Postpartum Depression
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xp: EP and feeling guilty
I am posting this here and on BF because it applies to both. My little man is almost 2 weeks old and from the start we always had a little bit of a latch issue so I switched to just EP when we got home from the hospital and also to monitor how much he was getting. I am pretty sure I am going through mild PPD and want to cry at everything, and with this crying at everything it includes when I pump. I feel guilty because although I know that BF is what is best for LO and what DH and I decided we really want for LO but I keep wanting to go to FF. I hate feeling constrained to my pump every 2-3 hours, I feel so painful and engorged every 2-3 hours if I don't pump and at not even a week of EP I have over 80 oz of milk frozen. Part of me wants to FF for the fact that it is easier and I feel like this might help with the PPD because it will take some of the pressure off of me and will help my mental state but I know if I bring this up to DH he might get upset and think I am just trying to take the easy way out. I am beyond exhausted and with DH's job I cant exactly wake him up to help in the middle of the night when LO wakes up screaming and then after settling him down then have to pump. LIttle one has his days and nights mixed up right now so around 2am he is wide awake until 6am.
I feel like I am failing as a mom with wanting to stop and go to FF. Any suggestions?
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Re: xp: EP and feeling guilty
Take a deep breath! You are doing great!! The first month is HARD. I EBF my lil boy until just recently at 8 months when I decided I had to go on some meds to help with my PPD. First, let me tell you the BF is hard!! We had major latch issues, I was engorged and it hurt!! I will say that my mother and my husband were great support and without them I dont know how I would have dont it and I probably would have given up. It is difficult feeding every 2-3 hrs. I too had to pump after nursing. We would nurse for 45-90 min (not a typo) cause we stunk at it. then I would pump x 20 min to help establish supply, then I would sit down and it was time to do it all over again! We also enlisted the help of the lactation counselor at our hospital and she was a great help too. We would go to her and she would weight him before and after he nursed at each breast and when I thought he was getting nothing she would assure me he just took 2 oz, etc. Do you have this available...if so they are a wonderful resource. We made a visit to see her weekly for the first 6 weeks. She helped with positioning, latching, and breast issues. DH went along too and was able to help me while at home with issues. I was very frustrated in the beginning and super tired. I too felt like a failure and would cry at every BF session fail as I sat there and pumped. I laugh now and tell others If I can breastfeed your husband can breastfeed. It took us 8 weeks!! 8 whole weeks to get good at it and still it IS time consuming, but it was something that I did not want to give up on and am glad that I didnt. I am having issues now cause I stopped at 8 months and couldnt do the entire year that I had as a goal. I tell you all this to tell you that BF can be very challenging and if you are really wanting to try it there are resources that can help you throught this hardest time. It is a learned behavior for both you and the baby. BUT--it is a personal decision. If you feel that your emotional state is too much and you are not able to be a good mother to your baby then you and your husband need to make the decision whether or not to continue and find peace in that. You are not a horrible person for not continuing to EP and FF. You have to make decisions that are best for your family and for your health both mental and physical. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you need anything or have any questions. I only know my struggle and experiences with this. It gets better.
I am going to give you support from the other side of the coin
I had major latch issues once I got home from the hospital with DD...bleeding nips, major, major pain. At around 3am after being up nonstop with her (yes, nursing for 45+min and getting myself situated just in time for the next round) I gave up. I think DH was scared of me and let me give a small bottle of formula. The next morning after I calmed down, I decided to EP and thought that would be the best option until I got my emotions under control. The pumping went great for a couple weeks. I felt a huge amount of relief (both my nips and my mind), but I always had a feeling of disappointment in myself. DH was great and would take a couple of feedings at night and I would just pump. The rest of the time, I would feed DD then pump after. After a cuople weeks of that, I really started to get down on myself...I think it was the combo of lack of sleep from nonstop feeding/pumping and PPD setting in. I really felt like I was failing and not feeding DD the natural way and I was afraid of not getting that bond with her. My mom and sister never BF so they weren't much of a help, but everyone else around me basically just preached the benefits of BF and to just "hang in there". That wasn't really the support I needed. I wish I had gone to the weekly lactaction groups at the hospital, but it was an hour away and I wasn't feeling that at the time. Mind you, this was all well before realizing I had PPD and attempting to get help for it...I JUST took steps to get help recently. After a little more than 6 weeks of EP I gave up. It took a couple days to commit to it and just not look back. I stopped letting myself think about BF and told myself that DD got 2 months of BM (2 extra weeks of my freezer stash) which was better than nothing. From that point forward, I really did start feeling better, sleeping was a little better ( as good as it can be with a 2 month old). I found out when DD was almost 3 months old that she was sensitive to dairy and had to switch to soy...which explained her gassiness, diarrhea, and general irritability early on while BF/EP'ing. She is now just over 13 months old, drinking whole milk without issue and is a very healthy, active, easy going baby who I love more than anything. BF or lack of does not make you love your LO any differently and does not predict growth and/or developement.
With all that said, I understand how you are feeling right now, and like PP's have said, it is VERY HARD. It is very hard to BF, it is very hard to EP, and it is even harder to make the decision to switch to FF. I think what it comes down to is you need to do what you truly feel is right for you and just stick to it. Once you make your decision and own it, you will feel better about the situation. Don't let others look down on you or pressure you to BF or EP if YOU don't feel it is right for you right now. Your DH should be supporting your every decision right now regardless if it is BM or FF. You will probably have lots of ups and downs over this and many many other things, but your DH needs to support you, listen, and attempt to understand without judging. Good luck and PM if you have any other questions/need to talk.