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June 2011 Moms
bunnyc1246
member
Grandparents drinking problem?
bunnyc1246
member
So im very close with my parents, but they both have an alcohol abuse problem. It has been mentioned before to them by me, by others, but they dont seem to be slowing down all that much. Well dh and i were talking this morning, and he was saying that our child will not be around them if they are drinking like that, and that he will get up and leave if they are. I know this is going to cause huge conflict. Theres certain occasions that the fam likes to drink, but seem to always take it overboard. So do any of you ladies have issues with your parents, and worrying about them being sober to take care of your baby?
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Re: Grandparents drinking problem?
It sounds like you're talking about 2 different issues here. 1 - being around them with your baby while they are drinking and 2 - letting them care for your baby without you around knowing that they drink.
For the first, I wouldn't automatically get up and leave but I'd keep a close eye on things for sure and at the first sign of any danger to your kid, yeah, I would leave.
For the second, no way on earth would I let them watch my kid until they got sober. Permanently.
My FIL is an alcoholic, and my MIL's head is so far in the clouds from enabling him her whole life, that I probably wouldn't trust her to watch my daughter when FIL is around. Luckily, we live 600+ miles away from them now, but we will be moving back to our home state in the next year or so. It's a tough situation, and I'm not looking forward to all the awkward scenarios that will come up.
I refuse to let my daughter be around my FIL when he's drinking, so I tend to agree with your DH. Sorry you have to deal with this!
"So do any of you ladies have issues with your parents, and worrying about them being sober to take care of your baby?"
This is simple you just don't let them take care of your baby, at least not while you aren't around. If they seem to be to drunk to handle your baby, then you don't let them. Your responsibility will be your LO's safety, not whether your parents are going to get upset that you don't allow them to handle your child or care for child while they are drunk. Would you allow them to drive drunk with your child in the car? Would you leave your child with a babysitter that may be to young, immature, irresponsible, etc..? It shouldn't be any different whether they are your parents or not.
I wouldn't wait for it to blow up when they are drunk or drinking, I would have a conversation with them when they are sober and lay the rules down, while they are perhaps more sane. If they can't handle what you have to say then, they will not handle it when they are drinking and you should just be prepared to leave when things get out of hand.
GL!
I agree.
And since it sounds like you guys have already talked to your parents about the issues, I'd just have another talk with them before the baby gets here and let them know that if you're all hanging out and the drinking gets out of hand, you guys will probably take off. IMO it's not a great example for your little one even if she's not in immediate danger.
On the second, yeah, no way would they be watching my kid unless they made serious life changes now.
I know standing up to parents is one of the things that is going to be hard, but you are a mom now too. You are 100% within your rights to do what is best for your child and your family, regardless of whether it steps on their toes.
I wish my mother had an addiction, because then I could excuse some of her horrendous behavior. She is just plain obnoxious half the time, and jugemental the rest of the time. In between she gets weepy and clingy. I can tune out her constant behavior changes and her rude, abusive comments, but I know the baby can't. So while your situation is different, I am also up against a parent that requires extra consideration around kids.
What I plan to do is what Carla suggested--tell her what's up and leave it at that. I think you have to establish ground rules and then follow up on them, like you would a dog or a baby or anything else you want to learn to treat you a certain way.
I hope all of this works out for you. You're lucky that you're close to them, but I know sometimes that makes it harder.
You, little one and husband are going to be your own family and that means you can, somewhat, play by your own rules, too.
I don't think it is going to benefit anyone to totally deny your parents' the ability to see their grandchild, supervised, in your presence.
If things are getting out of control, you can certainly make the call that it is time for your little family to leave the situation.
I hear you on not having parents/grandparents who are a viable babysitting option, and while this is a little overwhelming, lots of our friends have found that they don't really want to leave their LO anyways. My MIL is manic-depressive and a hoarder. Realistically, her home is not a safe place (our dog got really ill there) for a child.
And some really great friends, not family, will help make it work!
When I was pregnant with DD 8 years ago, my dad had an alcohol and coke issue. I grew up around it, and it was ugly. I made it clear to him before she was born that if he continued the drinking/snorting, that he would never, ever spend time with her. I didn't want that type of influence in her life, whether she was alone with him or not. It was enough to make him get sober.
My advice is to come to a decision on what is ok and what isn't ok with YH, then as a unit talk to your parents about. Stay strong in what you decide and make sure they clearly understand. It may cause some drama between you for a while but if it is what's best for your baby, it is what needs to be done
My FIL is an alcoholic and my MIL likes her pot (they are good 60's people!)
I worry about it but it puts my husband in a bad mood when we try and discuss it. To be honest, I am not putting much effort into dealing with it right now because I think it will just cause unnecessary conflict with my husband at this point. He is very big into not worry about something until it is needed. And the other weekend we had an issue with being at the In-laws house with my 19 year old niece. If he was that protective over my 19 year old niece, I can just image what he will be like with his baby! He knows how I feel, but for now I table the topic. When it comes time for them to watch the baby...then it will come up for discussion with both us and them. No I am not burying my head...this is my child but until the topic of them watching my child comes up, I am choosing not to rock the boat.
I don't have any experience with this on an adult-level, but when I was a kid, growing up, both my paternal grandparents were alcoholics. a) I was never left alone with them. b) I NEVER KNEW they had a problem -- it was great to be a blissfully unaware child going about my childhood without adult knowledge/worries, c) Because there is some links with alcohol abuse and generations, my Dad chose not to drink the first two decades of my life to avoid potentially developing a problem like his parents.
I knew my grandparents loved me, I loved them, and we had a ton of fun together during visits - even when my grandma had her scotch at her side. (I thought it was apple juice). My parents and grandparents never fought or argued about it in front of me, and truthfully, I was sad to find out the truth as an adult. I had a great childhood.
I hope you and your family can work out a safe and healthy solution for everyone.
so almost 4 years ago my dad had a stroke. at the time he was drinking heavily and smoking 2 packs a day. now 4 years later...he still drinks to much and smokes a lot although i don't know how much. he does not drink during the day but he starts at about 6pm until he passes out. a true "functioning" alcoholic if there ever was one. my dad is just not the type of person to babysit unless there is an emergency and no one else is available. however, i do worry about him smoking around the baby. currently myself, my mom, and my two sisters all have asthma and he doesn't care. he feels like if the smoke is not blowing right at us it's okay. i really do not know what i am going to do about this except to limit the time and exposure to my dad. i know that he has struggled to quite for many years but has never been able to make the break. you and yh need to have a plan. if you are with the baby how much harm is the baby in? as they get older you will want to shelter them more from their gparents issues but you have time to get there. maybe talking to them and telling them that they will not have time with their grandchild if they are drunk will help them to clean up their act. (maybe not) and of course babysitting is totally out if you can not trust that they will be and stay sober for the duration.
set limits and understand that they may never change and it's sad but there is nothing that you can do to make them change. GL.
My father is a recovering alcoholic currently in AA working his program. He knows, as I've been very vocal, that if he ever fell off the wagon when a grandchild was in his care that would be the end of trust for quite some time.
He's done really well, so I'm not uncomfortable at this point in our life and his recovery leaving LO with him.
So I certainly don't think you or your DH would be out of line setting boundaries that you are comfortable with. I know I already have. The other thing I've learned is that one person's reaction to this situation is very different...and you've got to respect it. Like, my brother and I have had very different battles dealing w/ my father's addiction. I'm a lot more forgiving than he is, but he's had it worse than I. I also think even though they are your parents, you and your husband really need to be on the same page with what to do in that situation, not falter from it, and back each other up in your decision. So if your DH wants to leave...you should probably leave.
But definitely explore this subject more with him and how you two, together, will handle it.