School-Aged Children
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i am so heartbroken...
We try our hardest to raise our kids to have respect and manners with other people. And DD#1, my 9 year old, came home yesterday and said that her bff didn't want to talk to her or be her friend anymore, and that the little girls mom said they cannot be friends anymore. Well DD and her friend both spoke with the conselor today and decided that it would be best for them to not hang out. Well I called to talk to the little girls mom, who was not home, so I talked with the girl. She went on to explain to me things that my DD had done to cause her to not want to be her friend and for her mom to tell her not to hang out with her. Things that consisted of my DD cursing, sticking the butter finger, and other things that I am not proud of. These are the types of things that are okay with her dad for her to do when she is at his house, but I refuse for my child to act like this. My poor baby has been through so much. Her dad is on his 6 child with 5 different women, only one who he was married to, and is now going through a divorce. He has lived in 4 different homes in the past 10 months. And DH and I are about to have our 2nd baby together. My heart just breaks that she is acting out this way and I don't know what to do 
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Re: i am so heartbroken...
What does this mean? Flipping someone off?
Just because she said it here, doesn't mean she says these things in front of her daughter. There are plenty of things I say about my XH in front of my friends or online to strangers that I would not even think of saying to her or within earshot of my daughter.
I can hear the pain in your words. First let me start by saying Im sorry you are going through this. I would NOT beat yourself up, but I do think its time for some close looking at your situation. My girls are too young to go through this yet, so this is not first hand advice, but I have many friends who deal with this situation.
Being split between two households is a difficult thing. Children really dont know how to express theses deep rooted feelings. Most adults dont know how to handle such difficult things. I would continue to foster positive interations and behavior, I do think that if her father does behave the way you describe and there is anyway that you can co-parent with him that would be to her benefit. Try speaking candidly with him and express how she is in true pain. Maybe he will try to curb his behavior in front of her. Sitting down with your daughter together and showing a united front, would be very powerful. If that isnt possible, maybe you and your DH can step in and set the example. I do think that you need to express in the most loving way possible that the way her father acts, is not how a young girl should treat her friends. Maybe express to her a time when you were young and was affected by a bully or a "mean" kid. Make it personal. Tell her how it made you feel. If you didnt have any of these experiences maybe seek some books that talk about this topic.
I wish you the best. Please keep us posted. She looks like such a sweetie pie and Im sure she is very loved. I would try not to beat yourself up too much, but getting a handle on this now would probably be best.
Hang in there.
Celina
You might "refuse" to allow your child to act like this, but obviously that is not stopping her. I actually think it might be a good wake-up call for your dd. Instead of feeling sorry for her, make it a learning experience. Point out to her that this is a consequence of her behavior. Parents don't like their children to hang out with other kids who use foul language and are disrespectful. In a way, it's easier than if the friend just stopped liking her. Your dd's manners is something that she does have control over.
Have a talk with your dd and ask her why she thought it was ok for her to act like this at her friends home? At nine years old, your dd might act out, but she is also old enough to know that people don't like bad behavior, even if her dad thinks it is ok.
Obviously, your dd might not be able to explain some of her feelings. Does your school have a psychologist or mentoring program? Your dd might benefit from either of these things. Also, maybe you can make an "action plan" for her to behave better (rewards, etc.). "Catch her" doing things right. Meaning, give her attention when you see she is working hard, using manneres, being good with her sibling, etc. Let her see that positive behavior gets attention, too!