick in.

IMO, it is totally normal to feel that way in the beginning. I think it takes a long time to actually believe it is happening and it is hard to let our guard down.

GMR811 · March 2011

I felt this way with my first up until I felt him move regularly. I freaked when people started buying us stuff. It really made me nervous but once he was moving and I was growing I felt much more relaxed and this time I feel relaxed but its hard to get by.

steveandkim2 · March 2011

I agree 100% with every word that everyone has written. I was talking about it with my mom last night. Its like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not that I want to compare life to a movie, but the only way I can explain it is the line in the SATC movie when pregnant Charlotte says that she isn't running or doing anything b/c she's waiting for something bad to happen b/c that's what happens to her...Its so true...I'm so thankful for this little bean and so happy to have gotten this far, but I'll feel a heck of a lot better in November when I'm holding him/her in my arms.

nycbride0707 · March 2011

Yup-I feel this exactly-we have told our immediate families, and they are sooo excited, and I am certainly excited-but I just feel like I can't be as excited as them-I guess maybe because it is happening to me, and know how much can still go wrong? I keep telling myself its ok to be a little more excited after each milestone (seeing sacs, seeing heartbeats, etc)-but I still feel like there is such a long road ahead with so many unknowns. I do think it will get better though with time-as we begin to progress and really see that things are moving along well, I think we will allow ourselves to relax a bit more-but certainly not fully until we're actually holding a baby!

ColleenS629 · March 2011

I just found out today (hah!) but I know how you feel. I have had a loss before. The first time around I knew it could happen so I was somewhat guarded but this time, especially after having to do IVF, there's so much more pressure.

kimarino13 · March 2011

I felt this way until probably 28 weeks.

Romeo&Denise · March 2011

I'm right here with you word for word. I like to think that it's great that everyone else is celebrating FOR you! My MIL's reaction was horrible. When DH told her, she waved her hand in front of his face and said "eh, I'm not going to get my hopes up". We were both so hurt by her comment. In fact, I told her, "you should let me be the hopeless one, you should be hopeFUL for us, as I have enough fears without having to deal with yours."

While all others we told we ecstatic and understand why we're guarded, they said let us be your cheerleaders if you can't be one right now.

Kind of a different way to look at it I suppose? Believe me, if they were guarded like us, it would be quite depressing to deal with. I hope you feel a bit better with each passing stage (I know, easier said than done).

halfnhalf · March 2011

I can totally relate. I know I was feeling the exact same way for quite a while. I think it took about 4mos to start to feel more secure, and even then I couldn't quite let myself go, emotionally. I think how you feel is how you feel... and you can't always help it or force yourself to change. Everyone reacts differently to change, and I think it's easier for people who haven't truly been through what you have to just jump on the "hooray, IF is over!!" wagon. Even for DHs, because it's not THEIR body that has to keep the pregnancy chugging along, so they don't exactly have that sense of pressure. So anyway, give yourself time. And when you're ready, maybe you could consider doing a pregnancy journal or pregnancy blog, if you don't do that already, so you could maybe pick through your emotions and vent a little bit?

Jenny952 · March 2011

Oh hun, I totally feel the same way. I haven't started telling anyone but I am afraid this is exactly how I'll feel. This can't be happening to me and it couldn't have happened so easily. I'm sorry we all have to feel this way instead of being over the moon happy all the time. ((((hugs)))) to you.

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