- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
step-moms, what is your role?
I don't come on this board really, sometimes I lurk here and there. I was just wondering what do you consider your role to be as a step-mom? Did your role change when you went from dating to married? and finally, does your DH expect your role to be any different than what you see it to be? Please share.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: step-moms, what is your role?
**Coming in from lurk mode**
Honestly, my role with my SK's is not as involved as others on this board since they do not live with us full time. They are expected to respect me and do as I tell them to. I do take them out for fun activities. However, DH's relationship with the BM is not that great so they have a lot of power struggles going on between them. I stay out of it, which makes for a much less stressful life for me.
We have them EOW and usually a day during the wk. I've been in their lives for about 5ish years now and feel they do respect me.
My role-I pretty much am a parental figure (although not the parent) or more like an 'aunt' in their lives. They'll chat w me on the phone, they respect me and our rules. I do things with them (including homework and school projects) and am fairly involved in their lives although I'd love to be more involved. I feel they are fortunate to have loving parents and loving extended families. These kids got it good-IMO. Ok, granted, their parents are divorced, but they see how we work together (most of the time).
Helps if I answer the rest of your question... My role when we were dating was not the same. I wasn't around as much (as I didn't live with DH til we were engaged). I was more on the sidelines... Now that we're married, I do a lot of meal planning (ugh), but that's due to my own doing and wanting to eat healthier, etc... I probably am also DH's memory... as I seem to remember things better than he does (what's happning when, etc...) or he has it that way knowing I'll remember, I'm not truly sure...
TTC since 08/2010
Anovulatory since at least 12/2010 (probably longer, unDx)
Dx PCOS 3/2012
SA 5/25/12--normal
June 2012--50mg clomid+TI--BFN
July 2012--50mg clomid+Ovidrel+TI--BFN, lining at 5mm
August 2012--5mg femara+Ovidrel+TI
My role as a step mom seems to be the support system. I am there to support my DH and SD's relationship in the best way I can. I make sure that DH remembers all of SD's school or sporting events so we don't miss out. I am a parent in my house, so SD is to respect me as she would any adult. I think being a step mom is really hard. There are boundaries that are blurry. At times, it can be hard to love SD like my own, but not to act like her mother.
My role definitely changed when we got married. I was more of a friend to SD while DH and I were dating. We would do fun things together, but I didn't have to discipline her much. Now, she is a child in my home, which can require disciplinary action. I am also much more involved in SD's life. BM and my DH have often relied on me to pick up SD or drop her off when they are not available to do so.
DH and I have a similar view of what my role should be, however, I think he believes it should be easier than it is at times. I am always trying to make sure that I am not overstepping my bounds while still trying to love SD and be involved with her.
This will sound bad, but I am simply H's wife. That being said, SS lives in another state and only comes 2-3 times per year. When he comes, he is to respect me, but I don't spend much time with him. The reason I don't spend much time with him is because I feel since he only sees his dad a few times per year, they should spend as much one on one time as possible.
H is okay with my position. SS comes over sometimes to see LO, but he doesn't stay long.
We aren't married yet, so this is different than most responses. I have been in SS's (who is 3.5) life for about a year and I have a varried role from day to day. BF has him every day for about 4 or 5 hours and 1 or 2 weekend days depending so I see him regularly. I don't hand out punishments, but enforce what BF says ie say please or thank you, dont' climb on that etc. I would say I'm more of a helper as opposed to a "mom" but I'm becoming much more invovled. Everything from making food to helping during bath time I'm involved in.
Can I let you know when I've figured it out?
No, I guess my role would be ancillary parent. I like what someone said about being a paternal figure, but more like an aunt. I do not agree with every decision DH and BM make about DSS, and I find it's easier to step out of the "parental decision maker" role altogether. If DH asks advice, I dole it out; but most of the time I'm there to back him up.
I also organize our lives at our house. I set things up so that DSS is as successful as possible (organizing daily schedules, chore charts, reward systems, allowance, etc.). I find camps, classes and activities for him while he's here (since we mostly have him on school breaks). I set up family events, etc.
DSS rarely needs discipline, but on those occasions when he does, I have full authority to issue time-outs. If it's BIG, DH is called in immediately, and we do full-on family conferences.
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
I've never used the "Blended Family" board on here either. I frequent StepChicks and it helped me a LOT in the beginning with trying to find my place and my role.
I'm one of two mom's. I've been in my SD's life since she was 2.5 and she'll be 5 soon. She knows she has a "mommy" and a "step-mommy". My role shifted but only because our lives shifted not long after. I took on a lot of "mom" activities - pre-k enrollment, doctor's visits, etc...A lot of the planning/scheduling.
We have SD 3 nights/week and when DH was out of town for work, I still kept our by myself on our scheduled nights. We're big on routine in our house, which we've discovered SD actually likes. DH and I are pretty much on the same page as far as what we expect and rules, so we're just an extension of each other on that topic. I discipline when necessary and DH backs me in front of her. We may talk about it later and come to a different conclusion, but he's always on my side in front of her. That's a VERY important part of getting respect and being seen as unified. She's just now starting the game of asking to do/get something and if I say no, she'll ask her daddy. She's been caught everytime so far which leads to her losing whatever one of us said yes to.
My role has changed as of late though because I've decided it needed to. As far as in our house, nothing has changed, but I'm not "mom" and I no longer do the unseen "mom" things - kindergarten enrollment, doctor's visits, etc...
I agree... That was part of my change. If DH asks for my opinion or advice, then I share it. Otherwise, if it doesn't concern my house and SD is safe and ok, then I'm out of it.
My role is another person in their lives who loves, supports, and helps them. I'm not their mom, but I am someone that needs to be respected and listened to (discipline). I let DH and BM make decisions for them, and try to keep my mouth shut unless asked my opinion, and even then I try to choose my words carefully.
Things have changed since we've been married (3 years now) because I am more active in their lives. We didn't live together until we got engaged, so prior to that we didn't have much time together.
As far as what DH wants my role to be vs. what I want it to be: we've had a few discussions (arguments) about this. At the end of the day I conceded because they are his children and he has every right to the last word on them.
Thank you everyone for your input.
I've been struggling with this topic on and off. While we were dating DH and BM had 50/50 custody. My role has always been that of support on the days he had his son. Last summer BM lost custody of SS for being under the influence while having SS with her. She has visitation 2x a week. DH has full legal and physical custody.
That happened right around when DD was born and previous to that we agreed I would stay home with DD. Now that we have SS full time and DH works I basically have him full time except for the hours he visits his mom. He is not in school yet. I was so overwhelmed going from no kids to 2 full time kids I talked to DH about putting SS in pre-school a couple days a week. DH wants me to be mom to SS - and feel that he already has a mom. I take care of SS but my love for him is like that of a nephew (or like some of you have said I feel like an "aunt"). I don't feel for him the same that I feel for my daughter and DH gets mad at me for that.
I love DH and accepted he had a son, but I feel kind of burdened by this. DH guilts me when he takes SS to pre-school, saying I don't want him (SS) here. He also says that maybe I should go back to work to help the cost of pre-school, but I feel he should ask BM for child support if that's the case. They decided to have a child together and he refuses to acknowledge her existence or talk to her about anything. I do all the exchanges with her and she only text messages me.
I feel so confused about how I should be feeling. I was just wondering if this is normal.
I am SS step mom, he has a BM that he loves and I value that he loves her and respects me as his step mom. He is respectful and does his chores and listens to me.
My role as it is with my daughters is that I am here for any of them at any time, he is treated like he is my child. no special treatment for him or the girls. DH feels the same way for all three.
I do everything for him as if I was his BM, buy his clothes and other what nots, I make sure he has everything he needs, and he knows he can come and ask me for things.
The only thing he questioned when he moved in was doing his own laundry, my girls have to do their own and he had to follow with that. He did good.
Our only difference is his BM lives across the country and he doesnt see her that often because the deal is she has to buy his plane ticket as part of the agreement she and DH made. So there is no telling when he will see his mother again.
I am not married yet, but to my FI daughter, I am more of an auntie or friend. She is 4, so we play a lot, and she usually wants to help me cook or clean. I do not discipline. If she is doing something that is unsafe, I will intervene, but as far as if she acts out when its just me and her, or if she does something against his rule he will do the disciplining. I like it this way, I do not think this will change after we get married.
I just wanted to add, it will be differant when we have kids of our own. But things I find unacceptable, he and her mother let her get away with. And she is at the age where she likes to exaggerate stories to her mother, so I do not want any drama to get started especially when things are starting to calm down.
Their BM died when Charlotte was a baby. I'm the mom of this house and I am their mother in the ways the count. I've been a part of their life since Charlotte was a toddler and I helped my H raise these girls to be the people they are today. We talk about their BM and they know that I'm a different kind of mom but they both call me mom. My H works a lot of hours and I spend a lot of time caring for them.
This is pretty much me.
SS is 15, and we do struggle with the respect thing a bit. And quite frankly he doesn't want to hang out with us and have family time...he is 15, he is hormonal and hates the world. When I am with him, I feel like my role is support related. I am not the disciplinarian, I am not the creater/enforcer of rules. I try to be a good influence for him, encourage him to be his best self, and to provide what needs providing, from an adult standpoint...so food, clothing, etc...but again in a support role. He has a mom, and whether or not I personally like her is irrelevant. She raises him, and she is there for him. As is his Dad.
What do you consider your role to be as a step-mom?
I consider myself an "extra" parent. Basically, I function just like a parent, but decisions that DH or his BM make trump me. (Basically, our rule of thumb in our family is that "real" parents get a whole vote and "step" parents get a 1/2 a vote when there are decisions to be made.
)
Also, I'm available to take the kids to doc appointments, or fill in as a chaperone on field trips when DH or BM can't, or go to their school for "career day" or whatever.
Did your role change when you went from dating to married?
Not really. I mean, I guess it sort of "evolved" a little. When we were first dating I was more "in the background" and slightly less involved...if that makes sense. As we dated longer and I got to know the kids more, and they got to know me, I became more involved, and when DH and I moved in together it became what it is now.
does your DH expect your role to be any different than what you see it to be?
Not at all. In fact, we've discussed this at length and talked about how this is what works for us as a family. The kids love having four parents instead of 2 because they get more people to help them/do things with them/talk to them/be there for them/etc.