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Single Parents
Baby Daddy drama and all that jazz
As many of you know, I am having a baby with someone I no longer date and whom I only dated briefly before a contraceptive mishap. He's 27, I'm 41. I know that this explains a lot about his feelings toward our future daughter versus mine, but now that I'm past the half-way mark in this pregnancy, I've put him on notice that I need more from him.
The last time we spoke, two weeks ago, I learned he had yet to tell anyone, including his family, about our baby. I realize some people don't feel this is important, but I feel it would go a long way towards helping him accept that this baby is real and she is definitely going to be here this summer. I also feel that I have a ton of emotional support for what I'm doing and that he could use a little himself. If you don't tell people what's going on in your life, they don't know, right?
Before the last conversation, we had a bit of a tiff. I got mad because he was just being so standoffish about the whole thing. He almost acted as if I'd knocked myself up the way he talked. It was always "your baby" not "our baby." I took offense and wrote him an e-mail explaining my hurt. I also let him know that since my parents are both passed away, it would mean a lot for our daughter to have at least one set of grandparents. His are the only ones left. I begged him to talk to them. Then I learned he was still dragging his feet.
I finally took things into my own hands. I found his mother's address and sent her a letter. She should have gotten it last week. I was straight forward about the whole thing and pretty much left things in her court. I said, "I welcome your involvement, if you wish any, with my daughter." I let her know I would not be forcing my baby on her ever. I just wanted to give her the option of knowing her own flesh and blood. I thought it was fair.
I texted BD since he doesn't answer his phone anymore and let him know. He wrote back, "That's not going to make it any easier for me" because I told his mother. I still don't know for sure if she got the letter or not. I am sure she is processing things. She may have decided she wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I am not going to do anything else. I am leaving the ball in her court.
I guess I am questioning my judgment here. Only one of my friends disagreed with me about writing the letter. Everyone else said that she should know. I wish BD had told her, but I really think he wouldn't have told her anything. He has a strained relationship with his mom and paints her out to be a crazy person. All I know is that she is a school nurse for a local county and her team one the top school nurse prize for a few years in a row. She can't be too horrible if this is the case. I could be wrong.
Thoughts? Opinions?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Baby Daddy drama and all that jazz
I think you were very much in the wrong. His family = his call. You are just making yourself seem like a crazed person and driving him further and further away from you. You need to get used to whatever support level he is willing to give. It sounds like he is being clear about his intentions and you aren't pleased with them. You can't make a man act like a father if he chooses not to, but he might after the baby is born if he doesn't completely hate you by then. It sounds like he is being clear about his current intentions and you aren't pleased with them.
Take a few steps back. Communicate with him less. Let him know after the baby comes and file for child support. Give the baby your last name and start getting used to the idea that you will probably be doing this on your own.
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That's tough, I have always been one to try and be direct in the same way. And it sounds like you have tried to give him ample time and lots of valid points. Here's the thing I'm having to learn myself these days; sometimes you can be completely right, have all the logical and valid points but if you're dealing with people who either aren't receptive to it or are just down right crazy you're only going to frusterate youself.
At this point I'd say what's done is done so now leave it alone. If she contacts you take it from there other wise let him handle his family from here on out. And while it's wonderful that you are putting your DD first and thinking about her having a relationship with her grandparents don't worry if it doesn't happen. If they aren't in your life it sounds like you will be just fine. Either way good luck. And I don't know your BD from Adam to be able to say about the crazy comment, but in my experiance (because I pushed STBXH to have a realtionship with his mom way back when...) when they say "my mom is crazy", it can mean a whole lovely mess later. GL!
I disagree with sending the letter but as people have previously said "what's done is done".
You say you need more from him? That may very well be. However, as I am sure you have gathered from lurking here awhile, many of us are in a similar boat.
I think what you are saying is you "want" more from him. Join the club.
I want to get CS from XH. The reality is that I don't. And he doesn't have a legitimate job so there is no way to garnish wages.
I want P to have a decent father figure in his life. Reality is that XH is addicted to drugs and hasn't seen him since June.
I want XH's family to stop enabling him and believing his lies and have a relationship with P. Reality is that they continue to blame me for his mistakes.
You have to accept the fact that what you want and what you receive are two different things. It's a process, and it takes awhile to get there. However, just try to get your arms around everything and focus on your unborn child. My advice would be to expect nothing from him, that way you won't face disappointment and resentment when he doesn't come through.
You can't change the fact that you've already sent the letter, but I still think you were in the wrong. I think you really need to step back from this guy and realize that you can't force him to be involved or force him to involve other people in your baby's life. It's his choice if he wants to tell his family and you need to accept that. Also, you need to accept the fact that this guy may have no involvement in your baby's life (outside of a financial obligation when you file for CS). Again, that will be his choice and the more you try to force him, the more you will come off as the crazy BM. Also, put yourself in this guys shoes, you guys weren't even committed, so really he doesn't know for sure that the baby is his. He may be holding off on telling his family until after the paternity test is confirmed. I'm not saying any of that to offend you and I'm not implying anything about you, but right now this guy has no way of knowing for sure that the baby is his.
Like other posters have said, prepare yourself now to take care of this baby alone and then if the guy does step up view it as him exceeding your expectations. Good luck!
I agree with most of what PP's have said that it wasn't the best idea to send the letter (at least right now like everyone said). That being said, I am in a similar situation and am also having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my DB never told anyone and his parents have no idea they have a grandchild and that makes me want to write them a letter kind of like you did in case they want anything to do with him, so I can sympathize with your position.
I think the others are right that you need to step back and put the ball in his court like you wanted to do with his mother. If he wants to be a parent, then he will tell you. You can't force him and you will only drive yourself crazy trying to control him.
You referred to the child in the letter as "my daughter". No two ways about it, you now look crazy to his family. Remember, he is family, you are the woman who is claiming to be carrying his child. Every time there is an issue between you two (over CS or visitation), they will think back to your letter and think of you as "that crazy biotch". Their sympathies will ALWAYS be with him.
He wants nothing to do with the child. You may get child support from him (although I would expect that he will contest paternity) but it is highly unlikely that he will ever want anything to do with the child. You can make him pay you child support but you cannot legally compel him to be a father to the child. Let that expectation go because you will mess up your daughter's head about men if you fixate on making him be a father he doesn't want to be.