Have more children ???

JakesBride07 · March 2011

I know we are still a long way off from really having this conversation (as in DH said talk to him about his feelings on the topic once the twins are home and maybe even much later after they are home.)

But I just wonder those of you who had another baby after your preemie...how long did you wait? Was it planned or unplanned? And while I know you wouldn't trade your lo's for the world, would you have waited longer OR tried sooner?

I don't want to get pregnant while the twins are in the NICU (espeically if my second pregnancy is anything as miserable as it was with the twins...I have a love hate relationship for pregnancy.) But I know that SOME women are most fertile right after giving birth (and I secretly would love to get pregnant naturally after doing IVF). Which is why I tried to approach the topic with DH. After we got married

I myself am very torn about the whole thing. (Which I am taking as a sign to wait) but I am curious as to how you ladies handled it.

kaylaaimee · March 2011

Personally - no way. My pregnancy was complicated and horrible but I'd go through that part again. But I could never knowingly do this again. This is just my own personal feeling and I do not feel this way about what other people decide btw. But my dr. said the chances of this happening again were incredibly high. That even with a cerclage and bedrest for the entire pregnancy I would deliver before 30 weeks. After everything Scarlette has had to endure, I could not knowingly put another one of my children through it.

I am okay with this because we were told we couldn't have kids at all, we are thrilled to have her and okay with her being an only. It is slightly sadder because now that I have her, I love her so much and I think I would love to have more kids. But I don't think I could ever make that choice. I know many people do, but I don't thing I am strong enough.

kaylaaimee · March 2011

I just realized you wanted advice from people who have had more kids. Oops

I cant figure out how to edit, sorry!

JakesBride07 · March 2011

No no no...don't be sorry. I actually shouldn't have just asked for advice from those who have more children.

I think everything you are saying is valid and honestly I told my OB exactly what you just wrote after we delivered...he chuckled and said "Right, not now I am sure. But give it five years."

luvdv8 · March 2011

Well, here I am again, cautiously hoping to make it to DD's delivery date and beyond, so I guess I'm one of those people who was determined not to let one bad experience turn me completely off. (Though, our experience was no where near what a lot of women on this board have gone through!)

A little insight- it took over a year with meds to get pregnant with DD. My pregnancy was a breeze and I felt amazing up until about two weeks before she was born. Once she was here I knew I wanted another one- even the waking every 2-3 hours to force her to eat couldn't outweigh my desire to have another in our family. DH and I decided that we would speak with our doctors and go from there- we decided that if there was a high risk of us having another preemie that we wouldn't put another baby at risk. Our drs were confident that our chances of having another preemie were no higher than they were with DD, so we decided to start trying again at 3 months. More medical intervention was needed to get pregnant again, but here we are.

I think your own experience, feelings and medical condition need to be weighed. Only you and DH know how you feel about the situation. For us the second wasn't a question, but now, after a much harder pregnancy, the third might not be happening for us, regardless of if we go to term or not.

Lavender444 · March 2011

We were planning on being done at 2 kids anyways, but once my second pregnancy ran into complications and I delivered early, it cemented the deal. I had a tubal with my c-section and I don't regret it.

NICU was tough for me. I had a hard tim feeling like a Mom and it took a while to bond with my DS. The guilt that comes with NICU is bad enough, but having another child at home was so difficult! My daughter was 14 months when DS was born and I hated spending so much time away from her. No matter where I was, home with my daughter or in NICU with my son, it felt like the wrong place.

The odds of me having anothe pregnancy with bedrest and a NICU stay is high, and I don't want to repeat it. But, time heals all. If I felt my family was not complete, after a few years I might try again.

princessheath17 · March 2011

Well, I am pregnant now, so am somewhat there. I'm not so sure I would have tried any sooner than we did (this was planned) - for a few reasons.

First of all, after DS came home it still took me a little while to adjust. I'm pretty sure this would be the same for most new moms. And pregnancy, especially first trimester is exhausting! Add to that a newborn...or 2 that don't sleep through the night - I honestly can't and don't even want to imagine.

Secondly, it took me a while to get over what happened with my son. Not that I'm completely over it, but more at peace with it anyways. His first birthday was really hard for me - having to go through all those emotions again and I've heard it is the same for a lot of preemie momma's. So I'm glad we waited (barely) until after his 1st birthday.

Now, of course, we'll just have to see how things go this time around and it might change my opinion completely, lol. Good luck to you though!!!

Heather1979 · March 2011

I knew once I had Olivia that I wasn't done. I knew I wanted at least one more, (DH and I originally spoke about having 3-4) but we didn't know when. But keep in mind, my daughter was a 34 weeker, and although she had 2 weeks in the NICU, she made a lot of leaps and bounds, and now she's just "small for her age". We were VERY lucky.

When she was about six months old I caught what DH called "baby rabies" and got pg right away. DS was born at 38w3d, but the pg wasn't without issues. My blood pressure acted up, my migraines were worse, the only thing that didn't happen was PPROM, I had PTL twice, two infections, 5 trips to L&D, NSTS, and 5 weeks of bedrest. It wasn't easy, but it was all worth it.

The craziest part is that I'm not against having a third, but not for a looooong time. I want to lose some weight, get in better shape, and give my body time to recover. My OB and my primary docs both recommended that I wait at least 18 months to give myself some time to catch up and recuperate.

Hope my rambling helps!

Kate621 · March 2011

After Jack was born I wanted to be pregnant again right away. I think most of it was that I just missed being pregnant and really wanted a do over. Now that he is home I realized that I want to wait a while. He is not an easy baby and I don't know if I could do 2 under 2. We'll probably start trying again next year.

njdcgirl · March 2011

I find all the responses so interesting and food for thought! Sorry my response is long - I think writing this all out is theraputic for me.

I remember the day after DS was born, the NP for the Peri that delivered me started talking about "the next time I will get a cerclage at 12 weeks....yadda, yadda, yadda" and me thinking "NEXT TIME - HELL NO!!!"

Honestly, even 8 months later, I'm still in that camp. DH and I have talked a lot about it, and we are slowly moving towards adoption for our second. We don't feel like our family is complete, but there are a lot of contributing factors to our thinking:

1. Not sure we can even get pg again. I'm almost 39, and it took 2.5 years and 3 IVFs to get pg with DS. If we are going to have to pay for treatments, maybe we should put our money towards adoption, which although has its own stress and uncertainty, usually ends up with a child at the end.

2. No guarentee that I won't have an early preemie again, even with an early cerclage. They aren't sure why I dilated. I don't know if I could do another extended NICU stay. I know from others how hard it is to do with other LOs, and I'd have DS at home.

3. No guarentee of no extended bedrest. And I don't know how I would do that with a young child at home either. (we would want to try soon b/c of our ages.)

Anyway, all signs are pointing to us NOT trying again. It's kind of sad - we've been using protection since DS was born, which is crazy considering all we did to get him. I always dreamed about a surprise BFP, but now it just scares me. I know I would not enjoy a surprise pg. at all. But, I do want another child. It's a lot to consider, and I think I still have some greiving to do before definitely moving on to adoption.

Just keep talking things through with DH - you'll figure out what is right for you!

realisticdreams · March 2011

I can offer our personal experience which kind of relates to your question.

We had to use fertility drugs to get pregnant with Peyton. She was very much wanted and it was a long journey. Then from the beginning I had problems and was told I was going to miscarry. Then it all went down hill from there and I had the partial abruption at 22 weeks, lots of bedrest, etc.

When she was born for a brief period, I wanted another LO so badly. We were going to just let, whatever happened, happen. Then..she quit sleeping and we noticed she was delayed and we got the CP diagnosis. I quit my bcp because of my clotting disorder, but we were using condoms. Plus, I didn't think I could get pregnant.

Well, somehow we did get pregnant. I was in denial and we were not in a good situation to have another LO financially. We were in the middle of moving and Dh was going to school then he couldn't find a job & it was bad.

I probably would have decided that I wanted #2 eventually..when Peyton was a lot older.

But now, after this experience even though she's not very premature, the pregnancy was awful. At 20 weeks we were told she very likely might not make it and that if I hemorrhaged, living an hour from the hospital and being on lovenox could be very bad for me too.

So, i'm getting my tubes tied. The ob wanted to wait since we had kind of an emergency induction until 6 weeks PP after I got off the lovenox.

IF I do regret it or something changes in 10 years we will try to reverse it or do IVF, or adopt.

I have to think though, realistically id need someone to help care for 2 other children possibly FT while i'm in the hospital and thats not fair to them or me. I don't want to put my life in jeopardy again when these two girls need their mom too.

Sorry..if that doesn't answer your question & is just a lot of ranting lol.

amygoable · March 2011

I am pregnant with another baby now, and it happened about 7 months after I delivered my surviving son. I am PCOS, so the hormone regulation that pregnancy provides was probably what got me unexpectedly (naturally of course) pregnant again, since my first pregnancy was IVF and I'm super infertile normally. I wanted to wait longer (I was considering trying again in summer, but turns out this baby will be born then!), but I'm not sad to have another.

Fortunately the complications that caused my PTL were probably related to IVF or just a very unlikely occurrence, so I haven't had any problems this time, especially with the preventive care I've gotten (17-P to prevent contractions and bi-weekly cervix checks).

I feel bad, because being sick made me less capable of playing with my son. It wasn't as bad with a singleton as with twins, but it was still really rough, and the exhaustion doesn't help. Fortunately I have family nearby that has helped a lot! I wouldn't go back and change it, but it was difficult to see a new pregnancy take me just a little bit away from my son.

lemen99 · March 2011

Andrew was in the NICU for 4 months. There's no way we could have handled even considering TTC, even with just a singleton, until he was 1.5 yrs old. Until then it was So, so hard. Every day was a battle sometimes. First it was reflux, then eating, the infections. It was nothing life-threatening, thankfully, but stressful nonetheless. We also put all we could into helping Andrew grow and develop normally - we read to him constantly, we didn't take him out, and I think our minds were fully committed to that.

I'm not saying that some people couldn't do it - someone out there probably could handle it - but not me!!

Andrew just had surgery in Dec (he's 2 yrs), started OT (again) and ST. Just now I am starting to feel like we are a normal family.

Once I was done pumping (I EPed for 15 months and I felt like it consumed my life), this past summer we met with the MFM before TTC. We wanted to lay out all of our options. We wanted to ensure we didn't have another preemie. We decided on getting an abdominal cerclage placed - which required me having surgery - prior to pregnancy. While I feel pretty good (I am 25 weeks tomorrow), I am so busy.

Every week Andrew has therapy on Tues, therapy on Fri, I go to the dr every other Wed, he usually has a dr appt at least every other week. It's fairly exhausting. Not to mention the possibility that I could be on bed rest or we could have another preemie, we had to wait until Andrew was on his feet and could be okay without me (with some other child care) for an extended period of time if I was in the hospital or helping another NICU baby. He is pretty easy now - and my mom is available to help.

While he is doing well, he is delayed in pretty much every area. This means he's physically more exhausting (ie: he JUST Learned to climb down stairs but needs help), I have to lift him a lot still, he doesn't know how to climb into his car seat, etc. Physically he is doing better but just had surgery in DEc. I stayed with him over night at the hospital and I was so fatigued I felt like puke - That was a hard week.

Overall it hasn't been too bad, but even with a very easy-going child with no serious problems, some days are tough.

We got pregnant about when we would have regardless of having a preemie, but maybe a little later for reasons mentioned above.

I'm sorry to be kind of negative, but, I'm glad we waited. I think you'll know when the time is right. Hugs!

lemen99 · March 2011

I should add that I have PCOS and it took me a year to get pregnant with andrew, so we weren't sure how that would go again. We assumed I"d probably get pregnant at some point but had no idea how long it would take. (It only took 2 months! ah!)

Also Andrew has STTN (8+ hours) since he was 6 weeks adjusted, and 12 hours since he was 3 months adjusted. There is no way I would be pregnant right now if he did not sleep well, every night!

kaylaaimee · March 2011

It's kind of sad - we've been using protection since DS was born, which is crazy considering all we did to get him. I always dreamed about a surprise BFP, but now it just scares me. I know I would not enjoy a surprise pg. at all.

Me too, I'm terrified of getting pregnant, which is a sharp contrast to crying over a negative pregnancy test every month for years.

amygoable · March 2011

I wanted to add something important! I think most NICU moms end up pumping, and I did for 6 months until my son was finally able to pick up breastfeeding (it was a long journey), but a couple of months into my pregnancy, he weaned because my supply was disappearing. I had a crazy good supply before, and we still have some frozen breast milk left over, but it just stopped up by about 8 weeks! It's a good thing my boy wasn't picky, and bottled breast milk suited him fine, even when we started to mix in formula so the milk would go further.

I HATED weaning my son so early, especially after a long struggle just to get him to the breast, and though my OB doesn't want me BFing for the rest of my pregnancy (even if I could relactate with all of the hormones), I kinda hope he unweans after I deliver and begin BFing his little sister. And I also hated using formula, because I know it's not the best. That was a huge challenge with getting pregnant again!

smelly7378 · March 2011

When we got married, my husband and I wanted 3-4. I got pregnant with my daughter and the pregnancy was ok (I also have a love-hate relationship with pregnancy but I ended up with PIH and I was induced and placed on MAG. My daughter was born full term, but I had high blood pressure for 3 months after she was born and my doctors had no idea why. I am also a NICU nurse so after that experience I was terrified to get pregnant again. So I waited, enjoyed my daughter, even thought about not having any more but I constantly got the "you don't want her to be an only child do you?"

So we tried again and I got pregnant right away, but had a miscarriage followed by a D&C. I really thought I was done after this but we hosted a Christmas party and well I got pregnant with my son.

His pregnancy was really hard on me, I was sick constantly, and it turned out I had GD. I was constantly paranoid about my BP, but it was normal. Until 35 weeks I went in because I thought I was contracting, I wasn't contracting but my BP was sky high. So I was sent to L&D had a battery of tests done, given a ton of Labetolol and my BP was still high so they induced me. I ended up with a c/s section after a 2 day induction. I was on Mag the whole time and I don't really remember most of it. I do remember telling everyone I was allergic to pregnancy. Needless to say I am done. I can't go through that again and my ob even agrees. I told him that when lightening strikes you twice you need to get out of the way. My husband got fixed right before Christmas Big Smile

It still makes me a little sad when I see people with 3 kids, but I have 2 healthy children and my biggest fear would be leaving them without a mother (if something happened to me during another pregnancy)

It is a hard decision but only you know if you are ready and willing to have more.

shanlubey · March 2011

I'd be happy with just Sam, but my DH and I are on the five year plan. If things are settled and calm, and I'm longing for a sibling for my son, I will consider pregnancy again. It was a miserable pregnancy, filled with loss and pain, but I don't regret a second.

njkaren · March 2011

Brandon was born at 26 weeks, 2 days. He was a twin but I lost his twin at 20 weeks, 3 days after Pprom at 19 weeks, 2 days. That pregnancy was an IVF pregnancy. All of my doctors told me after everything happened that I probably just couldn't carry twins. They thought if I got pregnant with a singleton my next pregnancy I probably would not have the same problems that I did with the first pregnancy. Brandon will be 3 in July and is doing really well.

We did a FET in October and just transferred one embryo. I got pregnant again and I am now 22 weeks, 1 day. Everything has been good so far with this pregnancy. My doctors keep saying they really think with me it is a singleton vs. twin pregnancy which is making the difference.

OscarQ · March 2011

Right after Kevin was born I swore I was done. Now I'm hoping for another pregnancy but I need to give my body time to rest and recover from the C-section. My high risk OB was going out of network so that got me moving on determining medically if there was a likelihood that my problem would recur. I met with MFM this past Monday and they think I can do a second pregnancy without issue and they'll monitor me like crazy the whole time.

That being said, we'll reevaluate in December - I'm not sure how I'll feel about having another baby once Kevin is actually home.

With all that said, it is tempting to take advantage of the increased fertility now to avoid the RE's office again.

magdalina.h · March 2011

We waited 4 months before trying again and we only ttc again because we lost Aidan. If we hadn't lost Aidan, we would have waited a few years because of the medical expenses. At first I wanted to try right away because I felt robbed of my pregnancy (ended at 28 1/2 weeks) and then when we lost him I didn't want to put myself through that pain ever again. Once we got the okay to start trying again from my OB we felt ready.

ruthiewith · March 2011

My DS was born at 31 weeks and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. He's 2 now. I had a great pregnancy until I got severe pre-e. It took me about a year to heal from the whole experience. DH and I knew that we wanted 2 kids about 2 years apart. I consulted a specialist and was told I'd have a 33% chance of getting pre-e again, but that it would probably be mild if I got it at all. Well, here I am with another DS (born at 29w5d) in the NICU after having an even more severe case of pre-e and HELLP syndrome to boot. I'm so glad we have both boys, but there's absolutely no way I'm doing it again! My second pregnancy was mentally awful, I was anxious and panicked the whole time that I would get sick again. It was not an enjoyable experience. Having another child in the NICU is sad and anxiety-producing, but it's not as horrible as before, I suppose because I know exactly what to expect.

witt0198 · March 2011

I haven't read all the previous reponses yet as I don't have the time currently. For a long time after Evan things were really tough around here, the thought of a second never was a possibility in my mind. We were trying to survive with one. I'm the only income as well which factors into things. We're still paying medical bills, and an extended bedrest would definitely have to be planned for. Lemen99 posted on here about a TAC, and that is what really started to get me thinking #2 might be a possibility. I ended up looking into them, and as a treatment for an incompetent cervix they're incredibly successful 97-99% term baby with no bedrest. A doctor in chicago who places them thinks I'm a fantastic candidate for it, and I'm scheduled to have it placed on the 10th of this month.

After what we went through with Evan, and being the only income, I want to be prepared as much as I can this time. Get what debt we can paid off, save up my sick and vacation time to cover extended time off if needed. I talked with my OB, and P17 shots could cut my chance of PTL in half, that and the TAC and the odds are really good we could have a healthy term baby at the end of a pregnancy. That makes me think #2 is a real posibility. If anyone told me I'd likely go through this again, No way. Evan would be an only child. I don't think I could survive it again, and I don't think it would be fair to put another child through NICU etc.

When I think of your situation, new mom to twins right? I'm sure it could be done, but it just sounds exhausting to be adjusting to twins at home and being pregnant. Preemies or not. I personally would need a break in between, but I'm not you, you may do just fine with it, and I can understand the desire to hit up a fertile time. I don't know much about that personally, but I do know someone who's first 4 kids were fertility 1 boy, then triplets 2g, 1b, and they were pregnant naturally 6 months after the tripplets were born. So like I say, I know it can be done, I just know I wouldn't want all the stress of that, and would like a break in between.

lgmom2010 · March 2011

Right after DD was born I wanted to be pregnant again, like Kate said, I think just bc I missed being pregnant and I felt robbed and I wanted a "do-over" but then once we had her home we realized how much work it was, esp with her being high needs. At that point we were like there is no way we could have two little ones and I decided that there is no way I will ever be pregnant again and take the risks. I have a lot of issues and I was told if I ever were to get pregnant again, I will not have a full term baby. I just don't want to go through it again. While I am totally happy with DD and only DD, I've always imagined having multiple kids and want her to have a sibling, so I think we are starting adoption this summer

buenaestrella77 · March 2011

njdcgirl:
I find all the responses so interesting and food for thought! Sorry my response is long - I think writing this all out is theraputic for me.
I remember the day after DS was born, the NP for the Peri that delivered me started talking about "the next time I will get a cerclage at 12 weeks....yadda, yadda, yadda" and me thinking "NEXT TIME - HELL NO!!!"
Honestly, even 8 months later, I'm still in that camp. DH and I have talked a lot about it, and we are slowly moving towards adoption for our second. We don't feel like our family is complete, but there are a lot of contributing factors to our thinking:
1. Not sure we can even get pg again. I'm almost 39, and it took 2.5 years and 3 IVFs to get pg with DS. If we are going to have to pay for treatments, maybe we should put our money towards adoption, which although has its own stress and uncertainty, usually ends up with a child at the end.
2. No guarentee that I won't have an early preemie again, even with an early cerclage. They aren't sure why I dilated. I don't know if I could do another extended NICU stay. I know from others how hard it is to do with other LOs, and I'd have DS at home.
3. No guarentee of no extended bedrest. And I don't know how I would do that with a young child at home either. (we would want to try soon b/c of our ages.)
Anyway, all signs are pointing to us NOT trying again. It's kind of sad - we've been using protection since DS was born, which is crazy considering all we did to get him. I always dreamed about a surprise BFP, but now it just scares me. I know I would not enjoy a surprise pg. at all. But, I do want another child. It's a lot to consider, and I think I still have some greiving to do before definitely moving on to adoption.
Just keep talking things through with DH - you'll figure out what is right for you!

i could've written this myself. the only difference my H wants to try again, i want to adopt. we still have to sit and have the conversation.....seriously that is.

my mom asked me if i would do it again i told her i'd like to consult my fertility doctor, my ob, my son's primary nurse who is now like my BFF, my therapist and a priest before i can answer that question. i'm still healing from the 104 days in the nicu.

by the way nj -- your son looks beautiful! look's like he's doing amazing!

Million$$Baby · March 2011

In my honest opinion, now is probably not the best time to be thinking about this. After I had my babies I felt so cheated - cheated out of a normal preganancy, a happy delivery, babies I could take home with me. I wanted desperately to have another baby so I could do it all the "normal" way. Then Charlie and Lily came home and we got settled and I realized that I didn't want another baby at all. I liked the life we built with the four of us, and I realized that there was no way in hell I could take the chance of going through everything all over again. There's no guarantee of normal, and I knew I couldn't face another scary pregnancy, preemie birth, NICU stay, etc. So we're done. Anyway, I know there are a million thoughts going through your mind right now, but I'd probably try not to think about it until your babies are all home and settled and your life is more normal, you know?

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