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Attachment Parenting
anna7602
member
Am I really that unreasonable?
anna7602
member
Ladies, I might need a reality check. I know people have babies in all kinds of circumstances, but I have really fixated on this idea that I want to do one thing very differently than I did with DD if I have another one and that's have more involvement from DH from day 1. He works absurd hours, often coming home after DD is in bed for the night and sometimes leaving before she wakes up. They sometimes go days without seeing each other at all. Even if we never have another child, I think DH's relationship with DD would be SO much better if he had a job that was more family-friendly. Not to mention our own relationship. If I have to sit through one more date night while DH takes a conference call as I eat dinner quietly while a sitter is home with our child, I might lose it.
I was discussing this with a friend today who works in the same industry as DH and has a father who also worked the same kinds of hours, even while having three small children at home. My friend thinks I'm wrong for pressuring DH to change jobs in the next year or two and suggested I just get used to the idea that I'll have to hire more help with baby #2 if I really want another child. This friend pointed out how many of our mutual friends have grown their families like this, budgeting for nannies/sitters and even baby nurses so mom could keep her sanity and dad could keep working his high-power New York job, and how everyone is so happy and well-adjusted in the end.
I should probably mention that said friend attaches a lot more importance to the social status derived from his job & income than I do, but I still walked away from the conversation wondering if perhaps I am being unreasonable in my priorities.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I really that unreasonable?
This is hard. DH and I have been having conversations about family VS job a lot and we both agree that a job is a way of supporting your family, but should not come between the family. At the same time you need money to survive, and a job gives you that. He is actually considering getting a new job since retail management is so hard with a family.We want something that allows more of a scedule I guess.
It sounds like your DH's job is not "family friendly" . BUT the real question is does DH let this happen because he wants to? Or could he schedule himself better?
For example those conference calls during a date night would be a no go for me! Is he scheduling these during work times? Or does someone call to ask him something and it turn into a conference? Could he turn his phone off, everyone is entitled to a night off. Could he start focusing on having a date night with you and one day off as a family where he turns his cell off? If not then I would consider talking to him, can you spend the rest of your life with his job being before you and the kids....it is important that he gets that time with all of you.
Also does your DH love his job or is it just an ok job? If he loved it I would never FORCE him to move to a new one. But I would talk to him about his concern.
Another thing is the money issue. Are you willing to have a pay cut for better hours?
In the end I think it is time for a chat with DH! He should know how you are feeling atleast
Raising children is a lot of work and you have every right to communicate your needs to your husband when discussing how you want your daughter raised or whether or not to grow your family. However, if your husband needs to be pressured to change jobs or his career you might want to take a step back. The "want" part of the equation needs to be balanced on both sides. If he "wants" to make these changes and needs encouragement and support from you there is nothing unreasonable going on.
Do you know what DH wants?
DH doesn't love his job right now, but every time he looks at what else is out there, he makes excuses about why x, y or z is "worse" than what he has in some way- worse pay or worse commute or less opportunity for advancement or whatever. I am beginning to feel like he's just scared of putting himself out there because last time he went on a big round of interviews, he didn't get anything. I totally understand fear of rejection, but I feel like he would stay with the status quo just to avoid that and hence my pressuring him. He's not going to tell himself "I need to find a new job within x time," so I feel like I need to do that. I really don't want to keep doing the holding-down-the-fort-on-my-own-most-of-the-time thing, especially if we plan to have a second child, but part of me is nervous that if I push DH too much, whatever job dissatisfaction he has at his next job will be pinned on me.
My friend today asked "why do you care how often he's around if you get what you want (meaning two kids and the flexibility to make my own work schedule) and have help from a sitter if you find that two kids is too much for you on your own?" and I really couldn't articulate why I care. But I do. I feel like my husband SHOULD be around to raise our child/children, and that's the part that I wonder whether is unrealistic/unreasonable.
One more thought..Sometimes DH and I ultimately want the same thing but have different time lines in mind and this may be the case for you as well.
Example, we both want more than one child but I know he doesn't feel ready for another one quite yet. So I'm sitting here, letting good eggs go to waste, knowing that these next 3 days would be the window for my perfect child spacing scenario. It is eating at me but I know from experience with DH that it just takes him longer to be ready for these types of things. We wind up on the same page but I wish I could hurry him up a bit.
I didn't see this before I posted again.
In regards to your friend you don't have to justify what you want/need from your DH to her. I don't think it is unreasonable to want your husband around for yourself or your children as long as it doesn't come at the expense of his happniess or the well being of your family.
I think the best thing you can do right now is try to make time, with no cell phones around, to get your DH to articulate what will make each of you happiest in life and how you can work together to acheive that.
i don't think it's unreasonable to want your husband around more and to spend as much time as possible with his children.
i do think it would be unreasonable to force him to change jobs if that's not what he wants.
growing up, my dad worked full time and was studying to get his phd. he was not around a lot, but he and i were so close, always. we spent a lot of time together on weekends since i would hardly get to see him during the week. and when i was a little bit older and was waking up to go to school, him and i would have breakfast together every morning.
my dad and i have a very strong bond, even though he wasn't home a lot. i know your situation may be different and i think it's something you and your husband should discuss. but don't discount the efforts he IS making... quality means a whole lot more than quantity.
I don't think you sound unreasonable at all, but I also don't believe that a job trumps all. I guess I'd ask if these long hours are temporary or permanent and if he makes enough money for you to hire help whether he could work 80% or 60%.
Dh works 10 hour days 4x a week and takes grad classes on his day off, so 5 days a week, I am on my own until 9 pm. And I'm a grad student who "works 30-40 hours a week. It's not ideal, as family dinners are a big deal to me, but it's only until I finish school. Dh spends mornings w/ds so that's not so much of an issue, but the evenings can be hard alone.
I guess all this to say I'm in a similar situation that is bearable b/c I know it's temporary and will not be in place for lo #2.
I don't think you're unreasonable to want to discuss finding a more family-friendly career.
My DH traveled a lot, he was gone (out of the country) 2 weeks out of every month for a while (when I was pregnant with #3 and when she was a newborn). He wasn't happy with his schedule, I wasn't happy, and our girls missed him terribly. He started looking for a new job and is much happier with the new company. He's pretty much working the same job for slightly more pay and only travels once every couple of years.
It has been wonderful for our family.
This, but at the heart of this is the question of whether or not DH wants to find a more family-friendly job. You say he wants to find a new job but does he want to find it because he wants a better job or a more family friendly job and does he see those as mutually exclusive? What does he want or is he willing to sacrifice to get there. Is there a way DH would be able to negotiate a temporary change or reduction in hours to see what that extra time feels like with the security of knowing he still has a job?
We went through 3 years (pre-kids) of DH saying "family was the most important" without his actions at work matching up and me spending evenings watching him check his blackberry or sitting down to cold dinners.
To make a long story short, if I'd known then what I know now it's that DH may have wanted a better work-life balance but he didn't have the role models to get there. By nudging him into a "let's stop talking the talk and start walking the walk" and forcing him to hang out more with family (mine or his) and friends that don't put work above everything else, he began to see there was a whole different world out there and though academic and career success had made him happy in the past and were all he knew, there were a million other things that could make him happy outside of 40 hours a week, he just had to stand up to his company or find a company dedicated to that. For us this meant moving (or at least a temporary move was our catalyst) but I *think* we could have done it in the NYC-DC area if we'd really wanted to, though with COL it would have restricted some options.
I think it's something you need to discuss together. You're right that you'd feel a lot of added responsibility/guilt if he switched jobs because you pushed him to and then he wasn't happy with it.
I know I often have to remind myself how important my husband's career is to him. It makes him feel like he's needed and he's a good provider. Yes, he works long hours and is back in school getting his MBA, but he feels like he's doing the right thing for our family *right now*. Hopefully when the kids are older/playing sports, etc, he'll have more time to be with us because he put in these hours upfront, kwim?
Also, when he's not working or studying he's with us. That's it - he doesn't really golf or do many other activities. We're his hobby!
And I really, really appreciate that.
One other thing - growing up my dad was busy building his own business and was gone all the time. I often only saw him on weekends and even then just for a quick dinner together. My mom says it was crazy hard to raise 2 girls on her own so much of the time. But now he's retired early and they have so much fun together - traveling and hanging out with the grandchildren.
And my dad and I are still super close. I really respect his work ethic and he taught me a lot of values that are very important to me today.
So, yes, you might be giving up some time with him when your kids are young, but that doesn't mean he won't still have a great relationship with them. And remember he needs to be happy, too. Both in family life and career.
I'd definitely talk to him about how you're feeling. Good luck!
Mmkay, let me preface it by saying that I didn't read the other responses, just your original post Anna. So pardon me if I'm repeating people.
Does he enjoy his work? That would be my first question. If he enjoys it, then it may be more difficult for him to leave for your desires. If he doesn't enjoy it, it may be easier. Bottom line? No, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I live next door to my parents and have a lot of help, otherwise we wouldn't even be THINKING about another kid.
If status and money and that sort of thing is what you and your husband want, then yes, sacrifices must be made (time, energy, etc). If you want a larger family? Sacrifices may have to be made there (lifestyle, money, job) as well. You just have to agree which one you both want.
GL! I don't think you're unreasonable at all!
I don't know...DH also has a wonky hours and can go 24+ hours without seeing DS. He absolutely loves his job though- and as the sole financial support I feel like it's really important for him to be happy and enjoy his job. He LOVES what he does and I would feel like a jerk for asking him to give that up. We knew what his hours were like going into TTC and that's largely why I SAH.
I know how you feel and where you are coming from. But ultimately, I don't think you are being totally reasonable.
I haven't read the responses, so forgive me. DH and I have had similar issues (and still are at times). He works a lot of hours and his job is very demanding. Our first fight as a couple (and just about all of our fights) are about his schedule. We have worked out a pretty good arrangement that works most of the time. First and foremost he does not work Sundays EVER. That was our first fight. He asked me what he was supposed to tell his team about Sundays and I told him to tell them not to work either. I won that fight. LOL! We spend all day Sunday doing family things. He also comes home early on Wednesdays to spend time with DD. I often do a mom's night out those nights. We don't do date nights, but Saturday mornings we go to breakfast. DD usually sleeps through that so we get our alone time then. In return I try very hard not to complain when he doesn't get home until midnight or not at all other nights. It isn't perfect, but we are getting closer to that balance aspect. He has found that with proper planning he can meet all of his obligations.
No Blackberrys are allowed during family times either. I'd freak if he took a call during a date night. No friggin' way. I can be supportive of his hours and his time if he is supportive of my needs. It's all about balance. Good luck!
ETA: I also see nothing wrong with a nanny or a babysitter to help you out when DH can't be home to ease some of the burden and give you a rest, but that doesn't take the place of his bonding. DH needs to make time for his family on a regular basis.
Well.... I'm going to be a very different perspective here. I'm the one with the high-paying, attached-to-my-crackberry job, and he's the SAHD.
DH is often unhappy about my hours. Finding a replacement job that allows him to continue to be a SAHD and full-time student, however, isn't easy or even something I can do. Higher-level jobs aren't easy to get. I read a stat somewhere that said, for every 10K you earn over 30K, it takes on average 1 month to find a job. So, if it's 100K, that's a 7 month search.
My blackberry has to come everywhere with me. It's a job requirement, non-negotiable if I want to continue to be employed. I do make a very strong effort to leave work at a reasonable time so I can put DS to bed every night, and I don't work weekends unless I have no choice. BUT, it's part of the deal.
In order for us to have one stay-at-home parent and have the lifestyle that we're accustomed to (not crazy, but 2 cars and occasional vacations) I have to work this kind of a job. That being said, my relationship with DS is extremely, extremely important. When I'm home (and when my crackberry's not ringing), I'm 100% dedicated to them. We bedshare partly because even sleeping time is important to me. I babywear. I spend every moment of the time that I am home with DS and DH.
You definitely need to have this conversation with your DH. That's the important conversation to have, not with your friend.
I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to see your children at least most days and to have a relationship with you and them that is more than passing.
DH is our sole breadwinner and he makes a great salary for our area. I'm sure he could make more working more hours, but it is important to HIM as well as me that he be part of our lives. He loves his job and is quite happy there, but a career is still only a means to an end for us. If we could afford it, we'd both be home taking really good care of ourselves and our children, working out of the house in ways that interest us and don't take away from our family time. That is pretty much our goal.
Everyone one and every couple is different, but I think both of your opinions are equally important. It isn't fair for you to be the sole person caring for your baby (and no I don't think getting a sitter or nanny is necessarily the answer....his sperm means he has some responsibility for changing diapers and cooing at his offspring).
I was afraid of that. DH's brother is a high-powered NYC Wall Street guy and studies DH and I like we're an anthropology project. We don't get him and he doesn't get us, but it always makes for fascinating conversation.
I think the fact that you and DH are having these discussions is a good sign and his opinion on all this is obviously most important, I'm just sorry your friend is not supportive.
We also found that it was rare for anyone to be supportive of DH wanting to find a more family-friendly job (or of my support of him) as they kept telling us "he should just be happy he has a good job in this economy". Good luck with this ongoing conversation, I definitely understand how difficult it is.
I'm really not trying to be argumentative here at all, and I hope it doesn't come off that way...
I just keep thinking about this issue...it definitely makes me appreciate my husband a lot, so that is good!
I just really don't understand why here, of all places, there are so many people who think it is perfectly okay and normal for a dad to be absent a lot of the time. I definitely agree that quality of time spent together is more important than quantity, but I also know that my husband spends real quality time with our son every day of the week, and he isn't a superman and definitely works a demanding job. He just works only 40 hrs unless he really has to work late one day to get a project done.
I definitely know that some families REQUIRE one or both spouses to work long hours to make ends meet, but this doesn't sound like it is about making ends meet, and it sounds like both of you have been thinking about alternatives.
I'm just baffled about the reactions OP is getting on this board because I don't think AP is just for moms...AP is about family. All parents in the family having strong attachments with their babies. It just doesn't seem like CHOOSING that sort of job lends itself to AP principles. I think this goes back to balance...just as SAHM & D have to find a balance between caring for their child and caring for themselves, working parents have to find a balance between being employees, being spouses, and being parents.
I want to say first *hugs* having an absentee spouse due to work duties hurts! You shouldn't have to give up your closeness as either a couple or a family for work. This is one of the things that bothers me most about corporate america.
I disagree with your friend quite vehemently. It's like the saying our mothers used... if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you? If your situation isn't working for you then you need to change it. The first question is can your family succeed financially if your H changes jobs? If you can then it's a no brainer. You're unhappy, and your needs count so you and H need to figure out how to get you happy. The second question is since H is working so much is HE happy? If not then it's an easy fix... he needs to find a new line or work. However, if you can't succeed financially if he changes jobs then you need to figure out what you can change to make the current job and your family life cohesive.
Bottom line... you're not unreasonable. You're not happy, it's not unreasonable to want to be happy!