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LindseyJW
member
totally minor vent - passive aggressive or just annoying MIL
LindseyJW
member
my inlaws are socially awkward and visits with them can sometimes be awkward as well. i BF and always feed audrey before we visit with them b/c it makes them uncomfortable in their presence, but if i leave the room, they worry about me hurting myself (their upstairs could be on Hoarders).
if the baby does anything that's not happy, they immediately ask when she last ate. i'm pretty good at not starving my baby, but i also don't feed her every hour. it is inconceivable to them that she might be fussing b/c a) she doesn't want them to hold her, b) her diaper needs changing, c) she's tired, d) whatever else might be the matter. it's always b/c she's hungry, in their eyes.
so they will then ask me every 15 minutes (or every time she fusses, whichever comes first) if she could be hungry. until a couple hours have past, at which point she very well could be hungry. i usually follow her cues and can tell when she's hungry vs something else being the matter. so when i get up to go feed her, MIL announces "see, i told you she was hungry."
but i also can't help but wonder if there is a little passive aggression thrown in there. she doesn't believe in BFing, didn't try for any of her 6 children. she doesn't believe it is nutritious or filling. she actually suggested that i give the baby sweet potatoes when she was 3 weeks old.?
i'd like to think that she means well,but it's really annoying and makes me not want to visit.?
surely i'm not the only one with a passive aggressive MIL with opinions on child-rearing. what do you ladies do? and how would you handle this situation? continue going and not saying anything? tell her how annoying her comments are?
ETA: they are local, so we visit at least once a week and usually for a few hours on the weekend, so it crosses over a feeding time. also, MIL and i get along very well, she just does these things that annoy the mess out of me! LOL!
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Re: totally minor vent - passive aggressive or just annoying MIL
My MIL was the same way - never tried to BF, didn't really get it, and also fed DH rice cereal in his bottle starting at two weeks (!). I never BFed in front of them (I would go hide in a bedroom for some quiet) but she was always asking how much longer I was going to do it, when I was going to wean, didn't I ever just want to give him a bottle so someone else could feed him etc etc.
No advice, really, just empathy. If she starts hounding you, I think just a simply stated "It's not time for her to eat yet" should suffice. And just let everything else roll off your back. You're a good mom, you know what your baby needs and you're giving her the best start you can with BFing.
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
thanks. this is what i do now. i say it once, then ignore the rest of the commentary. ?
I think you answered your own question. Like you said, she just doesn't understand BFing and those who don't understand something seem to think that means it's OK to question and/or criticize in their own way. I wouldn't take it personally. Would you rather she come out and say, why are you starving your child? Maybe if she did, you could come back with a more direct response. My mother does this with other people and their babies, openly criticizing the way they do things, and I'm really worried that she's going to be this way with me. So I'm preparing myself to handle her. At least my mom is blunt - so if I'm really getting aggravated I don't feel bad telling her to keep quiet.
I get the same thing - not from my in-laws - but my own parents. I'm the only one in my family to breastfeed so I think they just don't understand it...
Also - we waited until 6 months to start solids and my mom constatnly made comments about him being hungry. I just told them I was following the advice of his pediatrician.
Hang in there! You are certainly not alone on this one!
can they come visit you so that you are on your own turf? can you say "yes, she is hungry now but she wasn't 2 hrs ago or 1 hr ago"
I think she has grandma mentality, the baby is never warm enough and is always hungry; you'd think after 6 kids and how-many grandkids, she'd learn but apparently not
good luck, you are a great Mom and you know what's best!
Why do older people always think a baby must be hungry?
I don't think anyone has a problem with me BFing, but they were always saying he was hungry. I think when you're not mom and you don't have to worry about a feeding routine, it's the easiest solution. Any kid will shut up if you feed him.
It may not be passive aggressive. I do really think that our parents' generation thinks they know a lot about parenting, and they're just trying to be helpful with their cockamamie advice. Remember, we are the first generation with Internet- this has revolutionized parenting with access to science, pediatrician recommendations, and virtually any sort of information you could want to decide what is best. People used to rely on pass-down info a whole lot more.
I find that people who didn't BF find the whole thing totally mystifying. My DH's bio mom is the same way - formula fed four boys. There are so many misconceptions about it - like you said, I've heard the "It doesn't fill baby up as much as formula" one, which sounds like the one your MIL can't get out of her head.
You're being very patient with her, and I'm going to go with that she's really is just trying to help. That may be naive, and there may be some passive aggressiveness in there - but rise above it.
With my truly evil step-MIL - who is just plain aggressive, forget the passive! - I use direct statements as in "No, baby's not hungry."end of story.
If it was my MIL who I acutally like and don't want to offend to I use a lot of chuckling and smiling with the baby as in "No, that's not it - at least I don't think so (look at baby and smile) Is mommy starving you? Is that it? Are you starving to death? Oh wait, you just ate an hour ago cutie, you don't need to eat again!"
thanks everyone! sometimes it's nice to hear that you aren't the only one dealing with issues like this. it's totally not the end of the world, or a deal breaker with our relationship.
audrey will be 6 months next week (omg, where did the time go???), so we'll be adding solids soon enough (she is still pushing things out of her mouth with her tongue though, so maybe not for a while still). i bet scheduling a solids feeding for when we visit would make MIL's day!