Houston Babies

Grandparents and discipline

I know we've had this discussion before, but the grandparents just left our place, so it's fresh in my mind.

How much disciplining do the grandparents do with your kids? Are you okay with them doing more discipline at their house vs your house?  How do you handle it if the grandparent says no to something you generally allow?

And most of all, how in heavens name do you handle it if a grandparent is a constant and incessant nagger?

Re: Grandparents and discipline

  • His parents don't discipline Abbie, but my Mom tries to.  I think it's part that she's a control freak and part out of habit.  When we are at their house and I'll tell A to do something she normally always chimes in with "Abbie, listen to your Mommy" or if A says yes she'll pipe up with "it's yes ma'am."  Normally I just say Mom, I've got it and she'll back off.

    She spanked her once for not sitting at the table like she was told and I (surprisingly) very calmy told her she is not to ever again lay a hand on my child and if she needs to be disciplined she will come find me.  We haven't had that problem since.

    If they are babysitting then they are in charge.  They can do timeout, take away privledges, etc.  If anything happens that is beyond that then a phone call to me is the next step.

    Abbie Rose 9.26.2004
    Collin Thayne 10.11.2010
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  • For us, the issue will be that they'll let C do whatever he wants.

    So far, both follow the important rules that we've set.  But it bugs me that when we're sitting down for dinner the ILs constantly make faces and noises at DS - totally distracting and he ends up not eating.  I want to just scream "leave him alone!"

    With my mom/SD - they are guilty of letting him "sneak" in stuff we don't usually give him.  Sips of tea or ice cream and cookies.

    Both bug me equally, but in the grand scheme of things...I let it go.  It won't kill him.  If it is something that could harm him or royally screw up what we've taught him, I'd be more apt to put my foot down.

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  • I know we aren't there yet BUT

    I'll expect the grandparents to follow our rules when they are around us.  I will say MIL tries to give/allow my nephew to do things that my SIL has said no on.  I'll get pissed in a hurry if she does this to me.

    I fully expect things to be different when the kiddo is at Grandmas by herself.

     

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  • We've run into a lot of these problems. The making faces/talking to him while we're eating. Reminding him to eat. Telling him to eat. Talking to him about everyone else that is eating. Which ultimately results in him being distracted and eating even less than he would if she would just STFU.

    We've also had the issue of chiming in to "help" discipline. Basically just repeating exactly what I just said. So effing annoying. And we've dealt with the trying to discipline on things that we are ok with him doing. 

    Mostly it's been my MIL, just because my mom hasn't spent any huge amount of time here, and my dad has only been here for a total of about 30 hours and my FIL has only seen G twice in his life. DH usually handles it with her though, because that's his mom. I would handle it with my mom. Generally he just tells her that we're the parents, we'll handle the discipline and to STFU when we're at the table and not to distract him. 

    It's a tough spot to be in, especially when the grandparents live OOT. I feel your pain. 

     

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  • Obviously, we ran into this issue more when we still lived in Houston and she spent tons of time with her grandparents, but she was also younger then (we moved when she was 18 months) and didn't need as much discipline.

    Both sets of grandparents pretty much let her do whatever, and discipline her if she is doing something where she could get hurt. I am OK with that. In my mind, being with grandparents is a fun treat and we bend the rules for her (i.e. later bedtime, special/different snacks, etc).

    I will say she is also pretty much a totally different kid when she is with us vs. with her grandparents. She hardly even needs disciplining around them...at home, it's a whole other story. Oy.

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  • I'm convinced this is why DS screamed like a banshee for 1/2 an hour Friday night after our long drive.  I had high hopes of changing him drowsy and putting him right back down.

    Having an andience at midnight during said diaper change wasn't idea.  As a result my kid was fully awake and did not want to go back to sleep.  I wanted to scream.

  • imagekreeper611:

    For us, the issue will be that they'll let C do whatever he wants.

    So far, both follow the important rules that we've set.  But it bugs me that when we're sitting down for dinner the ILs constantly make faces and noises at DS - totally distracting and he ends up not eating.  I want to just scream "leave him alone!"

    With my mom/SD - they are guilty of letting him "sneak" in stuff we don't usually give him.  Sips of tea or ice cream and cookies.

    Both bug me equally, but in the grand scheme of things...I let it go.  It won't kill him.  If it is something that could harm him or royally screw up what we've taught him, I'd be more apt to put my foot down.

    That's our issue but only with my family. My IL's are great and will discipline but we following the same guidelines. 

    It's to the point that I hate leaving my kids with my mom and aunt because it takes me a couple of days to undo the damage. It's stressful. I try to handle it well in front of everyone but behind the scenes it drives me crazy! Just yesterday Reagan asked at my mom's if she could watch cartoons and I told her no that she had already watched some that morning. My mom told her that if I wasn't there that she could have. Unnerving. 

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  • imagekreeper611:

    For us, the issue will be that they'll let C do whatever he wants.

    So far, both follow the important rules that we've set.  But it bugs me that when we're sitting down for dinner the ILs constantly make faces and noises at DS - totally distracting and he ends up not eating.  I want to just scream "leave him alone!"

    With my mom/SD - they are guilty of letting him "sneak" in stuff we don't usually give him.  Sips of tea or ice cream and cookies. (this is my ILs - especially SIL)

    Both bug me equally, but in the grand scheme of things...I let it go.  It won't kill him.  If it is something that could harm him or royally screw up what we've taught him, I'd be more apt to put my foot down.

    What she said. 

  • My MIL falls into the nagger spectrum. Or rather, she gives long drawn out explanations that a freaking ONE yo has no chance of understanding. I swear that DS gives her a look that just says "WTF lady? I have no idea what you're saying but you say it a LOT".

    But in general she is good with them and they love her, so I let it go. I know her ways didn't seem to bother SS until he was about 9 and hey she's been doing it for 16+ years at this point so I have no chance of changing her.

    In front of DD we explained to Nana how timeout works and showed her the timer and the stairs where DD has to sit. Just knowing that Nana has that power is enough to keep DD in line.

    If MIL or my mom tries to tell them no to things I let them do, I just say "they're fine." and then if they don't listen I tend to repeat myself adn get louder each time.

    - Jena
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  • My mother will do only what we ask of her and doesn't stray outside the lines at all. The inlaws are both another story, they let him do anything and everything. At first I didn't mind so much because I know he enjoys being over there but I finally put my foot down! They were underminding everything DH and I were doing. MIL doesn't understand why I don't want DS to have crappy food; because, hello all 5 of your children won't touch veggies and fruit! There are plenty of health issues on both sides and I want him to learn early how to eat well. They are all overweight and I just really want to prevent DS from the same. They just do not understand!

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  • I almost wish we were on the over indulgent side, although I know that there are lots of issues that come with that.

    My MIL just doesn't really believe in letting kids be kids and it's very hard for me to witness and be around.  I guess thankfully (?) we don't see them much and I know if she continues to nag, the girls won't want to be around her as they get older.

  • When we aren't there they can discipline, but when we are present we discipline. MIL is a constant nagger so I have told her on more than one occasion to quit nagging him and she stops. I honestly feel that if we are there they don't need to but in, unless its a "don't touch this" or "this is hot" kind of thing.

  • Zero.  Both sets of grandparents think Ian can do no wrong.

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