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Blended Families
Jmollo28
member
Is it acceptable?
Jmollo28
member
Ok, when I ask this question - do not by any means think that I have done this!
I have a (soon to be) step daughter who is completely out of control - she throws tantrums, screams, calls us names, hits etc! Everything i read says it is best to walk away or ignore tantrums so the child knows that they can't throw a fit to get their way.
My SD is 8 years old - will be 9 this year. Her father has full custody, the mother has abandoned her and is not in the picture at all - hasn't been in the picture since SD was 5 years old. We have had SD in therapy and she has been diagnosed with ADHD which then changed to adjustment disorder which then changed to Defiance disorder - pretty much I don't believe her therapist knows how to diagnose her.
In the rage of a fit, SD hits, kicks, screams and is really a danger to both us and to herself and our animals in the house (we have 2 small dogs) - we put the dogs in other rooms and we try and make SD sit on the couch, or contain her in a room so that she can't run out the front door or really hurt herself in the house.
Is it at all acceptable to lock a child in their bedroom? I'm not saying throw them in there and lock them away and throw away the key .. ok, so don't take it that way! I just would like for SD to be able to take a minute to calm down and for us to calm down so that neither of us are fighting and she isn't hitting. also, her room is large with a window and is full of toys - I don't want the locked away in a room to be viewed as a punishment - but more of a "time out" because SD will absolutely not respond to time outs -- she runs and jumps and like I said - hits!
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Re: Is it acceptable?
I have 2 thoughts about this 1. put her in room for a set timer amount of time and then bring her out again and try and start over. or 2. Could you or her father...(preferably her father but I'm sure he's not always right there dealing w/ the meltdown) basically bear hug her from behind and hold her till she settles down enough to talk out her feelings.
Maybe she's acting out to see if he will leave her too and she needs the physical connection and reassurance he will be there always.
I'm not a therapist and I don't pretend to diagnose. It's a suggestion to try.
I think talking to her is the best way to help her. Talk her through what she's feeling and validate why she's feeling this way. She likely feels like she has no control over anything - her mom leaving, her dad spanking her, your involvement. She needs to know that you care about her feelings and will be responsive to them. I'm not saying you need to turn the world upside down for this girl, but at least give her the chance to explain what she's feeling and that it's okay to be mad about her mom being gone and for her to express that she doesn't like how things are going at home.
That she can behave normally at school and not in your home seems like she really has some issues with what is going on in your home. Again, I'm not saying things need to change (apart from the spanking) but that she obviously is like a powder keg and needs to release some of her aggression and hopefully you can achieve that by listening to her. Perhaps there are some small things you could give her some control over that would help her to feel more in control of her life and not so lost.
I did the bear hug once - and OMG - she flipped out. Actually, that is why we put her in therapy -- because she was "bf'ing as we call it.. its a b*tch fit " LOl -- but I bear hugged her and all of the sudden she broke into massive tears and started yelling for her mom.. so we kind of flipped thinking oh my goodness she has all of this aggression and abandonment problems. So, the bear hug is a great suggestion, but it seems to upset her more.
As for the talking.. I would love to sit down and talk to her, but I can't get her calm enough to even listen.. thats where I struggle and so does her dad! We try our best to remain calm ourselves.. because i know if we get upset.. she is going to feed off of it -- so we attempt the "can you please sit down and take a few minutes so that we can talk about it in words and not actions" and no joke, its like she flips a switch and becomes a 3 year old.. it is almost creepy! I told her therapist and she says its just for attention - but I dont know, it really scares me! Also, when she is being punished - like say time out or chores or what not - she laughs really loud and scary too. I dont know, see I'm a new step parent and I came in when SD was only 7 and I really dont know anything about having children and what is normal and what is not!
What is normal behavior for an 8 year old?
None of this is normal. I would get a new therapist and some of what you are describing sounds like Asperger's Syndrome. But then again that shares symptoms with ADHD.
Also you have all these other factors. Abandonment, depression symptoms, changes with you becoming a permenant fixture in her and her father's life, where she had him all to herself before.
Boils down to this child is using all of her power to cry for help b/c she is in pain and can't fix it or express it.
New therapist.
There are so many things at play here, and similar to two other posts we have had in the last few days (sd's abandoned by their mothers, and acting out) she needs therapy, and if the therapist she currently has isn't working, it might be time to find a new one. She might need serious psychiatric help as well. Good luck.
She likely does need a psychiatrist. Maybe not that one, but it's a big possibility. I would look for one where you feel comfortable.
Agree with all the reponses that future SD needs help. Maybe a therapist that works espeicially with abondment issues would help. I work with children in foster care and many of them have abandonment issues and I've seen many helped by therapists who have special knowledge in this area.
We have this lock type thingy on DD's door. It allows her to open the door a few inches but not all the way. I've never used it as a timeout thing, but as a safety thing for in the middle of the night. I don't think it is "wrong" to safely keep a child in their room to calm down but based on what you are describing, I wonder if it would help SD to calm down or further upset her.
How about talking to her when she's not throwing a fit? Can you do that? Does she open up when she's not in the midst of a tantrum?
From what I know from handling ASD tantrums, you do not directly talk to her or force eye contact when she's "on fire". That only aggrevates it more. Physically restraining, a "bear hug", as someone suggested is a bad idea, too. It aggravates the already over-stimulated mind even more when they can't move and go through their melt down.
Sometimes a soothing humming sound, or calmly and quietely saying "it's ok, you'll be ok", without requesting eye contact or even directly looking at her while saying that...may help. Sometimes, you just need to stay quiet and let it blow over. Learn from what set her off that particular time and address that in the future, when she's CALM.
Start charting: Was she tired/overstimulated? Was a tag on her shirt bothering her? Was she hungry? Did something scare her?...what makes her go overboard? On a scale 1-10, how big of a meltdown was it, how long did it last...when XYZ happened? What helped her settle down this time? What did she say afterwards when we were discussing this event later? Did we agree on a strategy for next time, so this particular situation doesn't happen again?
This is likely not a "bratty tantrum", it's brain-out-of-control tantrum...and you have to look at it that way. She doesn't have control in that moment and so you can't demand it. There definitely are behavioral plans that any experienced therapist can put together for you, based on an evaluation of that particular child. There really is no cookie cutter advice. They need to evaluate her and realize what makes her tick and then they will custom-prepare a behavioral plan that you guys will have to follow to a T. This is very important - keep being consistant. That is really the only way. You, your therapist, her dr and all specialists must be a team and work together.
She probably needs an eval from a developmental pediatrician, in case you haven't seen one yet. If you had a bad experience with this particular child psychiatrist, you should start with a developmental pedi and ask for recommendations for an experienced psych that deals with these disorders in children.
The diagonosis is not always the most important thing...if you really look at it, all the ones you listed have A LOT in common in terms of symptoms and at this age kids are still developing, so dx can morph and develop into other things. The most important thing at this point is to effectively treat the SYMPTOMS and not necessarily have a LABEL to put on her, kwim? Dx's may change over time.
If your therapist is not answering these questions for you, it's time for a change of a therapist as well.
I ocassionally lurk on this board because I have a friend dealing with blending her family. I have never posted because I don't feel like I have any business offering opinions on what you ladies are going through. Until this post.
If your stepchild truly has oppositional defiance disorder, then I suspect nobody on this board is qualified to offer advice. ODD is NOT a behavior problem, it is a mental illness. And a very serious one that is disruptive and dangerous to the whole family. Your SC's rages are beyond her control and if you need to put a lock on her door to keep her safe, then that's what you need to do. And as far as giving her a bear hug or talking to her so she feels secure, well, that in all liklihood will just exacerbate the situation. Furthermore, you may need to "baby proof" the room you lock her in so that she cannot harm herself. That may even include removing furniture, hangers, lamps, etc.
My mom was a teacher for 28 years in a center based program (one of the largest in the US) for students who were mostly on the autism spectrum. Ocassionally, she would get students who were actually schizophrenic or psychotic and in 28 years, she had 4 students who had oppositional defiance disorder. These kids did not have temper tantrums. They had rages. Rages to the point that they were throwing chairs through windows and then trying to jump through the window (2nd story). When this happened, the response team always moved the child into a "safe room" that was pretty much empty except for some mattresses on the floor. They were locked in and allowed to rage until they collapsed from exhaustion. And that could be hours later--these are not run of the mill tantrums. Mid-rage is not the time to attempt to talk through it. Safety is your only concern at this point.
If your SD's "tantrums" are not as bad as I describe, chances are, your are right, you are working with someone who is improperly diagnosing her. If it is how I describe, then you need to find a doctor you trust and can work with and stop asking for advice from laymen. Very few people who have not seen ODD firsthand can truly inderstand what you mean by "tantrum."
I hope you find someone who can help you and best of luck to you. Do what you need to do to keep your family safe.
ETA: I came back to add that your SD probably does have some issues surrounding her mother's absence but don't look at solving that as a way of solving the greater problem. While you absolutely do need to address this, I would bet your SD was raging long before her mother left her. The mother probably couldn't cope with a child like this and therefore bailed.
I would also like to agree with the poster who said you need to think twice and then think again about marrying this man. As much as you love him, his daughter's mental illness will dominate your family dynamic. Any biological children you have together will always come second to this daughter's needs. There is an incredibly high divorce rate among parents of children with this type of special needs. Add to it that you are not her biological mother and also a second wife and the odds are really not in your favor. As harsh as this sounds, if it were me, I would probably not marry this man. The ONLY way I would consider it is if I went into it with the understanding that I would not bring more children into the marriage. You are not just choosing a husband. You are choosing a father for your future children and in this case, you are also choosing the sibling of your future children.
Just so you know, siblings of children with oppositional defiance disorder have a whole host of issues themselves. They often go in one of two directions, they either feel they have to be perfect to make up for the "damaged" sibling or they lash out in attempt to get equal attention. They have a high rate of drug use and suicide. They are often loners because they feel they can't bring friends home because they never know if it is going to be a good day at home or not. There will be a LOT of fighting and tension in your household. In most cases, where the family is still in tact, there are already siblings in the picture due to typical family spacing before the child with ODD is diagnosed. You have the advantage of knowing about the diagnosis prior to having any more children. If you are determined to do this, sit down with a therapist who actually has experience with ODD families so you can at least have a good understanding of what you are in store for.