long rant. Mom not talking to me bc I want VBAC.

changingnames · March 2011

My mom and I are not talking because I am pursuing a hypnobirth/VBAC and she wants me to have a c-section. Yup. It has been building up for a few weeks with her calling to tell me about this horror story or that and it came to a head a few days ago when I told her I canceled the appointment with the nurse practitioner she wants me to see.

I have a bladder condition called Interstitial Cystitis- I have consulted with my doctors as well as contacting the ICNetwrok and talking to other women online with my condition and with a physical therapist who specializes in treating women with my condition especially pregnant ones. Universally they say I could get worse with a c-section or I could get worse with a VBAC- studies show absolutely no difference in outcomes dependant on type of birth- some get better, others get worse, and some stay the same after birth. So I have to make my choice without considering my condition and my choice is to try a hypnobirth with the full support of my OB.

My mom has told me my hips are too small, I'm going to have an episiotomy and most recently that I will be incontinent. Apparently my aunt met a nurse practitioner in her jewelry shop and told her about my condition and that I am having a VBAC and this woman told her I should not do it My mother met someone at her hs renuion who has a daughter with my condition who has seen this nurse. So she has been nagging me to see her and I caved and made an appointment, then she asked me every week when it was and finally I said I canceled it, she started crying and she lost her sh!t. "You never do anything I want you to do" and a whole bunch of other stuff- she said if I didn't want her in my life she could just leave. This is of course when she is supposed to be babysitting my toddler so I can go to my OB appt. I told her to leave then and I am happy to reschedule my appointment. She accused me of being like her step daughter who pushed her out of her life when my mom had a really bad broken leg (right now she has a bad sprain and she claims it is exactly the same). (intresting to note both step daughters have pushed her out of their lives and she is working on daughter number three.

I could go on and on and tell you how I had to stop talking to her in my last pregnancy bc she was being so ridiculous that the nnurses (I was on hospital bedrest) told me to stop taking her calls bc of my blood pressure.

userdeleted · March 2011

I'm very sorry that your mom isn't being supportive.

I think it might be for the best that you're not talking right now. She is your mother and loves you, and wants the best for you I'm sure, but it doesn't seem like she's really learned how to step back as you grow up and have your own children. You guys need to have some boundaries, and she needs to learn to respect your opinion. Maybe some time apart can help you both figure out how to move forward into a more adult relationship. It's really too bad it has to happen at such an emotional time in your life though. ((hugs)) Just keep listening to your doctors and other medical support.

iris427 · March 2011

I have IC too. It's not really factoring into my VBAC decision and my OB doesn't see it as a reason for a cesarean at all. And for that matter, neither did the OB who did my primary cesarean. I do have a few worries about having a vaginal birth and my pelvic pain issues from the IC. But bladders can get damaged during c-sections and you can have issues like adhesions from the surgery. So I figure it's a wash in terms of IC and VBAC is overall safer for me.

I also have a family member who has made comments about me not being able to have a vaginal birth because of my hip size. It stings and part of me hates the thought of having a RCS just because that person will be proven "right" in their eyes. But I try not to think about it like that because that's giving them too much power.

I think it's probably for the best that you're not talking to your mother right now. She sounds like she has serious control issues and you don't need the stress right now. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but try to just focus on enjoying the rest of your pregnancy and being in a positive place. GL.

MAprincess · March 2011

I agree that it is unfortunate but a clear boundary issue. I mean, you never do anything she wants you to do? That is just insane to me. I think we all have a story or two about how our parents had a hard time letting us be adults. My mother was supportive of me having a VBAC but she was NOT supportive of me choosing a midwife to VBAC with. She generally knows to keep her mouth shut when I have made up my mind but she did let it slip once that she thought that if I were going to deliver with a midwife I may as well deliver alone in an alley. But that is just because she has not educated herself on midwives and her generation has different thoughts on the matter. Regardless, she knew she wasn't going to change my mind.

I think it is best to distance yourself for now and when things settle, maybe try to have a calm conversation with her about it. Tell her that there are always horror stories of things going wrong (including with RCS) and that you have done quite a bit of research and explain to her why your decision is the right one for you.

By the way, I am surprised she has found so many people who have your condition- I have never heard of it! And, if she were my mother, I'd ask her to quit blabbing about my medical history all over town.

changingnames · March 2011

First things first- the kids above are exceptionally beautiful. Seriously gorgeous. Each of your posts had some really good advice or made me smile so thank you for all of your support. You are all correct in that it is best if I just take a step away from my mom right now. It is tough because she lives next door and she and my Dad are accustomed to just stopping in. She had one of these outbursts over the holidays and I told her she needs to call before coming over but of course she doesn't. A few months before that she had an outburst and I asked her to calm herself because my son was in earshot to which she stomped her foot and started crying then ran out of the house but not before she tried to hug my toddler and he pushed her away. He only started saying her name and hugging her a few weeks ago- he is very affectionate to everyone else and has been saying their names for nearly a year. Maybe I need to go back to therapy and make her come in for a session with me and lay down the law- you call before coming over, you don't call me without a reason, you stay away when you are having an episode.

Iris- if you ever want to chat with a fellow ICer I would love to talk to someone who may be going thru some similar issues. If you haven't already, Icontacted the ICN and they confirmed that it is a total wash in terms of pain after birth whether you have a CS or vaginal birth. They sent me the results of a study. Of course my mom refuses to look at the study. She had a CS and by golly that is the only way I should do it.(according to her).

MAPrincess- oh boy. I can see my mom saying this too. She told me she didn't want her grandkid being born in a tub because he might drowned. I know they come from a different generation and really I try to be aware of that but how about a little research before you go jumping down our throats? I can't count the number of times I have asked her to stop blabbing about everything me related but she simply has nothing else in her life to talk about so it all just comes out.

At least she can't make the walk up the hill to our place with the cast on her foot.

preg_amy · March 2011

My mom has IC. Watching her go through it gives me great respect for anyone with it. I don't think IC reacts as "rationally" as your mother thinks it does. My mom will do things sometimes (obviously they don't compare to childbirth, but this is where my knowledge lies), and she'll think it will make her have a bad bladder day... and it won't. And there are times she won't do anything and it will be horrible. I don't think there's anything about IC that makes sense.

Also, if you do the hypnobirthing, you won't have to have a catheter. With a c/s, you'd have to have one and I know my mom takes a really long time to recover from having one. I don't know if everyone reacts the same way as she does.

But I think it's really crazy that your mom has such a strong opinion on your birth choices. I think I would majorly be avoiding her. I would have a big discussion with her about how she needs to keep her thoughts on your health to herself, otherwise, you can't talk to her.

rowanthefrog · March 2011

I'm so sorry that your mom is acting like that. I've been getting some flack from my MIL about trying VBAC too (though not quite so bad) and its frustrating. I mean, isn't a episiotomy and incontinence a risk for ANY vaginal birth? And how in the world does she know your hips are too small?!?!

I'm actually doing the same as you - hypnobirthing VBAC.

I know you have researched your decision thoroughly and made the best decision for you and its hard to tune out the people who won't stand by you. Give it some time and space. Hopefully, at the very least, once the baby is here (hopefully by successful VBAC) your mom will realize that you made the right decision.

A

iris427 · March 2011

changingnames:

Iris- if you ever want to chat with a fellow ICer I would love to talk to someone who may be going thru some similar issues. If you haven't already, Icontacted the ICN and they confirmed that it is a total wash in terms of pain after birth whether you have a CS or vaginal birth. They sent me the results of a study. Of course my mom refuses to look at the study. She had a CS and by golly that is the only way I should do it.(according to her).

I'm always happy to chat about this. My IC is fairly mild compared to a lot of people's, but I still have some real challenges with it. If you want to talk, send me an email at nest.iris427 at gmail.com. I never check bump PMs and they have some privacy glitches so I think email is easier.

It sounds like your mom might have some unresolved issues from her own c/s?

changingnames · March 2011

The "irrational" as you put it nature of IC is something that is really difficult for people to understand. I know I have freinds and family memebrs that think I am just being a PITA when I say I can't eat red tomatoe sauce but another day they see me eating a fresh yellow tomatoe. Or just flat out some days I can get away with something (like eating strawberries) where another day it will make me sick and I know it. Or that sometimes just being in a car is really painful for me (every bump in the road hurts) and on another day I can take it. It makes it even more difficult I think.

Avoiding the catheter is a huge plus for me. Being cathe'd usually lands me in bed for 24-48 hours even if it is just to put numbing solution in. If your mom hasn't tried this ask for a child size cath. This makes a huge differnce for me and I will refuse anything larger. There is also something called a low fric cath that I have't tried. The child size really makes a differnce, depending on the doctor they may tell you that they can't use one for this or that reason but they can- it just takes them a little longer to push the fluids into you so that is laziness on their part. I used to carry a supply of child sized in my car- how sad is that? LOL. You know you have a winner when your boyfriend holds the cath in you bc your doctor is too lazy and is refusing to use the child size.

My mom has been callikng me (I haven't been picking up) and my dad has been trying to guilt me into coming over but as I told him it is too physically and emotionally taxing for me to do that right now. I did send DH down with our son so she coudl see him. I'm not trying to punish her or take him away but I just can't put myself in this situation anymore. I'm sure she would apologize at this point but to what end?

Will she had another tantrum before the birth? Will she be mean when we bring the baby home? After 5 weeks on bedrest and bringig our baby home from the NICU (though he was really very healthy) she told me not to let the nurse come over to our house (some brining home baby program where they come check new moms and wiegh the baby) becasue if they saw how messy the house was they would take him away. Who says that? There were dishes in the sink and clean laundry covering the couch, a couple of boxes in a stack in the office but certainly nothing CPS worthy. It was vaccumed and dusted and just fine. But this is what she is like and I never know when she is going to swing from helpful to horrible.

My IC is pretty bad- I've had it for 15 years and it has been resitant to just about every known treatment as well as the studies I have been in. At this point all I can do is treat the pain and avoid foods and activities that make it worse. But for the people who are also going thru this hey maybe we will be a lucky one and go into remission as a result fo the birth. ONe of the doctor's told me she finds vaginal births to sort of relax the tight pelvic muscles that often accompany IC and sometimes ladies are in a much better place and stay there. Last time I had a good three months of feeling better than I had in a decade, so here's hoping.

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long rant. Mom not talking to me bc I want VBAC.

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