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Preemies
STILL resenting "normal" pregnancies..especially SIL. Vent.
So, I consider myself a pretty well-adjusted preemie mama veteran. DD was born at 25 weeks, had 96 days in the NICU, and is now healthy at 2 y.o. DS was born at 35 weeks after 14 weeks of bedrest, and he had 5 days in a Special Care Nursery. My SIL just had her first baby. We have historically not really "clicked". The pregnancy was unplanned, she was married to someone else at the time, and she smoked the whole pregnancy (just a few tidbits to get me going). She had a scheduled C-section and all grandparents were present to celebrate. I am fuming as I look at the perfect bedside photos of the baby and happy parents. I am reading the posts from everyone about what a perfect experience it was and I knw that her baby will come home with her in a day or so. I am confident that we are done having babies, so I will not have this kind of pregnancy experience in my life and I need to accept that. I just wish that I could at least be neutral and not crying when I am so jealous and hateful towards my own family. Vent over.
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Re: STILL resenting "normal" pregnancies..especially SIL. Vent.
I'm sorry
I think that's totally normal, the way you are feeling. I feel like that too. Like "everybody else just has normal pregnancies and healthy babies" and I'm even jealous of the NICU mommies that come in and out. We have semi-private rooms so Scarlette constantly gets new admit roommates that come in and go home in a week or so. And while I know THOSE mommies are feeling awful, I can't help but sometimes in my head be like "seriously, you're crying because your baby is in here for three days?" which I know is totally HORRIBLE of me.
It is sad not to have any celebratory hospital photos or traditional pregnancy experiences. We are done as well, Scarlette will be an only and I dreamed the other night she was back inside me kicking and I woke up so sad that I only had that experience with her for such a short time. One day you'll probably be neutral, as the years pass but I think even at 2 it's still a really fresh trauma.
((HUGS))
I often feel the same way. It sucks that we missed out on so much. It doesn't take away from how grateful we are that our children are here with us, but I think there is a lot of greiving after you have a preemie.
I feel the same way. The Special Care Nursery at our hospital is dead smack in the middle of the maternity ward... so as I walk in and out everyday, I see people coming with balloons and flowers and happy faces. I see them all gathered around the bed swooning over the new baby and celebrating. I hate that I didn't have that.
I also really hate when they roll perfectly healthy babies into the SCN (if its a slow day they just combine the 2 nurseries) to sleep while their mom sleeps or goes out for a walk or whatever... what I would give to be able to be with my baby all the time. I would never let him leave my side...
My shower is in 2 weeks... and I am so sad that I am not big and round... we can't play the "guess when the baby will be born.... how much will he weigh... what will be his length... name him" etc. type of games. We can't play "guess how big Mommy is around". I know it will be fun and everything... but it isn't how it's supposed to be... and just one more reminder of the things I was "supposed" to have... that I don't.
My MARRIED Bio
I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. It's a yucky feeling to have. I find myself thinking and feeling the same way and then I feel so guilty for it.
Although I didnt have a preemie, nor did my son spend months in the NICU (17 days), I do know what its like to not have a "normal delivery" I read someone's comment about how the regular nursery was close to the special care nursery and it reminded me of when I woke up in recovery from my csection (I had been awake during the csection but they shot my up with valuum so I passed out.....
I woke up in recovery and my FI came in and said that something was wrong with LO and he was not breathing and he didnt know what was going on. I told FI to go be with LO. As I layed there and BEGGED nurses who were walking by to tell me if my LO was ok and no one would update me. I had no idea if he was dead or alive at that point. The recovery room that I was in had other women who had just had csections and we were just seperated by curtains. I layed there and listened to these women, thier SO and the nurses GooGoo and GaaGaa over these brand new little perfectly healthy babies while I wondered if mine was even alive. I was flipping out to say the least. Screaming, crying, begging someone to go check on him for me. Finally one nurse let my mom come in to be with me but then the other one said the she couldnt be in there with me and made her leave. They said it was for SO only. I begged "please my FI is with LO and he is in critical condition and I dont want to be alone" They still made her leave. I didnt find out any details until three hours after LO was born. I layed there for three hours by myself not knowing anything about the condition of my sweet little baby and listening to other happy families gawk over thier babies that they were holding and cuddling with. Keep in mind that going into the csection I knew LO was in distress but I figured he would be fine after he came out so all of this was totally unexpected......
I just realized that I am totally rambling on and on. I dont think I have talked about that moment in a really long time and I am glad to be able to get that out. If you have made it this far, thank you so much for listening and just know that there are other people who did not have that "perfect" delivery.
This! I'm so grateful, but still feel like I missed something!...the ENDing!