Balancing both kids and failing
Ok this is going to be long.............
Jasper is now 11 months old and has been going through seperation anxiety since around 7 months old. It is only with me, and it is even when it is just him and Cam and I at home. Jasper seriously has to be touching me at all times. Wether or not its pulling on my legs while I'm in the kitchen whining, climbing on me when I'm in the living room etc etc etc. He is not napping well lately which I think is contributing to him being even more clingy.
He is at least 25 lbs and honestly is too big for me to wear for an extended period of time...
I literally get NO break from Jasp, Cameron is good 90 % of the day, but then wants me to do things with him and its tough to with Jasper attached to me, or I'm just in a crappy mood. Then I snap at Cameron, then he acts out, cycle, cycle, cycle. Major mommy guilt.
I started to cry at least 3 times today. I have no time by myself, I have no time without Jasper, I have no time with Cameron. I NEVER , ever dealt with this with Cam. So ideas please........... and honestly don't say " it'll pass sooner or later ".
I'm feeling like a huge failure, thanks for reading
Re: Balancing both kids and failing
Hugs!!
I'm not going through exactly the same thing, but both kids always NEED me to put them to bed. Ethan screams if it's DH. Emmy insists that its me. Some days I try to just deal with Ethan screaming, he does go down when DH puts him down, it just takes longer and I have to suffer through it. Maybe have DH try some Jasp and Daddy time.
Another thing, Emmy insists every few days that we have Mommy and Emmy time so we lock ourselves in a room to play a game or whatever for 20-30 min, we have to deal with Ethan crying at the door, bummed he can't join us, but I know it's good for her to have our time. Hubby tries to distract him which works maybe 50% of the time.
All I can say is if you're willing to deal with some crying I'd try to get some Cam and Mommy time and leave Jasp with DH. I know weather is bad, so sometimes my Emmy time is we head to the grocery store or library or whatever just her and I so I'm getting things done and it's just the two of us. Or sometimes I send hubby with Ethan to store or on errands so we have time alone at home. And if he's ambitious, I'd send hubby with both kids somewhere for a few minutes of you time. Good luck!!
Huge hugs, Mel. It's brutal. We've gone through and continue to go through this with Sam, and I wish I had a solution for you. I just try to hard to distract him, either by giving him a toy or something to play with or just a bowl of crackers so I can detach myself for 30 seconds.
I also agree with trying to get your DH to have as much 1-on-1 time with Jasp as possible. We'll sometimes divide and conquer our errands on a Saturday morning, and Will and I will go grocery shopping while DH and Sam go to Costco or something like that. And at some point we are going to try to transition DH to doing Sam's bedtime so I can (finally!) wean him, but who knows when that's really going to happen.
Good luck - I hope you get some free time soon!
I agree with the others that you'll have to get DH involved. Take cam out on your own. Jasp may very well cry the whole time you're gone...but DH can deal with that.
About "me time"...you have to MAKE time for it. You can't wait for it to be given to you. That is one thing I have learned. Our dynamic is different, because DH is gone so much, but I tell him i want dinner out with friends and he lets me know when is good. On the reverse side, I encourage him to go out with his friends as well.
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It's hard! Nate is older (16months) and will play on his own briefly. But he throws a fit if anyone else wants to hold him/play with him. He will play with DH if I'm in the room or GONE.
I have a couple of saving graces, that may or may not be an option:
1.I go to the gym (childwatch) and while he throws a fit when I Ieave, he always stops within minutes once I leave and is always fine.
2.I leave for at least an hour during naptime on the weekends. I shop, run errands, whatever, but I leave the house. That way I don't care how long he sleeps and if he cries for me....I don't see it and DH deals with it and by the time I get home....everyone is fine!
3.I spend a lot of time teaching Owen and Nate how to play together. I took a workshop on this awhile ago and while it's been a slow and painful process....they are starting to actually play nicely together. For SHORT periods of time, but it gives me a moment to pee, do dishes or sit down.
4. I let Owen lead our playtime when N is napping....that way he feels like he get's my full attention. It's a lot of chase, hide and seek or pirates (none of which do I love) but he does and he always transitions better when N does wake up if we've been doing what he wanted for the past 30 minutes!
Big hugs!
Thanks everyons for the ideas and thoughts.
The funny thing is Jasper is TOTALLY fine when I drop him off at daycare 2x a week. He is great with dh as long as I am not there in visual. As soon as he sees me or hears me he wants me. With dh's work schedule its tough during the week. He doesn't cry when I'm not around, he cries when I am there and I'm not holding him or in direct contact..........
Aw this made me so sad...Its so hard and I totally get it. Especially the getting drained by younger one...snapping on older one....feeling guilty cycle.
How bad is the seperation anxiety after yuo leave? Like can you take him somewhere and leave him and have one on one with Cameron? What about switching off time with Daddy? Thats our goal for the weekend. I have found even a 20 min walk with just one kid makes a HUGE difference for all of us.
Also sometimes he just needs to cry and you need to do your best to ignore (so easier said then done right) Sounds like he is worse than JOnathan...but sometimes he settles after a few minutes of being manic...
ALso on bad days we do a lot of books since thats easy to do with both kids. Do you have a backyard? That helps me stay sane too...and parks and playdates....
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I agree, maybe you can just try to start leaving him somewhere he can see you but not touch you for several minutes at a time and then make it longer and longer.
Or spray hot pepper all over yourself or skunk spray (JUST KIDDING!!!!!).