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Lucky_N_Love
member
Feel Guilty I want to SAH...(sort of long)
Lucky_N_Love
member
I get this feeling every now and again (maybe other working moms do to) where I just really want to quit my job and stay at home with DD. I think it stems from feeling overwhelmed with having three jobs (my FT job, a wife, and a mommy)
I yelled at DH today because I was so tired and DD was so whiney and wanted to nurse every 5 minutes and hubby was lying on the couch. I said ?get up I am tired and want to take a nap and that isn?t going to be able to happen and staring at you on the couch isn?t helping me feel less tired.? Then I said ?can I just quit my job so maybe I could get everything I need to get done finished!??. Grr?so needless to say he was quite for the rest of the night.
I feel guilty for wanting to say home. Maybe he would like to be able to stay home ha ha probably not. Those of you that are able to make it work so you can stay home and care for you house and family do you ever feel guilty or is it just an understanding that you have with your husband? I just really question myself if I am able to prove to DH that we could make it work financially without seeming like I am contributing less to our family. I hope these feelings make sense without making anyone upset because obviously that isn?t my intent. Any advice or words of wisdom for me?
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Re: Feel Guilty I want to SAH...(sort of long)
DIdn't realize how long this would be:
I was thrown into being a SAHM. I am still having trouble adjusting. I've worked since I was 16. Last year I had preterm labor, and after giving birth we found out the next week we were moving up here. Add in they told us that my DD had a genetic disorder that would have made daycare an almost instant hospital visit monthly- it didn't make sense for me to go back to work.
So we planned on getting to Cincy and me going back in January. We really miss the money I made, and I really miss interacting with adults and feeling like I contribute to the household. I realize what I am doing is contributing, but there is no paycheck.
After finding out we were pregnant again we realized, 2 infants in daycare would eat up 80% of my check. And no one wants to hire a pregnant chick, either.
It's tough either way, I think. I loved working. I felt a sense of pride in bringing home a good paycheck and in doing something during the day that contributed to something.
Now, I wake up, play with DD, feed DD, do laundry, clean the kitchen. Then put DD down for a nap, fold laundry, clean living room and bedroom and sometimes bathroom. Our apartment is immaculate all the time now! Because I AM BORED AS HELL. DD wakes up, we play, eat and hang out. A bit later DD naps again and I will usually nap then too (hey, I am pregnant!) and wake up before she does to get stuff ready for dinner. DH gets home and gets to play with DD and I fix dinner. I mean- I feel like a freaking 50's housewife. This is not what we had planned on or I had wanted...
I am sure I would miss DD if I was working. But I also think I would have more confidence and feel like I was worth something more too.... does that make sense?
As for the finances part sucks. We are actually running at a slight deficit monthly right now because our house in Louisville hasn't sold. We got a huge tax return and also had saved a lot before I went out on maternity. So we are okay til next year at least. If we didn't have medical bills we would be really good.
But DH needs a new car and that means tightening down further. We do save in some ways- I don't need "work" clothes, I don't eat out for lunch or drive hardly at all (less gas!)... but overall it's still a tough trade off.
Good luck whatever you decide.
After I had DS I went back to work full time. When he was about 9mths old I really began to hate going to work, I really missed DS and felt bad for leaving him all the time. So DH and I discussed me working part time. This has worked out well so far, I only worked 2 days a week. I say worked because I am prego again and my line or does not go well with prego women. So I am now a SAHM at least till about 8 weeks after the baby is born.
I understand your thoughts on trying to make it work financially. Honestly I think you would be surprised at how much money it doesnt take to stay home, if that makes sense. For example, no child care expenses, less gas expenses, no really eating out expenses, and for me I have become a couponaholic. I do not by anything with a coupon anymore. Today I went grocery shopping and saved $30 alone with coupons! Yes we do have less money, but we make it work and you will find more and more ways to save money. Like DH doesnt go to Starbucks anymore and I dont go to Panera Bread, well lets just say as often.LOL Anyways, It is unreal to me to look back and see how much money we actually waisted, by not using coupons, not combining trips, by eating out all the time, and by buying stuff at the store we just wanted not actually needed. I guess my point here is, when discussing SAH with your DH you can have these money saving ideas to discuss with him, maybe that will help!
ETA: I didnt realize how long mine got, sorry!
((Hugs)) honey, I am sorry you are feeling confused and guilty. I guess I will chime is as a full time SAHM.
Do I feel guilty staying home. Nope. This is something that we discussed WAY back when we first started dating. He knew from the very begining that I would want to stay home until at least the kids were in school full time.
Unless your husband makes enough to not have to worry about the financial aspect of it it will be an adjustment. We make sacrafices. My kids aren't in a ton of classes, we buy most of their clothes second hand and we don't got out to eat. But for me, the trade off it worth it. But my DH was/is totally on board with living this frugal lifestyle. If he wasn't on board, or even resentful, with the lifestyle change I think it would make it really hard for me.
But I don't feel like some housewife where my only duty is to keep my husband happy and my house clean. I am a SAHM, so my kids and their needs come before the house and cleaning. My kids don't nap so there isn't ANY downtime for me. I would venture to say that I work as hard as a mom who works outside of the house. And I do this because I love it. My days are filled to the brim every single day from 5 am until 8 pm.
It has never crossed my mind that I am not pulling my weight around here. I might not be brining home a paycheck, but I am working hard all day long with OUR children. Guilt isn't something I feel when I think about my decision to be a SAHM.
Maybe you can try to live off of 1 paycheck for a bit. Put 1 paycheck into savings for a period of time and see if it is possible for you to live with the lesser income.
Good luck ((HUGS))
Before DH and I had kids, I knew I wanted to be a SAHM, and that's what my DH wanted as well. We knew that as long as we could swing it financially, then we would make it work. So, for us, it's what we decided together, and I think that helps me not feel guilty. I also had my first child at 24 years old, and I never established a career of any kind. I was only a few years out of college and worked for a year at a marketing research company downtown.
That being said, I love staying at home with my children. Some days are better than others, but I think that's true for anyone. Sorry to cut it short, but 2 of the kids just woke up!
I don't think I've ever felt guilty about SAH. DH and I both consider what me SAH as what is best for our family. I agree with everything that Shawnsweetie wrote. It is extremely important that your partner be on board and supportive of your choices (I've had friends whose partners weren't and it made things really hard on both of them).
We also make financial sacrifices, but I rationalize it with the knowledge that we will have the rest of our lives to try and make more money, but our children are only young once.
I think what you are describing might be 2 separate issues: wanting to stay home and feeling like your DH is not doing his share of the household duties.
I work part-time, and when I am home with DD, I feel like it's a lot more work than working. I love our time together, but at the end of the day, I am much more tired than days when I am in the office.
I don't feel guilty about working - it makes me happy and that makes me a better parent. I also work in a job that has allowed me to cut back my schedule and is very family friendly in other ways, so I have worked out a great work-life balance. However, if SAH would work for you and your family, then you should pursue it.
I think it is like teacherjess said, it's a very personal decision for a family. I applaud SAHMs. There is no way I could do it. I SAH 1 day a week, and I get antsy wanting to get out of the house. I love the time I have with DD, but I also love my job, feeling like I have a separate identity beyond "mom" and "wife".
I know though that DH would be totally supportive of me SAH if we could afford for me to and we'd both love having a clean house, right now what gets done gets done, but we constantly have laundry and dishes and I can't remember the last time I dusted. I've just accepted that I may not get everything done at home (and I need to work on lighting a fire under DH to help more).
If you can swing it and it's something you and your DH decide is what you want, then I say go for it. You both contribute to the running of the house in your own ways, whether it be through money or childcare and chores. Everyone plays a part in keeping things running.
All of this, especially the bolded.
This is exactly how I feel. I desperately want to SAH sometimes, but then others I am so happy to drop him off at daycare for a little time with adults. However to me our current life and what I can afford to give my children is more important than SAH and I think a lot of that has to do with coming from a family that had to have financial support to get by. I never want to feel like Eli or Addy can't do something that is basic (i.e. buy school supplies) because mommy and daddy can't afford it and that was how I grew up. KWIM?
ETA: I should clarify that I am not saying SAH families do have to make the sacrafices my parents did. Both my parents worked, but that family life style that I was apart of just makes me neurotic about finances. Just don't want someone to take that wrong!!
Elijah Matthew - 5/3/07 ~ Adalyn Rosemary - 3/23/11
*Photos by Kacy Cierley*
Every.single.word of THIS.
I'm going through the same feelings right now, but my experience is a little different.
When DH and I met/dated/got married, there was never a discussion of whether or not I'd stay home. It was always assumed by both of us that I would work.
Now that I'm back at work, I want desperately to be home with Nora. I dread Sunday nights and I lay in bed wishing I could be with her instead of going to work in the morning. Although I enjoy my job and it's very rewarding, there isn't anything in the world I wouldn't give to be home with her. I do have great benefits, and my schedule is flexible (I rarely stay at work until 5 pm), but I still want so badly to be a SAHM. All of the stress I feel is work-related. My evenings are a rushed blur because I try to fit in every second I can with Nora before she goes to bed, and then I'm running around doing pumping dishes, laundry, and packing up for the next day.
MY DH doesn't do his share of the household chores, and while I'm working, that is bothering me some but I've let it go because it's not the messy house that's stressing me out - it's just the guilt of missing the time with my baby while she grows up.
I can always go back and practice law later in life, but my kid(s) are only going to be this little once. And although we might have to pinch pennies in the mean time, we've already done a good job saving for retirement, so a few years off won't kill us in the long run.
We are trying very hard right now to figure out a way for me to be a SAHM. I am willing to cut coupons, shop second-hand, etc to make it work. DH is on board with me and soon enough he will probably be looking for a new job so that we can make it financially while I SAH.
I was able to experience both sides of this before I became a single mom. This is what I learned:
They both have moments that really suck.
They both have moments that are wonderful.
They are both equally as hard and demanding.
SAH is a job! A very draining 24/7 job that you don't get to just walk away from at the end of the day. I'm not saying this to deter you but to convince you that there is absolutely no reason to feel like you would be contributing less to your family. If anything, you'd be sacrificing a huge part of yourself.
Here's another little secret, staying home does not = more time to clean the house. Staying home means you're just there many more hours in the day to dirty it up. More dirty dishes, more time for you DD to make a mess, etc. This was something I was totally unprepared for.
I guess my point is, to think a little harder and figure out if the real issue stems from how you're splitting up household duties or your true desire to SAH.
Yes! I wish I could find it, but I read a great article a couple months ago and promptly forgot to bookmark it. It basically said that it's a modern notion that SAHMs should be able to take care of the kids and the house and the cooking. It used to be much more common for multiple generations to live together, so there were more women around to help with everything. There were also lots of mothers with hired or enslaved help. (Clearly I believe enslaved help was horrible, but I don't want anyone to misinterpret what I'm saying!) It's really only been since World War II that the American SAHM has been expected to do it all.
This is the only article where I've read this, but I always think of it when I just can't get it all done.
And I think I've officially taken this post off-topic.
I want to thank everyone SO much for all of these responses. Please keep them coming I know there are more ladies out there whose opinions I value. I think you're absolutly right there are many issues at hand here or why I am feeling the way I do.
I know that being a SAHM definitly isn't a walk in the park I am exhausted on the weekend after being with DD, but I feel that maybe I would be getting more satisfaction from this job that working outside of the home.
So many things to think about and I appreciate all of the input so far
Thanks
All of this. I love SAH, and don't plan on giving it up until any of my kids are in school full time unless something changes to make it necessary. But it's hard.
I also find it difficult some days because I think H doesn't always realize "staying home does not = more time to clean the house. Staying home means you're just there many more hours in the day to dirty it up." I get stressed because I feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to clean the house like I feel like I should be able to - but I know it would be a lot worse if I was working outside of the home.
We're working on getting a good balance going, but I definitely don't feel guilty for not working outside the home. Good luck with your decision!
Welcome to the world Finley Michael - born 2/13/2010
Baby Sister is coming soon!
SAH is hard. Mine was not what we had planned but it just didn't work out the way we thought it would. Some days, all I do is feel guilty bc I sit here and read how everyone has their kids at this playdate and that museum or park every day with booked full schedules. That is not us. A lot of our time is spent playing or watching tv in our jammies. I feel guilty if I sit around on the computer and "watch" her as opposed to constantly engaging her or if I go off and clean while she plays independently. I feel guilty for not making more money, etc. It really is a double edged sword on both ends. It really comes down to what works best for you and your family.