I feel out of place

realisticdreams · March 2011

I feel like Morgan was so close to term that I don't really belong here, but the fact that she should still be inside me growing makes me feel like I don't belong on 0-3 either.

I'm struggling with the fact that SHE SHOULD be inside of me. Right now. Still growing. She is so small (I know, others were a lot smaller and spent a lot of time in the NICU) & I am so grateful she did as well as she did. Especially with the IUGR, I did not know what to expect.

Then, I feel like I shouldn't really have the feeling of failing her because she was so close to term.

But, when her preemie clothes are falling off of her and she weighs less than when she was born, I can't help but feel that way.

I don't know if we are supposed to go by an adjusted age with her in terms of milestones, etc & it's all kind of confusing.

Sigh. Sorry to turn this into a vent-ish.

mrstarawalsh · March 2011

I felt somewhat the same way the first month or so DD was born. So close to being term but just not quite there yet (born 34 weeks 3 days). You belong here, though. I started over on the 0-3 month boards once DD came home from the NICU at 37 weeks gestation. I've always gone by adjusted age when measuring milestones. In some ways DD is right on for her real age, and in others she's slightly behind even for her adjusted age. But all babys grow at their own pace.

You kept her in for 35 weeks! That's an accomplishment! There's no reason to feel that YOU failed, it was out of your control. Remember that!

lisa&andy · March 2011

Vent away! But know that you are not alone, I had those same thoughts when my kids were little. They were born at 35w2d and I thought the problems that DS faced were small compared to what I read on here. You did not fail her, you made it to 35w6d and that is awesome!

I went by their adjusted age for their milestones and they were right on track with that until 6ish months, then we switched to their actual age to track milestones.

ShannonSky · March 2011

mrstarawalsh:
I felt somewhat the same way the first month or so DD was born. So close to being term but just not quite there yet (born 34 weeks 3 days). You belong here, though. I started over on the 0-3 month boards once DD came home from the NICU at 37 weeks gestation. I've always gone by adjusted age when measuring milestones. In some ways DD is right on for her real age, and in others she's slightly behind even for her adjusted age. But all babys grow at their own pace.

You kept her in for 35 weeks! That's an accomplishment! There's no reason to feel that YOU failed, it was out of your control. Remember that!

ALLLLLLLLLL this! Knowing what you knew at the time, did you do everything in your power to keep her in? Then you did the best you could. Sometimes these things are just out of our hands. For us, I definitely felt like I belonged here for a long time, and now that our NICU experience is so far away and DD is doing so well and meeting all of her milestones (the only time her prematurity ever comes up anymore is to explain why she's so small), now I spend more time on other boards. Though now that I'm pregnant again, I'm sure I'll be venting every other day about how scared I am, which probably only this board can fully understand.

luvdv8 · March 2011

Don't feel out of place here- late term preemies are still preemies, and while the differences between them and their full-term peers might not be as noticeable they still need that extra little bit of support and they can't be compared to their peers.

DD was almost 35 weeks when she was born. We were able to room-in with her because she was always able to breathe room air well- they simply brought all the NICU monitors, the incubator, the bili lights, etc to our private room and posted a nurse outside the door when she was in-room with us because the NICU at our hospital is very small. Because she didn't spend all her days and nights in the NICU and because she did grow quickly and because her development in certain areas were on par with her actual age people tended to discount her as a preemie ("she wasn't THAT premature"). The reality it that while she wasn't a 28-weeker she wasn't full term, and even now her gross motor and communication levels are still behind even her adjusted age.

Give yourself a break- there are very few instances where having a preterm baby can be stopped. You didn't fail her and getting down on yourself now isn't going to do her any good. Our LOs are so much stronger than we can ever imagine and right now what your LO needs is your support and strength. Keep track of her by her adjusted age for milestones and go by actual age for things like immunizations. It will all just become part of your new normal and won't be so confusing- plus, you have this board and everyone here is very supportive.

lemen99 · March 2011

I'm a mom of a 26-weeker but it doesn't bother me that you post here or feel this way. Every situation is different. Your little one came too soon too, and that's tough! Grow, grow, grow baby!

Mrs.JBW · March 2011

Nodding my head up and down! I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!

My DD was born at 35w5d due to pre-e and iugr. She was only 4lb at birth and measured as a 33 week baby. We spent 2 weeks in the NICU and while I knew she would come home with us someday (a luxury some NICU parents do not have), we still saw and heard and experienced things that have left indellible marks on our hearts.

I felt guilty and jealous and mad - why her, why us, why me?!? On her actual due date I was a mess!! She was home by then, but still in preemie clothes. We were still waking her every 3 hours to feed her and I was still in seclusion on doctor's orders to get her immune system strong enough for public outings.

I gave her the adjusted age benefit until she turned two. She is average height and slim I can remember distinctly her 8 month appt with her 50% height and 50% weight report - I cried tears of happiness and knew we had turned the corner.

It does get easier! {{hugs}}

BabyBebe1 · March 2011

HUGS and I completely understand. My DS was born at 36/6 so literally one day short of term. But he had other medical issues that led to a surgery at 4 days old and then spent 11 days in the NICU. All and all, he came home at less than 6 pounds and demonstrated many signs of a preemie. We had a very prolonged newborn stage and it wasn't until he was about 6 months old that he caught up developmentally and on the growth charts. People didn't really understand because he was born so close to term, but I was told by our multiple doctors that what we experienced was very normal. I remember feeling really insecure when around babies his age who had neck control and all these things while he would just be floppily sleeping in my arms. But I promise that in time it all evens out. And though you won't forget what you've been through, but it will be easier to reflect on.

princessheath17 · March 2011

mrstarawalsh:
I felt somewhat the same way the first month or so DD was born. So close to being term but just not quite there yet (born 34 weeks 3 days). You belong here, though. I started over on the 0-3 month boards once DD came home from the NICU at 37 weeks gestation. I've always gone by adjusted age when measuring milestones. In some ways DD is right on for her real age, and in others she's slightly behind even for her adjusted age. But all babys grow at their own pace.

You kept her in for 35 weeks! That's an accomplishment! There's no reason to feel that YOU failed, it was out of your control. Remember that!

Just about every word of this. Except my DS was born at 34 wks, 6 days. You do belong here. And I went by adjusted completely up until recently, but even now I still do once in a while.

realisticdreams · March 2011

You ladies are so great!

I guess maybe i didn't want to offend anyone who had a micro preemie or extensive nicu stay.

I guess I should be used to feel odd, Peyton has a lot of issues & CP but she is on track developmentally (now) just "atypical." I don't feel like 'normal' parents can relate to multiple therapy appointments on a weekly basis, and neurologists and neurosurgeons and MRI's and all of that, but I know there are alot of SN children who have to go through so much more than we have had to.

It gives you perspective and makes you grateful for everyday you have with your LO's and family. Life can change in an instant.

Thanks again for all of the support.

BabyBebe1 · March 2011

realisticdreams:
You ladies are so great!
I guess maybe i didn't want to offend anyone who had a micro preemie or extensive nicu stay.
I guess I should be used to feel odd, Peyton has a lot of issues & CP but she is on track developmentally (now) just "atypical." I don't feel like 'normal' parents can relate to multiple therapy appointments on a weekly basis, and neurologists and neurosurgeons and MRI's and all of that, but I know there are alot of SN children who have to go through so much more than we have had to.
It gives you perspective and makes you grateful for everyday you have with your LO's and family. Life can change in an instant.
Thanks again for all of the support.

I agree with all of this. A lot of people just can't relate. As a result of our DS's condition, he has one non-functioning kidney (that will be removed in November), a distended bladder that we aren't sure how is going to function in the long term, and the other kidney that no one knows if will grow with his body. Our life too is filled with specialists and blood draws and other tests. I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I am not complaining about our circumstances, but I just think you said it really well... People don't understand, and it's really nice to have a support group of women who have been through similar things. All of our stories may be different, but we all went through and probably continue to face challenges as a result of less than normal starts for our kiddos.

Delphianraven · March 2011

I know how you feel. My son was born at 34 weeks and only had to stay in the hospital a week after he was born. Compared to so many of the heart wrenching stories I've read here and there I feel I have absolutely no reason to complain.

It's when I took him to his first appointment and they told me that just because he was premature that we would 'most certainly' have development issue and need referrals to Rainbows that it all sort of hit me. (Thank goodness we switched doctors).

What really got to me was at 1 month 3 weeks when we had to take him -back- to the hospital to have surgery for double inguinal hernias, emotionally that was so hard. I even cried a bit when they took him out of my arms to get him ready for it. I cried again when I saw the oxygen tubs hooked up to him because he was having a hard time coming off the anesthesia. It was like all that worry that I had while we were in the NICU came back in a rush.

I guess I am saying I can empathize. Vent away.

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