Donor poll

fiazo · March 2011

If you really wanted another child & RE tells you that it's improbable but not impossible with your eggs, would you consider a donor? Do I gamble & try a cycle on my own, which will probably be around $15,000 if I make it all the way to transfer stage. Or do I go straight to a donor which gives me a 50% chance of conceiving if they are able to transfer 2 embryos. Cost supposedly about $20,000.

Would you use a donor?

What would your concerns be about using a donor?

Aside from health concerns that may arise years later, I also worry that I will always wonder if LO got certain traits & habits from the donor.

SFAug07 · March 2011

Wow, tough question!

We actually thought through it when we had issues getting pregnant with #2 and I am getting to the end of the line age wise. I would much rather adopt than have a donor egg as I wouldn't want a child that is genetically half DH's and half somebody else's. I would also feel really strange about carrying another person's genetic baby. For me, it would make the relationship between DH and I really unbalanced. DH would not consider one or the other (donor eggs or adoption), so if we hadn't become pregnant, it would have been just Sarah. Also, as you know from my vent below, I don't enjoy being pregnant at all, so wouldn't want to be pregnant with a child that wasn't genetically mine. But it's such a personal decision...

stever · March 2011

I agree with Kathi in that it is incredibly personal. I would also adopt before being pregnant with a child that was not genetically mine. That said, I would probably feel differently if I had never carried Mikey.

indianasunshine · March 2011

I am all for it. I don't think I would feel like the child was any less "mine". We have considered going the donor embryo route since I wonder if I would feel sad about the baby being biologically my husband's but not mine. I am not sure if I would, but since I have questioned it I think it's a valid option.

We will try with our frozen embie in a few months, but if that doesn't work out I don't think we will try another IVF with my eggs. Financially it isn't a gamble we can afford to make. I would want a donor who is as young as possible with similar background and features as me but, most importantly, a good health history in the family. I truly believe that a child becomes who you help them become, and genetics are just one piece of the puzzle.

Good luck with your decision. I will likely be in your shoes very soon.

Puckchick07 · March 2011

I'm with pp, adoption would come before donor eggs. It would keep the balance between myself and dh.

Strunella · March 2011

Before naturally conceiving DS, DH and I looked into several options: IUI, IVF and adoption. We do not have insurance coverage for infertility treatments nor a zillion dollars in savings, so cost was definitely a factor in our approach. I always thought that I wouldn't want to use donor eggs for the same reason pps mentioned: I would not be comfortable with the imbalance. Yet, I realized that if we needed to use donor sperm (via IUI which is way cheaper than IVF), I'd be all for it. Kind of a double standard!

The more we looked into adoption, the more aware I became of all the possible things to worry about concerning another woman's approach to the pregnancy. Would she be drinking? Using drugs? Eating a healthy diet? That started to freak me out a bit. (I should add we were looking at foreign adoption from a country with a high fetal alcohol rate). With donor eggs, at least you know you will do the right thing and maintain the healthiest pregnancy you can with the goal of having the healthiest baby.

So yes, I would consider donor eggs. And I'd still consider adoption too.

JillAly · March 2011

My friend was in exactly the same situation. She debated whether to use donor eggs or not. She had 4 m/c's using her own eggs in IVF so that was highly unlikely to work for her.

In the end, she used donor eggs and has a beautiful, healthy baby boy. The baby actually looks more like her than her DH. They chose a donor with a lot of similar traits and looks as my friend. They got her total health profile and spent a lot of time choosing a donor with whom she was comfortable (and had a good track record- she had 3 healthy boys of her own).

My friend was torn over whether she would feel the baby was hers (the baby's birth solved that- she took one look at him and knew that would never be a problem), what would happen if her dh ever tried to get custody if they split up (an attorney calmed her fears on that one), and how people would react if they found out (all positive). She tells everyone now she is so grateful she went that route.

Obviously, it's a personal decision but I thought you would want to hear a positive story.

ateytelb · March 2011

I think if I already had a child I wouldn't go for a donor to have another one. I would try to have it on my own and if it didn't happen then I would stay at one and done.

Peppernut · March 2011

I'd probably adopt, but only because I gave my first daughter up for adoption, so it'd be a sort of karmic thing.

edhid1 · March 2011

We are going with an egg donor this time. I had 2 IVFs and 2 miscarriages before conceiving my son with my own eggs. My RE told me not to try with my own eggs again because the chances were about 5%. We pondered adoption and after talking to an adoption attorney there were things I didn't like about the process and the fact we had to "market" ourselves. She also said because I have a biological child already, birth mothers would be less likely to choose us. The egg donor felt like we could choose the person and pick the traits that were closest to mine. I would be able to carry the baby, etc and regardless of genetics, I would be carrying that child for nine months and it would be mine.

It is a tough decision and I think both have it's pros and cons. You have to pick what is right for your family

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