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School-Aged Children
QTee
member
Kindergarten Drama
QTee
member
My daughter is in kindergarten. There is a little boy in the class that really likes her. He wants to do everything with her, play with her, hold her hand, talk to her all the time. The problem is he has become really possessive. He doesn't want her playing with other kids. Two months ago, she was playing with another little girl, and he pushed the other girl on the ground. His mom e-mailed me about 2 weeks ago, concerned that my daughter doesn't want to play with her son sometimes and worried that he was being excluded. From my perspective (and I volunteer in the classroom weekly), he is not intentionally being excluded, but when my daughter wants to play with kids other than him, he gets mad and stomps off (he is clearly being welcome to play with them). He is a really awkward kid and doesn't play with other kids in the class. I have seen his temper flare up multiple times. Usually he is really mellow but when he gets mad its kind of out of control.
Well, today, I guess he got mad again that my daughter was playing with another girl, and he came and pushed the other girl to the ground again. Except this time, my daughter and the other girl fought back and attacked him. My daughter is so mellow, I'm a bit surprised but I believe it. I think she was just completely fed up. And this little boy is tiny - probably 6" shorter and 10 pounds lighter than both of the girls. Of course - what do the teachers see, my daughter and her friend knocking this tiny kid to the ground. But her teacher is intune with the situation and told me that essentially she believes that the little boy instigated it, but that's not the point of course. Anyway, they had the kids apologize and I guess that was that.
My question - how do I get this resolved in the long run? I told my daughter if he instigates a fight again, she needs to go get a teacher immediately. But now she keeps saying to me, "maybe I should just play with *the boy* all the time so that he won't hurt my other friends". Obviously that's a poor solution, it's like he's bullying her into playing with him by pushing her friends. Obviously I'm going to have to talk to the teacher more and probably the boy's mom. Like I said, she had e-mailed me previously, but I didn't say much in my response. She was leaving for a trip for two weeks because her dad is really ill, so it's a hard time for the family. I didn't want to inflame the situation before she left. I just said something like "I'm sorry to hear he feels excluded, I will encourage my daughter to invite him to play with the group". But obviously there is a larger issue here.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate any suggestions.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Kindergarten Drama
I would just make sure the teacher is aware of what is going on, as well as any e-mails you get from the boy's mother. It does sound like he is bullying her into playing with him, and that's not good at any age. Talk to your daughter about bullying, and what to do if it happens (tell a teacher, tell him to stop, etc)
DS's school actually teaches them a class about bullying from kindergarten on up, and a lot of the kids really responded well to it. Now they know exactly what to do if they think someone is bullying.
Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestions... about the boys mom, it's a bit awkward because like I said she contacted me earlier. I have a feeling I'm going to be hearing from her again. We're actually somewhat friendly, the kids have had playdates together. He's very nice to my daughter when he's doesn't have to fight for her attention! But you're totally right, I have to be very careful about what I say because I don't want to inflame the situation. If she wants to talk to me about it, perhaps I'll suggest we meet with the teacher together to discuss potential solutions. That way I can let the teacher take the lead. My daughter actually enjoys the company of her son, so I have to tread carefully. I will continue to talk to my daughter and her teacher about making sure my daughter feels comfortable at school, that's my main concern. I have just been totally caught off gaurd by how early all of this starts. This kid definitely has some issues and for his sake too I hope they can get addressed effectively. I'm trying to remain level headed and calm about the situation but I want to see some progress too.
I wonder about the girl that's been pushed down by this kid twice now... you'd think her parents would be concerned too. I'm not sure what's going on from that angle.
I agree with the bolded.
I think if she e-mails you again you should gently suggest that you all discuss it with the teacher to see if there are ways you can help all the kids get along.
As far as the mother of the child who's been pushed twice, is she even AWARE that her child has been pushed down twice? She might not be. But I'd address that with the teacher as well, someone needs to look out for that little girl too.
Like -auntie- said earlier, learning to deal with this type of stuff is part of a kindergartner's job description, just as much as learning to raise your hand before answering, and learning to read the word-wall words.
I also have a child in kindergarten. Here's how I'd handle it with my child: Honey, Little Johnny is wrong to want to play with only you and to leave Mary out. That would hurt Mary's feelings, wouldn't it? But it would also be wrong for you and Mary to tell Johnny that he can't play with you. It can be hard to do this, but the right thing to do is to tell Johnny that it's best if everyone is included and no one is left out. If you say that to Johnny and he starts to get angry, you should get the teacher right away. A teacher will help Johnny to understand that including everyone is best, and she'll be there to make sure Johnny can't push or hurt anyone.
I think it was inappropriate for the boy's mom to email you about this in the first place. It's always best if you coach your child on how to handle the situation, and avoid trying to solve your child's problem by contacting the parents. In a way, the mom is also bullying YOU into making your daughter play with her son. Try not to let the awkwardness created by the other mom change how you'd deal with this.