How would you handle this situation with MIL?

Yellow_Daisy · March 2011

So I was dropping something off at my ILs house last week, DH wasn't there, and my MIL busts out with next time you come over I am going to get out my stethoscope (MIL is a retired nurse, FIL is a retired doctor) so we can hear the baby. I kind of laughed and changed the subject, my brother (who was with me) looked horrified.

I really don't like people touching me and feel very self conscious about my body right now. I was overweight before getting PG so I don't have a cute bump like some people and don't really want to bare my tummy for my ILs. Max is pretty low so I really have to bare my tummy to find him with the home doppler. I don't want to hurt MIL's feelings, but I also don't want to feel embarrassed and kind of humiliated about my weight (which I would) by having her sticking a stethoscope all over my belly trying to find Max.

If you were in my position would you just say no it makes me uncomfortable? I am not super comfortable with DH's family to begin with and MIL and I don't have a close relationship at all. I would be fine to compromise with letting them feel him kick when you can feel it from the outside (even though it creeps me out to have people touch me), but the stethoscope seems so invasive. Am I crazy?

ETA: I know she is just excited so I don't want to hurt her feelings which is why I am asking.

amamommy · March 2011

That is so ODD! Maybe she was joking. Let's hope! If she really tries to get you to let her do make your DH stand up for you and tell her that you're not interested. There's no reason for your IL's to hear the baby's HB... and if you're nice enough to allow them to feel the kicks at some point, awesome! People sometimes forget that when you're pregnant you are still a person with PERSONAL SPACE. I'm only 13 weeks and my aunt and uncle were patting my belly this weekend. REALLY!? I'm plus sized and have a belly regardless...but it's not an open invitation!

Hopefully you won't have to confront her...but if your DH was so appalled, then he should say something. If he doesn't, you should! Just say you're super ticklish and don't really wanna do that. THANKS!

GL!

Temp616379875002458 · March 2011

My MIL is a nurse/nursing professor...and I too, am a wee bit overweight so I look poochy and am not comfortable with anyone touching me except DH and the staff at OB's office.

I haven't been threatened with a stethoscope but my MIL likes to offer a lot of health-related advice... we don't get along very well and are not close, either.

I have decided that the next time she offers advice in person, I will say that I am so grateful for her input, but I want her to be this baby's grandmother and not his/her nurse.

I think you tell your MIL that you're very body conscious - she will understand, I bet? Maybe get a copy of your most recent u/s photos/video for them as a good switch?

brody8336 · March 2011

I think you are totally fine to say it makes you uncomfortable. People seem to lose all sense of boundaries around pregnant people. I personally don't mind if people touch me (I come from a touchy feely family) but even I wouldn't want someone to use a stethescope on my bare belly. I almost wonder if she was kidding. Hang in there! Hopefully it doesn't come up again, but I would be prepared with a polite response for next time.

Yellow_Daisy · March 2011

Thanks ladies. Knowing my MIL she was not kidding, unfortunately. She has boundary issues and tends to be terribly inappropriate. My DH dotes on her and doesn't like her to get upset, he's terribly sweet, but it does cause problems between him and I. Since I tend to handle things without moping/getting upset it is usually DH and I who have to make concessions so as not to hurt her feelings.

PurplePanda83 · March 2011

I think if it comes up the next time you go over there I would just say something along the lines of not really wanting to bare your belly, but if you feel movement you'll gladly let them try to feel that. That way you are behin honest but also showing that you aren't trying to keep her from interacting on some level with the baby. GL!

JenCW · March 2011

My MIL is a nurse, and we don't have a great relationship, either. Fortunately, she lives on the other side of the country so I haven't had to deal with this kind of situation, but this is totally something she would do.

I'm not overweight, and I would still NEVER let this happen. Nobody would ever suggest something like this if you weren't pg. Let it go for now, but if she brings it up again, I think it's absolutely appropriate to simply say you'd prefer not to have her listen to your belly because it makes you uncomfortable. I think the benefit of the doubt in whether or not it will hurt her feelings goes to you. You are the pregnant one.

Or, of course, you could be a smart aleck and tell her she can listen to your belly if you can listen to hers too. That might be an interesting test.

Hels · March 2011

I would just have DH mention to your mom that you are really uncomfortable with people touching you. Your DH can say something like how "sensitive you are to it lately" and tell his mom to not bring it up with you. She might think you are crazy, that that will avoid you having to say something awkward to her or her grabbing at your bump.

katerena · March 2011

I would be as open as possible with her, otherwise you run the risk of looking like you are shunning her help, when really it's that you feel uncomfortable.

Next time she brings it up, I would just laugh it off like "oh gosh, I thought you were joking about that!! I don't even feel like exposing my stomach to DH right now!! Haha" Something like that, and then quickly change the subject. Hopefully she gets the point!!!!

Sorry though, I have some "inapporpriate with boundaries" relatives so I know the type!!

Swede25 · March 2011

My MIL keeps asking me for belly pics and I just tell her that I took them for DH and myself, and our baby scrapbook and that I don't feel comfortable sending pictures like that out to people. She said she wouldn't show anyone, just FIL, but I still said no and mentioned I haven't sent them to my own family either. Once she heard it wasn't just them she dropped the issue. Maybe you can offer to record on video when you use the doppler and just show the part with the heartbeat only and not it actually on your stomach?

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