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VBAC
Guilty feelings
Does anyone else here feel guilty about wanting a VBAC? I've posted about this before a few months back but can't shake the feeling that as much as I love my little girl, I want a completely different birth for her younger sibling.
I had a very easy labor but ended up with a very traumatic emergency c-section. In my experience, dh wasn't there for the birth as he was left waiting in the hall, I needed general anesthesia and I didn't meet my daughter until she was several hours old (all things that to this day make me cry when I think of them).
How do I get past this feeling? I hate the idea of striving for something so different my second time around because my first delivery wasn't as positive of an experience as I wanted it to be ASIDE from the huge fact that my daughter was born healthy of course.......I don't EVER want it to seem like that wasn't the number one priority for me.
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Re: Guilty feelings
you were not in control of what happened for your daughters delivery. it's not like you opted to have a c-section for the heck of it. a vaginal delivery is generally safer and more beneficial for mom and baby. regardless of your emotional reasons for wanting the VBAC, understand that physiologically speaking it's the best path to birth (considering mom and baby are healthy and not in need of a cesarean for legitimate reasons). You intended on that for your first baby, why not give that same opportunity to your second without beating yourself up about it?
edit: messy sentences (and I really need to change my ticker!)
But what is the alternative to wanting a VBAC? Another birth you aren't happy with so that things are "even"? Of course not.
There is NOTHING wrong with not being happy with your first experience! I don't think anyone could fault you for feeling unhappy about an emergency c/s under general anesthesia- that's seriously scary stuff. Wanting a better birth experience for your next LO doesn't mean you aren't thankful for your first healthy LO- it just means you don't want to another traumatic experience, and you shouldn't feel guilty for that!
Many people don't "get" it- of course a healthy baby is the #1 priority and trumps everything else, but that doesn't mean its the ONLY important thing. Your wishes are not frivolous or silly. You deserve to feel safe, happy, and content with your birth experience. Ignore anyone who makes you feel otherwise.
That wasn't really any practical advice for getting past that feeling, I just wanted to give you some encouragement and tell you you're not alone
I don't know how to get past that feeling. I am still disappointed about my c-section, although it was not traumatic like yours.
I try to tell myself that my birth and my baby are two different things. Just because I am unhappy with the birth experience I had does NOT mean I am unhappy with the end result! There's no reason to feel guilt. What happened to you was scary, and it wasn't what you wanted. Wanting your next birth to be totally different is a normal response.
this
Blog a Log
I'm glad you ladies "get it" here! I've been told in the past that I'm going into this delivery wanting the same things as I did for my first. Hopefully I end up with a more positive experience......I'm hoping I am able to shake these feelings soon though. I don't like feeling like my first birth experience wasn't a good one, when the end result is hands down the best thing that's ever happened to me (i.e. I have a healthy and happy baby girl).
And to the poster who commented on the alternative to a VBAC being another birth that I'm not happy with so things are "even".....that is a great explanation of how I;m seeing things here. I don't want DD to feel like I didn't enjoy her birth (or view it in a negative light) as much as her younger sibling's (assuming I have a more pleasant experience this time around).....I'm already worrying about sibling rivalry and competitiveness here!
Thanks again for all the helpful advice and support!
I felt guilty for awhile, too - moreso because I was putting so much emphasis on the VBAC rather than enjoying the new pregnancy and was having a harder time bonding with the baby between the VBAC and having a toddler.
Honestly, I never felt like wanting a VBAC in any way negated my feelings for #1, though. I have never really associated my negative feelings over his birth really with him. I felt like an experience was taken away from me, that I didn't get the chance to bond with DS as soon as I could have had I had a vaginal birth, etc, etc. However, I don't feel like wanting something better for myself, my family and the new baby disrespected DS #1. In fact, the VBAC allowed me to be MUCH more of a mom to him after the birth - I was able to pick him up, cuddle him without having to worry about a scar, have more energy initially, etc. It was a great choice not only for me and the experience I wanted, but for my entire family, as they dealt with a woman who felt empowered, had no regrets, had more energy and a quicker recovery than if I'd have gone with a RCS. I truly believe it was what was best not only for me, but for both of my sons and our entire family.
Add on to that the fact that I don't think DS will ever see the VBAC as 'making up' for something that I didn't get with him. It was avoiding an unnecessary surgery. Why deal with that and those possible complications when you don't need to? It has nothing to do with how devoted or my feelings toward DS - he's my world, and I honestly don't associate the negative feelings of my c/s with him - there are too many other wonderful things that have gone into our relationship that far surpass that.
I was in grad school before I knew how my mother felt about any of her birthing experiences. I don't think most kids put a lot of thought into things like whether their mother tries for a VBAC or whether she enjoyed her birth. And really, look at all the portrayals of giving birth on TV, in movies, etc. I think it's more likely to raise eyebrows if you said you *did* "enjoy" giving birth to anyone. And how many moms joke about things like, "I went through X hours of labor for you and you can't even take out the trash for me?" lol I seriously can't imagine your DD getting upset about her birth, regardless of how any subsequent births go.
I agree with all of this. I never even thought about the fact that DS might feel "slighted" that I enjoyed the act of birthing his sister more. I can't imagine he'd even ask about it prior to being an adult and having children of his own, if at all. And just because I did not enjoy the CS had nothing to do with him. I was elated to finally have him in my arms (though it took three hours after the birth).