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Parenting after 35
daisydana
member
Anyone else this undecided on ttc another?
daisydana
member
We just had another conversation about whether or not to go for #2. I brought up birth control since I will be seeing my gyno in another month or two. We decided to still use condoms (or not - which seems to be happening more and more these days) and "see what happens". That quote was DH, not me. So, we aren't TRYING... and we aren't totally NOT preventing. It just seems like such limbo.
How *I* feel varies from week to week. Most of the time I would LOVE to have another. But then reality sets in and I wonder if that is really the best decision. My main reason for having a second is for Sydney. I want her to have a sibling. Plus, I always wanted more than one child. And, it goes without saying that we have more than enough love to give to another little human who would be ours. Negatives are: my age, our financial situation, risks of downs and other complications, and this overwhelming feeling that I can't do it. It will just be too much work (for lack of a better word).
Like I said... limbo. Thanks for letting me get it out there though....
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Re: Anyone else this undecided on ttc another?
I totally relate - the SO and I had this exact same discussion last August and our reasons were the same as yours (both pros and cons). My only other argument for another kiddo was that my oldest was an only child and that I feel he missed out by not having a sibling closer to his age (even though he adores S). We finally decided to go ahead and try (nothing active/different but not to prevent either). If it happens, it happens. I guess I have no words of wisdom but wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
While I'm not undecided (we're done), I had those feelings for a long time. Wanting a sibling for Aaron. Then realizing siblings are overrated (my brother). Wanting a baby girl. Realizing I could have 2 boys. Boys are good... don't get me wrong but I honestly would only want a girl for a hypothetical 2nd?but I'd love whatever I got. So my thoughts went round and round and I realized that finances shouldn't be overlooked and having no help (and a DH with a LONG commute) also plays a role.
I just hope you are able to make your decision and be content with it.
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Not that it matters how I feel since my husband is done (but I am sure I could convince him if I tried ; ). I am very torn. Part of me would love 1 more baby & I am struggling with this every day. For me it's not about sex or siblings anymore (duh, I got three boys close in age, no doubt the 4th would be a boy too). I just feel that it would add something special to our family (watching the boys relationship grow has been the most beautiful thing already, so that is how I know there is more room).. but am frightened that it could add too much to our family (I am too scared of severe birth defects, we have dealt with enough).
I could have written this exact same post word for word! Except I'd add our ages to it as another reason why we're done.
I was 41 when I delivered (and had no trouble getting preggo) and for me the biggest issue was going past term because the chances of stillbirth go up in women over age 40 who's pregnancy goes past 40 weeks. That was the scariest part for me.
I secretly hope that the "see what happens" turns in to a sibling for Sydney. That way you didn't have to really decide yes or no. The joys of having more than one are amazing. I'm not saying there aren't some days when I think what in the world did I get myself into.
My older ones are now mature enough to have very thought provoking conversations with. I am very surprised and proud about what they think and how the view the world. Most of the time they are very good friends but they are teenagers so they do have off days. IMO, we as parents are instrumental in helping our children develop good relationships with each other.
***Finger crossed that something just happens!****
It's a personal decision for every couple. We decided that we wanted a sibling for Jason, and that we could handle one more child financially. "Not preventing" for us meant "trying" since I still tend to get preg quickly. It's so much harder now with 2 LO's and me working FT, but we are very happy we did it. We hope they develop a good relationship, which I think is important also because we are older parents. Plus, I heard that at certain point LO's start playing together so the parents can watch TV or read newspapers
Dana - I am SO with you....it didn't take us as long as you to get pg, but I struggle with the "can I really do this again"? I am from a family of 5 kids and we are all pretty close now and I almost feel obligated to at least try and give Brenna a sibling for the sole reason that I can't imagine not having my siblings...especially now as an adult and coming close to losing my dad a year ago....I would never have gotten through it w/o my siblings.
I was out with my 2 friends last night, both of whom are 35+ and both have 2 children and they say while it is harder, it also gives them great joy to see their 2 children playing with each other and like a pp they can actually get more done now b/c they entertain each other...
Whatever you decide though....Sydney is blessed to have 2 amazing parents that love her like crazy...and I'm a big believer in fate and everything happens for a reason. I'm with your DH..."see what happens" but if "it" doesn't happen...it will be different than the first time TTC b/c you have Sydney, ya know??
What do people around here say...you never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't?
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We're ready to start trying for #2 ASAP. In fact, I am already thinking about the effects that nursing will have on my fertility. For me, the very fact that we are older parents makes me want to give LO a sibling. We have a ridiculously small family, and LO will have no uncles or cousins. He is fortunate to have grandparents now, but will likely not grow up with them. I do not want him to be alone once DH and I are gone (if he is not married).
I am an only child and have mixed feelings about it. At this point in my life, I wish I had a sibling. As my parents age, the burden of their care and daily affairs will fall upon me. That is a huge responsibility for one person. Then again, my mom points out that even when there are siblings, usually only one person steps up to the plate. Though I have been blessed with a crazy amount of friends, it not the same as having a close bond with a sibling.
But with time not on my side (and the fact that I am currenly nursing and hope to do so for at least 6 months), I don't know what the future will bring. I would love to consider adoption (we looked into it when first TTC) but it is so cost prohibitive. Still not ruling it out though.
Sounds like you can be at peace with whatever happens and that's the best place to be.
I think about this a lot too. I am pretty sure DH is ready to say done and is just not coming right out with it because he knows I am undecided. He is from a family of 2 so I'm sure that feels normal to him, plus I know he is concerned about the financial impact (paying for college for a third, etc.) and that he is worried about the greater risk of downs and such since I would be over 40.
I think those are all really valid reasons not to have another, but I am just a more emotional decision maker when it comes down to it and my feelings will outweigh practical considerations in the end. About half the time, I think I really want to try for one more (and I'll admit I hope it would be another little girl although obviously I'd be happy with a boy too). I have two sisters and three kids just somehow feels right. Then the other half of the time I think that I don't want to go through all the difficult parts again - the sleeplessness, the anxiety over breastfeeding, the terrible toddler phases...And I am having a really hard time dealing with how little time I have for myself now that we have two, so dragging out that reality with another baby is another reason to add to the list of cons. But then when I'm rocking Noah or listening to Ellie laugh, I just think about how much another child would add to our lives and I think I could go through anything again.
So yeah, I guess you could say I'm undecided. DH and I are just putting off any discussion about it for now - I am not ready to force the issue right now and I probably would wait until Noah is closer to a year old before I'd be ready to try again anyway if we do decide to.
^ This is huge for me. If you would have said this to me two or three years ago, I wouldn't have given it much weight. But today, I see it. And I SO want her to have a playmate in a brother or sister.
It's just that... THAT shouldn't be the MAIN reason. And it *is* right now. I hope that as we work through this, other reasons (pro or con) take the lead. But for now, that's how it stands.
Thanks to everyone who keeps responding. It helps to see how others feel :-)
Sharon, I am a little sad for you. I didn't know you had come to a decision. I am glad you're okay with it, but I know it must have been so hard. Hugs.
I can totally relate, too.
I'm 41 and this is my last cycle that I can get pg and still deliver while still 41. It's been my personal deadline for a long time, I don't know what to do if it goes past this month.
DH is perfectly happy with 1 if that's how it turns out. I'm not there. At. All.
I can't change how I feel, that I *owe* DS a sibling, it's just how I feel, especially because we are older and I want him to have someone who's going to be around with him after we are gone.
At the same time, I worry about the hit it would take on our marriage after the hit DS took, we are just recovering.
Yet I still can't help but feel I will not get over this easily at all if we can't have another.
Secondary infertility sucks monkey balls, or we'd already have #2 and not worrying about me turning 42 in December.
I know what you mean. That's another thing I should add to my list too. It's not something I talk about a lot on here, but our marriage took a hit too. We had a rocky six months. To the point where my DH wanted counseling. We are in a good place right now (thank God), but another baby might put us right back there again. That hadn't crossed my mind. Hmmm...