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Dealing with H's family when LO gets here..(long/vent/concerned)

beeunitbeeunit member
in March 2011 Moms

I have been thinking about this since the day I got my BFP.  H comes from a very controlling family.  His grandmother is crazy.  For example, she offered to pay for the cake for my baby shower..and then got angry when I did not order it from the place she wanted me to.  At our wedding shower she was so mad that nobody asked her opinion on the food/decor/time/location/whatever, that when she showed up she sat in the corner the entire time and scowled.  When the baby shower rolled around H asked her to please be civil (as she was in the middle of a war with MIL over my SIL who is 16).  She freaked out and didn't show up, and didn't speak to either of us for almost 2 months.  She is extreme. 

Unfortunately, MIL kind of follows in her footsteps.  Not in the throw a tantrum and pout in the corner kind of way, but in the "what you need to do is..." kind of way.  She means well and I know she does, but she also doesn't respect my wishes.  For example..we have 2 dogs.  Since the day we got them I've asked everyone I know to please not give them table food.  She does it anyway.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she is at our house or we are there with the dogs she's got them both at her feet and she's feeding them under the table.  I ask her to stop and she just looks at me and continues to do it.  I also told her the story of my cousin's MIL feeding her 6 month old son icing from a birthday cake.  She said "At 6 months old he'd be eating mashed potatoes and gravy when he's with me".  She just doesn't get it..and she doesn't care.  I have told H over and over again that he needs to talk to her because she doesn't listen to me.  He doesn't think the dog thing is a big deal..and in the grand scheme of things maybe it isn't, but when it comes to our wishes and then not being granted when it comes to our son..she needs to be told.  I have no problem doing it, but she doesn't listen to me.  I am hoping once he's here H will step up and talk to her.  If he doesn't, then I have no intention of allowing LO to stay with her unsupervised.

Is anyone else dealing with family or IL's like this?  What are you doing to make sure you're heard?

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Re: Dealing with H's family when LO gets here..(long/vent/concerned)

  • mrsjanksmrsjanks

    I swear, MIL hates me. From the day we announced we were engaged, she kept asking DH if he was making a mistake. She hated the day/time/place/colors/dresses/ceremony wording, etc about our wedding.

    DH's cousin is getting married on July 4th weekend. The wedding is in Chicago, and we're planning to drive up there (we live in GA) with 5 month old Landon. The ILs live in New Mexico. They are FLAT broke, so they didn't come see Landon when he was born, and probably won't until we all go to Chicago. So that they can see him for longer, they want to drive to GA and the ride in the car with us (so that's 4 adults plus a baby) for 15 hours to Chicago. YEAH, NOT HAPPENING!

    I often butt heads with the ILs, but I'm never quiet about how I feel. I'm not rude or disrespectful, but I let them know what I think. I'm just a blunt person like that, though.

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  • srs5624srs5624 member
    imagebeeunit:

    We have 2 dogs.  Since the day we got them I've asked everyone I know to please not give them table food.  She does it anyway.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she is at our house or we are there with the dogs she's got them both at her feet and she's feeding them under the table.  I ask her to stop and she just looks at me and continues to do it. 

    I also told her the story of my cousin's MIL feeding her 6 month old son icing from a birthday cake.  She said "At 6 months old he'd be eating mashed potatoes and gravy when he's with me".

    I have told H over and over again that he needs to talk to her because she doesn't listen to me.  He doesn't think the dog thing is a big deal.

    There are the parts that concern me. You have an H problem, not a MIL problem. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think that feeding a dog table scraps is a big deal... you think it's a big deal and he doesn't have your back.

    You can see the writing on the wall and he's ignoring it. She disregards your feelings about the dogs and she admits that she'll feed your 6 month old mashed potatoes and gravy (something I assume you're opposed to... ick). You've mentioned it to him and he is disregarding your feelings.

    Sorry to be blunt, but he's allowing his mother to treat you this way... which means he's putting his mother's feelings before your own.

    To answer your question... yes, H's parents are overbearing and my dad is overbearing. My mom is actually ok (my parents are divorced, his are still together).

    H and I have agreed that we will have certain rules/boundaries and the grandparents will be made to understand that this is our child... not theirs. What we say goes. It might not be what they would do, but we're doing what we feel is best for our child.

    For example... I have my reasons, I'm not going into them, but we will be formula feeding. My mom was disappointed and tried to convince me otherwise for a few months, but she finally realized that this is our child and we're doing what we feel is best. She asked for our brand preference and has been stocking our pantry with formula ever since.

    My ILs were offended when I told them that they're not invited into the delivery room. It's me and H (and medical staff). H is handling them. He told them that it's not up to them, if they can't get over it we just won't call them until we're settled at home and ready for visitors.

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  • NicoleBG72NicoleBG72
    I feel the same way you do! My MIL just does whatever she wants when it comes to babies. She gives her other grandchildren mt dew when they are like one years old and gives any sweets and lets them run the show pretty much. I am not very outspoken at all so I keep telling my DH that he is going to have to speak up for me sometimes. Thankfully I think he will step up some because when my MIL gives our dog table food he will say something... But yes definitely talk it over with H. Because otherwise you are just gonna look the mean one but in reality people should respect your wishes when it comes to your child! I am defintely big on children and what they eat because I feel so many people give children such terrible food all the time.
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  • kwitt22kwitt22 member
    Honestly if it were me and i ask mil or gil to stop feeding the dog from the table multiple times and she didnt didnt listen. i would ask her to leave the table and or my house. you wanna act like a child you will get treated like one. i would not leave my kids with them until they can respect your and dhs wishes. and yes your h needs to be the one to do this since it is his fam.
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  • green beangreen bean
    uggg thats so frustrating, this is exactly the reason Iam kind of happy my in-laws live in Guatemala I know that when they come to visit they are going to try and do all sorts of random things to lo, my dhs cousin was giving her 9 month old Coke to drink , good luck and you really need to tell your DH that he needs to talk to his mom about not feeding the dog or your lo things you don't want her to.
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  • MissYouDietCokeMissYouDietCoke

    I'm more worried about this happening with my mom than my in-laws!  My mom has already told me that she thinks swaddling is cruel, and that we'll be feeding LO solid food way before 6 months. 

     

    Sigh.  

     

    I think you and your DH need to be on the same page and create a united front with all of this.  I might be inclined to let the dog stuff slip, if it means you can get the baby stuff going the way you want.   It won't work if you and your H aren't in agreement though. 

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  • beeunitbeeunit member

    Thanks for all the responses guys..I appreciate it and I'm glad I'm not the only one (although I wish none of us had to deal with it).  I agree that H needs to have my back, and most of the time he does..just the dog thing slides for some reason.  I really do think that once LO is here he'll stand by me, but I just wish it wasn't going to have to be a fight with her.  Respect our wishes and leave it at that.  I don't care how you did it or why you think your way is the right way.  You raised your kids.  Now it's our turn. 

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  • SL2010SL2010

    Like others have said this isn't just a MIL problem, it's a DH one too. It is unlikely he will suddenly change his tune if he hasn't been backing you up in the past.

    Be firm with your MIL and stand your ground for what you do and do not want w/ your LO. Then you have to either be prepared to not have MIL take care of LO unsupervised (so she doesn't give him mashed potatoes & gravy!), or accept that when LO is with her she is going to do things her way and ignore your wishes. It's a frustrating situation- hang in there and figure out what works best for you and LO.

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