Please help me

JenniferTCU · March 2011

I love my husband yet I hate him. It's out of control. I was going to vent about this the other day but got too busy. We have sports (7 and 9 yr old stepdaughters) every single night. On Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst 5:15 soccer kid one 5:30 soccer kid two 7:00 softball kid two It's always something. It's taking over our lives and I can't handle it. And this is nonnegotiable forhim. He wants to be there for every game and practice. I started feeling sick Thursday and couldn't get out of bed yesterday. So he took me to the er. I had act scans and a spinal tap. They don't know what's wrong with me. They transferred me to a big hospital last night and did another ct scan and are doing an MRI today. Girls, I'm scared to death. My mom picked up Jace yesterday so he could stay there this weekend. Guess where John is???? 8 am basketball tourney. 10 am after that. And then a 2pm softball game. While I am scared to death alone in this hospital room. I want a divorce. Not kidding.

JenniferTCU · March 2011

Sorry on iPhone. No paragraphs for some reason.

mariahcohen · March 2011

WOW! First off I hope you are OK ... You must be terrified.

Secondly...what an A hole! I know kids are important but spouses should be number ONE!! I would have a serious problem if that happened to me!!

Good luck....we love you!!

mwd · March 2011

(Getting on my soap box) First, Your DH has 2 families, he needs to split his free time between the 2. Maybe he could go one week, and then not go the next. Second, just 'cause you are his second family doesn't mean you get put second. If going to all of these places is stressing you out so much that you are hospitalized, you need to cut back as well. Before you file for divorce, please go into counseling and try to reach a happy medium.

OK, sorry had to preach considering I am not perfect. But that really irritated me for some reason. I wish the best outcome possible for your family (hugs!).

mwd · March 2011

Oh, and that picture of Jace is so stinking cute!

dkays · March 2011

First off, I hope they find what is wrong quickly and fix it. I'm sorry you are scared and he is not there with you.

I completely understand the childrens activities taking over everything. Sports has been a sore subject in our house at different times. It's great that he wants to be so involved with his girls but some how he has to find balance. Kids grow up and move on.

Have you shared how your feeling with him or will he just not listen? I think there needs to be a what I like to call "coming to Jesus talk" soon.

Hang in there and try not to make any quick decision while you are feeling so sick. Things always seem to be so much worse when you don't feel well. Once you are feeling better you will need to decide what you are willing to compromise to make your marriage work. Marriage is a lot of work but well worth it. I can honestly tell you that over the past 21 years my marriage has had some big ups and downs.

Dragonflyer · March 2011

First sending you tons of thoughts and prayers that everything is ok with your health. Being in a hospital sucks, being there by yourself is the worst. I am sending your dh a virtual kick in the ass right now. He needs to know how you feel, and he needs to know now. Guys are kinda stupid that way. If he still chooses to be away, well then you have something to talk about. But, really tell him now. Tell him you need him by your side and you are scared.

Sending you tons of hugs.

Peppernut · March 2011

Oh MAN! Jen, that's just not right. What is he teaching those kids about priorities?!

I am so sorry, you must be so frightened. I wish we could all come support you.

*hugs*

I hope they figure out what's wrong, and that it turns out to be something easy to fix.

daisydana · March 2011

Oh Jen. Sorry that you are alone right now. Men don't GET IT sometimes. I guarantee that he is thinking that there is nothing you both can do in the hospital except hurry up and wait so he may as well be at the game/tournament. I hope nothing is seriously wrong and they can get you the hell out of there and home with your sweet little man

Your DH needs to do some explaining and you guys need to have a serious talk that ends with a major compromise. On his part. I am on my iPhone too. Sorry of it's all a jumbled mess. Hugs.

Piranha54 · March 2011

First off, big hugs and hope they figure out what is going on - don't think there's much scarier than not knowing. And also hoping it's something ultimately easily taken care of!!

I'd be pissed too. Sounds like you need a talk, a big talk. And maybe with a counselor to keep everyone calm. We have some friends who's kids are also overbooked and I just can't even imagine it. I am hoping that when we get to that age with Ellie, we can keep some limits and control and still allow her to do what she wants.

Good luck and keep us updated on what's going on at the hospital! And ask them for warm blankets - one of the few nice things about a hospital!

JenniferTCU · March 2011

Thanks ladies. I'm just scared and emotional not really filing for divorce (hope not anyway!) we have had the sports talk 100 times. One daughter is in four sports right now. FOUR! Basketball softball indoor soccer and outdoor soccer. It's just out of hand. He doesn't see it that way nor does he sees how blatant his favoritism is for that child. The younger daughter only plays soccer and he forced that issue til she gave in and is playing. I work late most night but have to hurry home 1.5 hour one way commute so I can get jace from daycare so he can do all of this bs sports stuff. It's all very sad to me.

stever · March 2011

Oh no, no, no! I am so very sorry you're dealing with this, Jen. All of this! I wish I could bring you coffee and have you tell me a Left Hug ll about it in person

In lieu of that, I need details. You say they don't know what's wrong with you, but have they given any indication towards leaning towards something? Anything? Spinal taps, MRI's and CT scans are big deals, so they must at least have an idea of what they might be looking for.

And John's being a prick! That said, divorced parents get weird about guilt and their kids. It sucks, but it's pretty common. But I can't believe he's at a game when you're in the hospital. WTF?

IDK. I'm at a loss for you, my friend. I'm not gonna pretend to have any advice re: the possibility of divorce. Please vent and keep us informed. And please, please, please take care of yourself. I'm glad your mom has Jace.

daisydana · March 2011

JenniferTCU:
I work late most night but have to hurry home 1.5 hour one way commute so I can get jace from daycare so he can do all of this bs sports stuff. It's all very sad to me.

So... When does your DH spend time with you and Jace? He must not get to see him all that much during the week or on Saturdays. Is Sunday your only "family" day?

stever · March 2011

Uh, why'd my hug end up in my text?

Left Hug

Puckchick07 · March 2011

Sorry you're going through this and amazed that your husband is not with you when you're scared and in the hospital. I hope he wises up and gets his ass to your side.

I hope they find out whatever is wrong is minor and a quick fix. Thinking of you!!! I'm glad your mom was able to come take care of Jace.

Please keep us posted.

JenniferTCU · March 2011

Dana, family days are kind of nonexistent right now. We spend both weekend days at sporting events. It really does suck. I feel like it's just cassidy's life and we are all just living in it. Heather, they've said I have pneumonia for sure but still know definitive answers. Oddly I don't have symptoms of pneumonia really. Can't remember if I posted this before but my white cell count is 24k so there's some sort of raging infection. They seemed to have ruled out meningitis and hepatitis. The scary part for me is that they keep going back to more head tests. But nurse said that could be because I came in with diziness. Thank you all for your encouragement and support.

superaunt · March 2011

OMG I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this amidst medical issues!

I cannot even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now and I will pray that your DH can get a clue and at least be there for you right now!! Huge Hugs and major positive vibes coming your way!!

Strunella · March 2011

Oh, my! You poor thing! I hope you are on the way to recovery with some answers from the doctors. Not sure what to say about the DH situation. I don't know how he thinks attending children's sporting events is more important than being with his wife in the hospital. Don't get that at all. It also doesn't send a very good life lesson to the girls: when someone you love is sick or hurt and needs you, it's important to be there to provide love and support. That's more important than basketball, soccer, whatever.

Is he trying to overcompensate for something? Because while it's great that he's an involved and present dad with his girls, he also needs to be involved and present with his son. He needs to cut back on something to make time for your family.

Focus on getting well first. Your health is number one! Then it's time for DH to do the right thing and make some changes so that he's a good dad in both families, not just one.

Strunella · March 2011

Forgot to add: how is one child playing 4 sports? When is she doing homework and just getting to relax and be herself? Way too much IMO. But guess that's another topic entirely!

mtnrider · March 2011

Geez, I hope you get some answers soon! Could the dizziness and the white blood cell count be related to the pneumonia but they're just covering their ass by doing all the head tests? At least you caught the pneumonia in time and are getting treatment. As for your hubby, what a prickish thing to do! I wonder if he's terrified/in denial/can't deal and this is his way of coping? I just saw War of the Roses the other night and this reminds me of that scene where Michael Douglas goes to the hospital with chest pains and his wife never shows up, not even to pick him up! Well, at least your DH drove you to the hospital...but still...his priorities are way out of whack! I agree with al the pp's that it's time for a serious talk and maybe even marital counselling. Left Hug

fiazo · March 2011

Jen my heart is breaking for you. Previous posters said it all. I am so pissed at him for you. He just doesn't get it. Is he so sports obsessed or does he have a major guilt trip about not being there for his kids? I am so so sorry. I hope you are oK and please do attempt counseling first. Give him the ultimatum, counseling or straight to divorce. Maybe he'll see how serious & tired you are of the situation.

JenniferTCU · March 2011

I gave him an ultimatum today- only one sport at a time. I don't think he will go for it but I'm gonna push it. No 9 year old kid should be playing sports 7 days a week. I used to think it was a divorce guilt thing but I really don't know especially since we have custody half the time and he sees them daily. He explained that he and his sister always played sports but I don't buy it. I think he just loves stupidass sports that much. Complete nonsense. On a happy note, white cells are now 19k so it's on the way down yay. Just had MRI which sucked but tech said she couldn't tell me anything but to not worry. Comforted me. Too hard to type on this thing. Sorry for poor sentence structure and no paragraphs!

Daisiesinmygarden · March 2011

Oh wow, I hope you feel better soon and it's something that is easialy dealt with and you'll be right as rain soon.

And yeah, that is out of control and unreasonable. if he wont listen, I agree a trip to a councelor would be a very good thing. If he wont go, at least you can go for support for you and ideas on dealing/negotiating with DH.

amtaka · March 2011

I'm sorry you're going through this Jen! Glad the MRI tech told you not to worry and the white blood count is going down. Hopefully the answers come soon and you'll be on your way home.

As for your DH, previous posters have said it all. How can one child play sports 7 days a week? I agree with the counseling suggestions. If DH won't agree to go then go by yourself for the support. Thoughts and prayers heading your way!

Pesky · March 2011

First off, I sure hope everything is okay and you are healthy again soon. How scary!!

Second of all, time for a come to Jesus meeting. This isn't asking him to choose between the kids and you, this is asking him to recognize when there are evident priorities between the needs. Seriously, you are in the hospital -- they don't know what is wrong, you are scared, they are doing very serious tests. And he opts for a routine game of his kids over that? What if (God forbid) one of his daughters was in the hospital? You wouldn't fault him for being there and missing a key award ceremony where you are receiving some big award or something. His daughters aren't going to fault him for missing a game or practice when you are in the hospital, or, on a more regular basis, to spend time with his other child and wife. They need to learn to share him too. It just communicates that he doesn't care about his marriage and I would simply ask if that is the intent, because otherwise, he needs help in recognizing his priorities.

robynlesley · March 2011

Jen, I tried to reply twice already the Bump ate my first post and Aaron closed my browser window the second time. Ugh. I'm just so annoyed at your husband for choosing a sporting event over supporting you when you're in the hospital. I think counseling is a good idea?at the very least to find better ways to communicate. But something has to give on his end. By being so involved in his eldest daughter's sports activities, he's neglecting his wife and son. That's not right to leave the burden of care solely on you, when you are home. And since he works closer to home, he needs to spend more time with Jace. I hope he "gets" it.

And I just hope you find out what's going on and get well. (((HUG)))

ateytelb · March 2011

Don 't think my prev. post went through. Hope you get well soon! I also think your H is being unreasonable.

carladillon · March 2011

Jen - Wow! I'm so sorry you are going through this! I never gave as much thought to my health as I do now that D is here. It's one of my worst fears is to get seriously ill and not be around for her. It sounds like they are working diligently to diagnose what is ailing you - thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery and that you have Jace in your arms soon. As for your DH - how hurtful and neglectful if him! I'm so upset for you about this! It sounds like he is taking you and Jace for granted. I sure hope he sees the light before the damage is irreversible. Hugs to you, my friend. xoxoxo

NewMrs07 · March 2011

Sorry you're not feeling well but try not to worry too much. You still don't know what it is and maybe it's nothing serious. Just wait and see what the doctor says. As for your husband, I can't believe he can't tell his kids that this week he needs to be with you instead. He really should have taken a break from the games to be with you. I would be pissed too, I totally understand your feelings ((hugs)).

NewMrs07 · March 2011

mwd:
Oh, and that picture of Jace is so stinking cute!

Yes, so cute!

NewMrs07 · March 2011

JenniferTCU:
Thanks ladies. I'm just scared and emotional not really filing for divorce (hope not anyway!) we have had the sports talk 100 times. One daughter is in four sports right now. FOUR! Basketball softball indoor soccer and outdoor soccer. It's just out of hand. He doesn't see it that way nor does he sees how blatant his favoritism is for that child. The younger daughter only plays soccer and he forced that issue til she gave in and is playing. I work late most night but have to hurry home 1.5 hour one way commute so I can get jace from daycare so he can do all of this bs sports stuff. It's all very sad to me.

Yes, that's not right Jen, you and your DH need to have a serious talk soon. He definitely needs to get his kids to cut back on sports. What about other activities, don't they do anything non-sporty that they can do at home? Books, art?

M.Amy · March 2011

Jen I am so sorry - I am just catching up and I feel horrible you are dealing with all of this.

Is there anyway your DH would go to counseling? Maybe just a few sessions to help mediate each of your needs? With the current schedule I just don't see how your DH has time for you or Jace. Obviously he should spend time with all of his children but I don't see that happening.

As for you - I hope you continue to get help in figuring out what is going on with your health. Please keep us up to date on what is happening. I am going to be worried about you until I hear you say you are okay.