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Baby Showers
joint baby shower - need opinions... (rant)
i am pregnant with my first child - due aug 2nd. it is the first ANYTHING on my side and the first boy on my husbands. we are the only members of his family that live away from home since my hubby is military. his sis-in-law is due at the END of sept with her 1st and his sister is due mid-october with her 4th (she has 3 girls, doesn't know the sex yet of #4). due to distance, we don't get home very often. we have decided to plan a trip home over mother's day weekend. only for 3 days... his mom wants to throw a JOINT baby shower! i feel like a baby shower should be about ONE baby, ONE couple. plus, how can you ask guests to bring 2 gifts? i am appreciative that she wants to throw us a shower at all and i love his family and am very excited to see them all... i just don't understand why his SIL has to have her shower EXTRA EARLY just because we will be in town!!!!!! not only do they both live in town, but within 10 minutes of my mother-in-law! my husband isn't being supportive at all. i'm tempted to say i'd rather have NONE than a joint one... if we were just coming home for a 3-day weekend we would visit with family and friends in small groups and it would be just as nice. i am so frustrated that he doesn't care how i feel and thinks i am being unreasonable. i just want to know if my feelings are justified or if it really is the hormones. and if it is due to heightened hormones, shouldn't my feelings still be given validation? just because they may be fueled by hormones doesn't mean he shouldn't care, right?
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Re: joint baby shower - need opinions... (rant)
If it is just family that would be coming to both showers anyway I don't see what the problem is with the joint shower. Sounds like you might have other issues with it than just the shower (based on the back story you gave about the wedding etc).
Just out of curiosity, what does the fact that they are on their 3rd pregnancy but lost the first two have to do with anything? I wasn't sure why you brought that up so thought that might have something to do with why you are upset but wasn't sure.
Personally I wouldn't have an issue with having a joint shower, but that's me.
After two losses, third time was a charm.
pm me for blog link
A shower is a gift, so you sound pretty spoiled complaining about it. You also sound really awful talking about this being your one SILs 3rd pregnancy, although she lost 2. It makes it sound like you don't think she deserves a shower because she has had previous losses.
That being said, if your MIL is set on throwing the joint shower, only have her invite people from your DH's side of the family. See if someone else from your family or friends are going to/willing to throw you a separate shower at a different time.
Your other option, if this really bothers you that much, is to tell MIL "thanks but no thanks".
I agree with you that doing a joint shower puts guests in a rough position of having to buy two gifts, however if it is all family, they would most likely be doing that anyway.
Well that is up to them and that isn't the reason you express for being upset in your OP.
After two losses, third time was a charm.
pm me for blog link
I can understand this point as well, but this is not a decision for you to make. She's pregnant again, and I'm sure she's excited and a ball of nerves at the same time. She has every right to rejoice in being pregnant, too.
While there is a lot of stuff in your post that makes me raise an eyebrow about you, I will say that I do agree w/ the big picture of what you're saying. I dont' like joint showers for many reasons.
But it's not up to you to dictate that MIL has to throw 2 showers. what you can do is very gently and nicely and graciously say is "Oh- it is so sweet of you to offer to throw a shower. however, a joint shower makes me really uncomfortable. I'd rather you just focus your energy on SIL and her baby....".
Then it puts the ball in MIL's court to either do that, or to perhaps make your shower in May and throw another one for SIL at a later date.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Did you have your bridal showers and weddings the same time too?
Some milestones should be celebrated individually. This is one.
This happened to me when DH's sister got pregnant and was due 6 weeks after me. I felt exactly the same way as the OP. Since DH's parents are divorced we had a joint shower with each side of his family. As much as I did not like the idea because I felt like it took away from the specialness of each of us, in the end both showers worked out fine and I enjoyed myself at both showers. I still had my own shower with my family so I got to be the "special" one at least once.
As much as it may seem sucky, I think when someone offers to throw you a shower you just have to appreciate what you get.
I personally don't like joint showers...been to a couple but never hosted one. As a guest I felt awkward at one of them because I only knew one of the moms-to-be. The other joint shower...I knew both girls (one better than the other) but it was quite an expense all at once for me.
I would let MIL know you are not comfortable with a joint shower because it would be a large expense for anyone attending. If she says she doesn't agree and still wants to make it joint just tell her that you appreciate the offer but you'd rather just be a "guest" at your SIL's shower. I do agree with you that your SIL's shower should be later...but would not mention that. I would think since your MIL is your SIL's mother she would want her DD to have the spotlight by herself...but maybe I'm just weird that way.
This exactly. I think having a joint shower would be totally chaotic.
You sound like a spoiled brat. There is nothing wrong with a joint shower. Showers are supposed to be about showering you with love, and just as a parent can do that to two children simultaneously, a room full of women can do that to 2 grown women simultaneously. Maybe your MIL wants to make sure that you and your SIL can be at each other's showers, and since you won't feel like travelling much soon, this is how she wants to do it. PLUS, showers are a HUGE expense (mine cost $400 between food, renting the space, etc).
My cousins (sisters) had a joint bridal shower and it was really nice. No one cared about having to bring 2 gifts. Plus, will you be getting a separate shower from your family or co-workers or friends? If so, you really have no reason to complain. Many women only get 1 shower.
That being said, many women don't get any showers. So stop whining that you won't be the sole center of attention and be happy that your MIL wants to do this for you.
Why is that any of your business? You are so rude.
I hate the idea of a joint shower, but with that statement? You come off as a total A$$HOLE.
I THINK it is just for her and dh's sis, not the SIL on her 4th child. That is what I gathered from the OP. I think it would be crazy to add the SIL pg with 4th child as well.
After two losses, third time was a charm.
pm me for blog link
I was trying to make a point. I have seen ruder comments from you on here for months. Get over yourself
I would think that a joint shower would be a much bigger expense on any guests that are invited but that is just my opinion.
Oscar born October 2011
Miscarriage at 8 weeks (August 2013)
DD due September 1, 2014
wow some of you guys can be very rude on here! If you have nothing helpful to say other than to just call her names then why are you even posting. BEFORE you post think about your conduct!!!!
My SIL is also having her first in Sept. and we live only about 20 min apart and we are not having a joint shower. I'm due in June and she is due in Sept if we had a joint one it would have to be April/May and she wont' really be showing by then so.... we both wanted a baby shower on our own and wanted that for each other! (Different family members are throwing our showers so it isn't really a big deal of one person planning two tho)
You sound like a brat to me. You say you are tempted to say you'd rather have no shower than a joint one........please do everyone a favor and SAY THIS to your MIL and spare her the hassle of putting together a joint shower for someone who doesn't want to share.
Also, you said you'd rather celebrate in small groups since you're only going home for a three day weekend. DON'T HAVE A SHOWER than.....except you make it sound like if the shower were just for you you'd have no problems with a larger gathering.
Do yourself a huge favor and step back and think that maybe, just maybe they wanted you to feel included in your SIL's shower and figured if you were home for a weekend they could "kills two birds with one stone".
It sounds like you're better off not having a shower with your dh's family altogether (life will go one I promise and think of it this way you don't have to ship all those gifts people would so generously buy you back to your current home)!
Lastly, ask yourself how your SIL would feel having a joint shower earlier to accommodate YOUR travel plans??
Get over yourself.
I admit that I wouldn't be thrilled about having a joint shower, but I think there are a lot of variables in your situation. The biggest is that you live far away and are only going to be there for a short amount of time; it seems to me as though she wanted to give YOU a shower while you were there and then decided that it would be a good idea to have your SIL's shower at that time as well even though she is due some time after you. Maybe it was more economic for her this way, maybe she thought it would be better for guests since they wouldn't have to go to two baby showers. I'm not sure if she's planning on having only your husbands' family there or is inviting your and your SIL's family/friends as well, but I don't think it's impossible to do the "shower" things together and then break off and spend time with your own family/friends. Or just ask your MIL to have only her family there and then do something with your own family/friends on another day you are there.
This is hard to explain, but I personally might feel uncomfortable if the shower was for your MIL's daughter and you, just because I would feel like she might put extra effort into her own daughter's wants and there would be family that would go just to see her and might put a little more into her gifts and spend more time with her at the shower. However, neither of you are related to your MIL by blood, so I don't think this would be a problem.
Also, have you ever thought that your MIL might want you ladies to get a little bit closer and celebrate your babies together? You're acting like 2 months is a long time when in reality you and your SIL's children will be growing up together. They will also be cousins, so perhaps your MIL wanted to start the relationship between everyone now so when the children are born they would see each other more often.
All in all I think it would be disrespectful of you to shrug off this shower that your MIL has graciously asked to throw you. Attempting to blame your "pregnancy hormones" on your lack of critical thinking just makes it sound like you have no self control.