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Those with addicted SO/H's

PoundCakePoundCake member
in Single Parents

How did you get past the "what if's".  That's where I'm having problems.  I can't get to alanon too often, basically rarely.

I'm going through the grieving stage, but I find myself feeling guilty for taking a tough stance as far as ok I did this and now we are done unless it concerns the kids. (Which I said today.)

I think to myself "what if something happens" and the last thing was that we aren't going to speak anymore.  I left you alone.  I know he probably isn't having that problem.  I just feel like I'd be guilty if something happened to him and we were angry and things were unsettled.

 How did you recify those feelings?

Diagnosed with PCOS June 2004 Abby born 2/2007 and Ally 3/2009 imagehttp://Life In Sublurbia.blogspot.com
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Re: Those with addicted SO/H's

  • CPA04CPA04

    I don't know the answer to your question, but I struggle more with the "what if he suddenly gets things figured out now that I'm out of the picture" type thoughts.  Although I know his alcoholism isn't my fault, a tiny part of me still feels like if he gets his shiz together now, that a part of it is his new, fabulous life with homewrecker and not with me, that has made it happen.  And if he does start living the sober life, I'll be even more angry with him because of what we could have had that he threw away.

    Part of me feels like I need the closure of him getting into trouble again as validation that I'm not what makes his life miserable or unmanageable. 

    I think in time your feelings will fade and although you would be devastated if something happened to your children's father, it will be a different feeling for you than if something happened to your loving, devoted husband (of which he is not).  it's part of detaching from his situation that will bring you peace.

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  • achase123achase123
    You have to understand that it isn't YOUR problem.  You are doing what is best for YOU by setting healthy boundaries.  HE made the choice to put his addiction over your family.  I would suggest Al-Anon.
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  • Ruby44Ruby44
    I've been there. Many times. The best thing is to let him go. You are not and cannot be in control of him or be responsible for actions that are his and his only. Take care of yourself and your kids by going to Al-Anon or another 12-step group. Al-Anon has been an absolute miracle in my life.
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  • Crystal318Crystal318 member

    I am still in a relationship with my addict so I cant help you there but I did just want to say congrats for being so strong and ending the relationship. I wrote my FI a long letter today and plan on giving it to him tonight. I am telling him that if he does not find treatment with in the next two weeks (I had to put a time limit on it) he can no longer stay here. I figure if I put it on paper I am more likely to stick to it. I have had enough.

    Good Luck to you. Keep us posted.

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