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lboers
member
Speaking of mommies with PTSD...
lboers
member
How common is this? Is there a "mild" form of PTSD? Do you see a therapist yourself?
I ask because I've recently started to realize that I have what I would consider an abnormal amount of emotional reaction to the things that happened during my pregnancy. My baby girl was diagnosed with congenital myotonic dystrophy and we were told that a worst case scenario is that she would die (before 40 weeks or within a month after birth). Best case: she would have trouble breathing, swallowing, be completely floppy and possibly be mentally handicapped. After the ultrasound that pointed us in the DM direction it was almost like feeling her move in my belly was an emotional tug of war. I was so happy to feel her move because they told me it was unlikely but I think I was also trying to not get attached knowing what all the possibilities were. To this day, giving it more than a fleeting thought brings tears to my eyes. As i'm writing this I can't help but cry. I am usually an optimistic and thankful person. I can't stand to see others complain about their babies or pregnancy symptoms and I do not complain myself because I know many people aren't as lucky as I am and have to deal with much more every hour of every day. But, if I let myself think, it's not long before Im right back in that lonely place. Back in my darkened bedroom with "Hallelujah" playing to my belly, waiting for some movement, and then crying when I felt it because I knew that she could be taken away from me at any time, and seeming to be the only one who truely understood the magnitude of what COULD happen. Everyone else would brush it off almost with the classic "everything will be fine".
Anyway, so much more I could type and not really a point to all this. It just feels good to "talk" about it sometimes. Thanks for listening.
Note: I feel selfish even writing this because so far, our girl (6 months old today!) has few symptoms and none that are severe. The nature of the disease tells me that symptoms can still appear at any time but right now she is in her 4th month of braces for club feet and has weak neck muscles preventing her from lifting her head of the ground. I know I am lucky but still feel cheated out of the happiness of pregnancy (and of course, then I feel quilty for feeling sorry for myself). Why do I do this to myself?
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Re: Speaking of mommies with PTSD...
Hmmmm....I never really thought of myself as having PTSD. I mean, I don't really talk about it unless someone asks me. And when it does come up it really bothers me. I have mixed feelings because while I know we are very lucky and know that it could have been worse, I'm irritated everytime I hear of someone who didn't take care of themselves during the entire pregnancy and have a perfectly healthy baby. Then I knock some sense into myself and realize its not their fault. Not anyone's fault. Somethings just happen. So now I'm wondering if I may have a mild case of PTSD or just bitter?
Either way, I have to remind myself to just enjoy my DS and not dwell on the past. Sucks that we're constantly reminded with all these appointments and specialists. Makes it kind of hard. And with some of us, not having a diagnosis makes it even worse.
i know exactly how you feel. it took me a very long time to adjust and come to grips with our situation. for the longest time i didn't bond with my son. looking back on it i feel horrible because time goes by so fast. but now i enjoy every single moment with him. sure, it's still hard to see other families and yes, i'm jealous that it seems like they don't have a care in the world. but then i remember that you don't know what other people's situations are.
i still get that yucky feeling every time we go to the hospital though. and there are certain smells and such that make me have a rush of emotion. my therapist agrees with PTSD. she said that it makes sense for me and other parents in a situation like this.
this ariticle is old and i think it's been posted here before but it's very enlightening.
https://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html
i usually lurk but i saw your post & needed to respond as well...I totally have PTSD (getting better though), you can look up the diagnostic critera from the DSM IV online. I'd have flashbacks to L&D and them whipping the ultrasound around to see what was going on and then would have extreme anxiety over it, even months later. I also get the added benefit of taking call in the same L&D unit (I'm at the end of a peds residency) and so whenever I'm over there or in the nursery I have a really hard time. I've been lucky enough to not be called to a resus in the same room we were in though, thank goodness :-)
I think it's pretty normal as long as it continues to improve and is not interfering w/ daily life- otherwise ppl should talk to someone. I probably should have but never did.
My son is almost 3.5 and I JUST started therapy a few weeks ago. This is after my sons pediatrician felt I had PTSD when I started crying after his 3 year well visit. I am a therapist myself and knew I "had it" but just started seeking help. I will say that you should get help NOW, do not wait. I let this fester and spin out of control for over 3 years and it has eaten away at me bit by bit.
I too struggle with the whole "selfish" "guilt" . My son is healthy and neurotypical now. He was born after a perfect pregnancy, a seemingly uneventful labor and delivery and started showing distress symptoms ( apnea) about 4 hours after birth. A CT scan showed a swollen brain and an EEG done later was abnormal. Blood tests showed elevated ammonia and lactic acid. B/c he was "fine" @ birth the doctors were confused- either metabolic or a transient hypoxic event. The "who knows" was the worst for me. We followed up with a neuro and a geneticist and were discharged from all specialists by 1 year.
To this day- 3 years later I still worry DAILY, almost to the point of obsession that something will "pop up". B/c we do not know what happened and b/c my son appears so "normal" I worry that he has some rare degenerative disease. I have googled everything under the sun. It is a horrible way to live and I fear the older my son gets the more aware he will become of my hang ups regarding his health. I had another baby 10 months ago and I fear he will feel less loved and less important as I am not as hyper fixated on his health.
Sorry for the "ramble" but the gist of my story is to seek help now before you get to this point. You will be a happier healthier individual and a better, more present parent.
I used to see a therapist for other life issues (we all have them, right?), but when my son was in the hospital was the last time I saw her. Unfortunately, soon after we got home I got a letter saying she was battling cancer and could no longer practice. A month later or so she died.
I am sure I have PTSD and my OB even has mentioned it since I am now 27 weeks pregnant with our second child. I wish I still had my psychiatrist to go to that new my history so well. I know I need to go, but I am scared to start new. I also loved my first doc, so I don't know if I will find another match.
Anyway, here is another link to a good article on this. It is on a CHD website, but it pertains to all parents of kids who have been in the NICU. Sorry my computer won't let me make it clicky!
https://chdbabies.blogspot.com/2009/08/nicu-parents-trauma-may-last.html
I definitely think that I struggle with mild PTSD-- I still cant talk about my pregnancy experience without crying and I think about it on a pretty regular basis. I will say though that what your describing sounds a lot like me when I was struggling with PPD. For me the PPD didnt kick in until DS was about 7 or 8 months old. I honestly think it was because I was in shock and still in survival mode after my difficult and scary pregnancy, having a son with special needs, getting his diagnosis, etc. When I finally started to face some of the fears and anxieties I had been carrying for months it just all came out and it was really hard. I finally let myself breathe for a minute and it was like as soon as I let my guard down things got really dark really fast. I thankfully had a sister who had been suspecting it for months and as soon as I really opened up to her she insisted I get help that week.
I made an appt with my midwives, they quickly and readily agreed that I had PTSD and PPD and they gave me a months supply of anti-depressants and strict orders to start therapy and get in touch with a psychiatrist to continue prescribing my meds. Honestly in most situations they said they dont feel comfortable prescribing meds but knowing my situation and seeing how dire things were they wanted me on something in fears of me hurting myself because I felt so down and so overwhelmed and so just awful.
For me getting started in the talk therapy did wonders. I was only on the anti-depressants for like a month and a half and I do think they helped "re-set" my body back to what it needed but just being able to talk with someone candidly about how I felt and what I experienced has been very beneficial and therapeutic. I would highly recommend finding a good counselor to talk with. GL and ((hugs)) everything you are feeling is normal and happens to the best of us!