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Jamison13
member
Wondering what to do...(long)
Jamison13
member
I hate to air my business out here like this but I really need advice. Friends and family are offering their advice but I want a 3rd party opinion (so to speak).
I'll start from the beginning.
He and I have been acquaintances for the last 1 1/2 years. He is 21 (almost 22) and I am 25. We hooked up on Thanksgiving, condom broke, and on Christmas I found out I was pregnant. I told him as soon as I found out. I let him know that I didn't expect anything from him except that he help me financially with the baby and once he was ready to be a dad I would let him into our baby's life. Since then I have been sharing everything with him. When my appointments are, ultrasound pics, baby shower details, what the baby may possibly be, etc. I am only 17 weeks along and around 12/13 weeks we saw each other out and about and he asked if I would come by and talk to him about our baby's future, so naturally I said yes and showed up. Well I showed up and all he wanted to do was sleep with me again, and that made me mad and I told him to talk to me when he was either ready to be their for the baby or be there for me and the baby. But I have still been sharing all the baby news with him. Oh and throughout all of this I have kept his "identity" quiet so no one but my closest friends know who the father of my baby is. It is nerve wracking to keep that to myself too since it makes everyone look at me like some kind of home wrecker because they think it is some married guy or something.
So my problem is this...
I am in the military, stationed in Okinawa, Japan. I will be moving to Texas in May. He was supposed to be going to the same base I am but I think they are discharging him because he got into some trouble. I am not sure if he is going to be reachable when the baby comes and/or if he will keep up his end of the agreement that he will help with the financial parts of the baby's life until he is ready to be more. He doesn't respond to any of the emails I send him (he does not have a phone) and he still has not told his parents about our baby. I am worried that once I get to TX and he gets kicked out and moves to where ever he is going to move to (he is from OK, about 5 hours from where I will be stationed) that I won't be able to find him and he will be out of our baby's life forever.I am also debating on telling people who the father is just so maybe his superiors and his friends might be able talk some sense into him.
I grew up without my dad but my brother's dad was there for me. I want to be sure that my baby has a constant father figure in their life since we will not be living near my family. I also want to be sure that I can provide everything possible for our child and I want him to feel the same way.I know I cannot change the way he feels completely but if he showed any sign of carrying that would make me happy.
Please lend me your advice. I apologize at the length of the post and if it sounds at all whiney. I am close to reaching my breaking point with him and want to be sure I do the right thing before its too late to do anything at all.
Thank you.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wondering what to do...(long)
I think you should start preparing yourself for this guy to not be in your child's life. It sounds like he doesn't have any intentions of doing so, and actions (or lack thereof) speak volumes.
Legally, he can be held financially responsible for this baby through court ordered child support. It might be more difficult if you can't track him down or don't know where he is, and it's not a guarantee he'll pay, but you should definitely apply for it.
IMO, it's better for your LO to grow up in a loving, stable environment with one parent than in a home where the father comes and goes as he pleases.
ETA: I also don't think you're doing yourself any favors by concealing the identity of the father from your friends and family.
It doesn't really sound like you meant your above statement. You were tip toeing around him, but not truly stating your expectations (or daydreams).
Concealing his identity to your friends and family is just ridiculous. What is your reasoning behind that? What are you protecting him from, and why are you doing it?
I have been preparing for a future without him in it. I am just stuck on whether or not I should keep expecting things or just give up on him now and try to keep track of him after we get separated (by location). I have his social security number so that will make things easier to find him when the time comes. I will just keep him updated on the baby while I am here. Once I am gone he won't hear from me until the baby is born and I need to get the paternity test done for child support.
I keep hearing that he can sign something that gives up all his rights to the baby. Is this true and should I mention it to him? My mom said that it might be easier for me and the baby if I just did that because then there would be no potential drama with him in the future for custody.
I meant what I said about letting him be in the child's life if he wanted to be, but I am not going to let him come in and out at his convenience. My mom raised me alone and I can do that same thing with my child.
About the identity secrecy thing, I was just being considerate to him. But I am done now, I will however warn him that I'm "letting the cat out of the bag." Who knows maybe that will force him to take some kind of action.
The first person I would talk to would be the military lawyer(s) the military makes available to you. Explain your situation, and make it known that this person is whom you believe to be the father, and ask him what your options are. If you have the baby and establish paternity before he is kicked out, they will take the child support from him whether he likes it or not once an order is given. If not, there may be something he can do about having something written up for after birth for summoning him for testing, or anything like that. You need legal advice if he's trying to ditch out. Get it before it's too late. I'm sure you as well as I do the military likes to keep things tame and controlled, and they will work with you as long as it you do it right.
If you have him sign away his rights, you let him sign away financial support. So this is up to you. Do you wish to be rid of him, does he want no part, are you ok with him not ever paying child support or being there? Relinquishing rights = no responsibility financially or otherwise, so don't think it means he just can't fight you for custody.
Do NOT do this before you speak to someone in charge, or to a lawyer (if you warn him at all). This just reeks of possible trouble. He could easily defame you before you have a chance to get any help at all, and it just gives him more opportunity to go to a ranking officer, make up a story about how you're insane and stalking him, blah blah blah. And then not only will you be stuck, defamed, and untrusted until paternity, but it could severely damage your career, and also set him up to be a pity party recipient, and cause tons of drama.
I've spoken with lawyers and they say that nothing can be done until a paternity test is done. They also said that once he is out of the military they can no longer force him to pay. So they suggested I wait for paternity results and then go through the state court system for child support.They will not do intrusive testing where I am currently stationed so I must wait until she comes out.
About my career and reputation, I am not worried about that at all since I am the ranking individual and I have done nothing wrong. He is the squadron bad boy and everyone knows he is not honest or reliable when it comes to the truth. I am going to speak to our first sgt about all this tomorrow since the legal office offered little to no advice.
If you get him to sign away his rights, you'd also be releasing him from any liability of paying child support. You're better off applying for sole physical and legal custody. If you're living in different states and he's not showing any interest in being a part of this child's life, you should have no problem getting it.
A lesson that some of here had to learn the hard way (at least for me) is that BEING NICE GETS YOU NOWHERE.
I will have to look into the sole physical and legal custody option once I get Texas. I haven't ever looked up laws for child custody. I have released him name in my unit but not like in a wave. I've only told my supervisor and from there only those that need to know will find out. So no worries about dramatic overload, but at the same time the superiors will lecture him on his responsibilities with our child. I don't think he will go to legal to sign away his rights simple because that would mean he would have to do something. I am pretty sure he is hoping once I leave that he won't hear from me again.
My life may be easier if he is cut out of the picture but I don't want that for my daughter. I want her to have the option of knowing her father is she chooses to someday.
Thank you all for your advice. I am going to keep tabs on him until she is born and then file for paternity testing, child support and custody through the state. I won't be living too far from him so I am sure I will be able to tract him down for all three of those things.
Thanks again!