Advice on separation anxiety/daycare (LONG)
decaturbride
member
It started last June and it was BAD! DH couldn't talk to Owen without him crying. If I walked across the room, he would totally loose it. We started daycare in July, which was great timing! 
The transition was really hard for Owen, then it started to get a little better. He always cries when we drop him off but he stopped crying all day and started to talk about his teachers and friends. So yay! Well, daycare wasn't working out so well for DH and I. We had several reasons and thought we should try someplace new. Plus, Owen started fighting us in the morning as soon as we would start dressing him. Crying, Screaming, "No school, no school! I do not go to school!" All the way to the car and drop off. We really wondered if something had happened to him or changed to make him so unhappy.
In January we switched to a new daycare. Same stuff, the mornings and drop off are heartbreaking. A lot of afternoons he would be crying waiting for us to get him. They say he doesn't cry during the day, but it is killing me thinking he is so miserable all day. Besides this, DH and I aren't overly impressed with this one either. You just don't get a warm, fuzzy feeling from his teachers. He almost never talks about his teachers, classmates, things he does there. When I try to talk to his teachers and ask about his day, I get a " He did great." That's all. So I feel like I have no idea what his day is like. They don't do daily sheets for 2 year olds. We don't know if we should give it more time, look for another nanny, try to get on wait list or beg our way into another daycare. The other two we would rather go to didn't have spots in January,but they said to check back in March and maybe this summer he could get in.
Even at home, he wants me all the time! He will play with DH for maybe 30 minutes, if he is in a good mood, then its all back to Mommy. DH can never put him to bed if I'm home. I know he crys and calls for me if I'm gone on a trip and happen to call at bedtime. We are trying to start DH doing bath and me bed so I have a moment to do something else and DH gets some time after he gets home from work. So far this has been a giant FAIL. Bath is just a crying fit.The separation anixiety confuses me. I know it is a normal stage, but I'm surprised it is lasting so long. I have always worked 2-3 days a week since he was 4 months old. I have had to do some overnight trips also. So this is nothing new. What can I do to help him get over this?It is sweet but exhausting to be loved SO much. 
And WWYD about daycare? I don't want to keep switching him all over since there is no guarantee he will like any place any better than the current one. I also don't want to miss signs that he is unhappy and its just not the right place for him. Maybe my expectations are too high for daycare since we had a nanny that we loved so much. I wish there were some black/white answers instead of all of this grey/unknowingness. Thanks for any advice and just for reading all of this!
Re: Advice on separation anxiety/daycare (LONG)
Well for us, Bailey has been at an inhome daycare since april 2010. I was so not for inhome daycares until I started working part time and just didn't certain days whcih a center couldn't do. NOW I love our inhome daycare. It's been the best thing every. Bailey has learned from the older kids and he gets more one on one then he did at his center. It's been a huge win win for us. With that said, Bailey yesterday for the first time didn't cry when I dropped him off. The kid cried every morning I dropped him off but within 5 minutes she said he was fine. He does the same thing at the church nursery on sundays. It drives me crazy but the kid is fine within a few minutes. It's like he has to make me have a little guilty trip every time I leave him. I just keep pushing through. I know his inhome daycare and even his church nursery people love him. You might want to check out some inhome daycares since that seems to be more of what you want (that more one on one).
That is a long time for a separation anxiety phase. Have you discussed it with your pedi? Not that I think its a sign of anything being wrong, but just maybe they might have some more insight. I know its really hard but consistency is best and when he cries for you, don't give in. Ever. Because every time you do, you are just reinforcing that crying gets him his way. I think you are totally doing the right thing by having DH take over part of his bedtime routine. He's going to resist any change at first (and he may just be a kid that has a really long adjustment phase), but eventually, that will become normal to him.
And as for daycare, he is probably crying when you get there b/c he sees other kids parents come before you and it reminds him that you aren't there. Gavin does this sometimes too. Gavin has also had phases where he doesn't want to go to daycare. Part of it is not wanting to get up in the morning and part of it is wanting to play with us all day. He doesn't understand that we go to work while he's at school. In his mind, we are sitting at home watching Mickey Mouse and playing Angry Birds without him! If you really have concerns about the center itself or his teacher, you have to address that but you don't necessarily have to switch centers yet. We also get a lot of "he did great" but then I push them for more info. I ask specific questions about how he's doing with his letters/numbers and is he making friends? I've found that gets the teachers to stop and think and really tell me what's going on and what we need to work on at home. Also, it tells them what my concerns are so that the next day they can really focus on working with him instead of just letting him do his own thing. Because Gavin is really good at doing his own thing... to his own detriment.
But no daily sheet is a deal breaker for me at any age. That is something that I expect to be full of useful information and at least somewhat unique to my kid. At our old daycare, the daily sheet had gotten less and less informative to the point that there was no point in even having one. I was resentful every single time I got it out of his cubby b/c there was nothing useful on it pertaining to what/how he ate, potty training, or participation. Gavin's new daycare has a VERY detailed daily sheet. Sure, it's generic for all the kids as far as activities, but it has check boxes to show which activities he participated in. If he doesn't participate in 3 or more activities, I know somethings wrong. He's sick or tired or something. It has potty times and a section for lunch (they were better about filling in that section in his last classroom, though) and they have a section for them to share Gavin's "special moment" of the day (see my coconut post). This shows me that they are paying attention to him and they do share what is going on. I know you don't want to keep changing daycares- that is a lot of adjusting. So I would talk to this one and ask why they don't do daily sheets?
Sorry I have no good advice on the daycare bit. Honestly, I couldn't take it so I went with the nanny instead. I am going to have Adam go to a MMO program in the fall for 2 days a week to help be around other children, but I love having the nanny. Some kids do great, but Adam just seemed to need a little more one on one time than I felt he got at daycare.
I do have one idea about the bedtime/bath routine. Try having your husband change up the routine a little and do something special that only he does. I actually had the other issue that my son only wanted Daddy to do it. We did bublles in the bathtime when Mommy gives a bath. It was small, but worked great with my 18 month old. Then Daddy still does PJs and puts him to bed. I think creating something a little special with the other person helped it not be such a big deal to him.