New the the board---Help (very long)
I am new on this board. Me and DH have been married since Oct, at which point we conceived this little bundle of joy I am carrying. I have a 5 yr old daughter. I was with her father for 5 years on and off. The relationship was very abusive. After I left him he went through a period where he would tell my daughter that I was a whore, a slut, and horrible mother. It got to the point where he was not allowed at my place because he attempted to break the door down of my apartment, I was then forced to move because he continued to stalk me. I moved with my mother and all contact with him and my daughter went through his mother. Then when he would have her he would say I am not bringing her back you will never see her again, etc. I would in turn freak out because I have really just made it up in my mind that he is nuts. He disappeared for a while then resurfaced over the summer, nothing consistent maybe once a month and didn't really make too much noise and things seemed to be going well with not too much drama.
My daughter started Kindergarten this year and I enrolled her in school. When I completed the forms for the pickup list I did not include him because at this point he had not been active. But all of a sudden he has started going up to the school 3 times a week sometimes more. My DH and I go to the school too just to sit in on the class and to help out sometimes. The teacher was completely caught off guard when he started coming to the school and they asked if it was ok for him to come up there. So I told them that was fine, but he is absolutely not permitted to take her from school unless I send a note or call confirming before hand.
She talked to him on the phone not long ago and asked if he could pick her up from school. Now mind you, she is the one that told me that he was going to pick her up and not once did he ask me or say anything to me referencing this. So I called and asked if he talked to her about that, he told me that he had because she wanted him to pick her up. At that point I told him that he can not make those kinds of plans with a 5 yr old, he needs to talk to me about that first. I also advised him that he would need to let me know so I could let her the school know that she would not be on her regular routine. He lost it, he flew off the handle and said " I bet you n@#*& doesn't have to have special permission to pick her up. I her f'ing father, and proceeded to call me all kinds of names. Then he followed up with I'm just not going to deal with her until she is older and I'm going to tell her what a b @#$* you are for not letting me see her. So I ended the convo with this is the way it is, if you want to get her from school you need to let me know end of discussion. I am her custodial parent and I'm not about to play these games. I told him if he wanted to set up specific day throughout the week to get her that was fine. I told him her schedule of dance and other activities that she has to attend after school. His response was no I can't make this a set thing becuase sometimes I have to work. ( He owns his own busines) but whatever.
After school my DD goes to my mothers house until I get off of work. So he calls my mother and asks her if he can come to her house to do homework with DD after school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My mother without talking to me about it agreed to the arrangement. Which wasn't that big of a deal for me considering she gets to the house by 4 and I don't get off until 5 most time 5:30 so our paths wouldn't have a need to cross. I told my mother I do not want any contact with him considering when I was preg with DD, he chased me in my car threatened to beat my ass and I ended up going into labor at 20 weeks with her. In the hospital for 8 weeks on total bedrest and had her at 28 weeks. Its a miracle that she is even alive. I am now preg again and am automatically considered high risk. I have a cerclage and I have to take weekly injections as well. I do not want to chance anything with this baby and anything sets him off. He has been calling my phone leaving love song on my voicemail, etc and its creepy. The arrangement was that he was to be there around 4 and be gone before I get off. She is in kindergarten and her homework literally takes about 45 minutes if that long to do. I have been getting to my mom's at around 5:45 closer to 6 and he has still been there. Just relaxing as if that is his house or something. This is literally the only time that he sees her. I offered for him to have her one night out of the week and every other weekend. No go, everytime he gets her he brings her right back but he will sit at my moms house for hours. He does not have a visitation or nor does he pay a dime in child support. Everytime he sees her he questions her and asks her if someone is touching her or doing anything to her, he told her that I won't protect her from anyone, and that she does not have to listen to me. Over the past few weeks I have seen my sweet baby transform into a child I don't even know. After my mom told him he needs to be gone before I get there, she tells him "you don't have to leave just because my mommy says, you can do what you want to." She talks back, when I tell her to do something she doesn't do it, and she has started saying really mean things to my husband who she has adored up to this point. He does not have any children but he treats her like she is his, and has stepped up to be that father figure in her life that she needs. I have had to correct her on several occasions to let her know that kind of behavior will not be tolerated at my house.
Now it seems that she gets punished more and more at home and when she sees him, he gives gifts of candy and small toys. So to her I'm always the bad one and he comes off looking like a superhero. Now she thinks that when she sees people she is supposed to get something and everyone owes her something. I feel like I am losing the battle and my baby. I want to tell him that until he takes me to court he can't see her but I don't konw how to explain that to her. I'm terrified that she will grow up hating me and will never understand once he puts his warped twist on the situation. I know that this needs to be resolved before this baby comes, I would really prefer that he not be at my mothers house period because that is where my DS will be as well once he is born. I have worked with a domestic violence organization before and they have counseling for children, I have thought about sending her there but I am ultimately just confused as to what to do...HELP any suggestions are welcome.
Re: New the the board---Help (very long)
I was tracking with you up until the point where you offered to let him take her for a night. What?!?!
If I were in your shoes, I would immediately work on getting a court order that limits his visitation time to daytime hours only, no overnights, and I would make sure all the threats, domestic violence, stalking, harassing etc. were documented.
This!
This man sounds DANGEROUS. Why on earth are you letting HIM choose when he can see your daughter? Why are you offering to let him see her unsupervised when he has threatened to take her from you and not return her (before)? You SEE the negative changes he is having on her....why on earth have you not gone to court to put some boundaries in place to protect her AND yourself?
Your way of thinking still seems bassackwards to me. You'd deny him visitation with his daughter because of HER attitude but not because he's abusive?
Honey, people in blended families deal with this all the time - heck we deal with it in our household because I'm the hammer, he's the fun dad.
That you're brushing off his dangerous nature is alarming.
It's time to take the hardline. You must protect your child from her father. You need to stop any and all non court ordered visitation. You can't trust your mother to even throw the bum out when it's pick up time for your DD, she obviously doesn't have much supervision over him either. So it's time for a come to jesus talk w/ her that he cannot be allowed to interact w/ DD and if she won't agree it's time for new afterschool care arrangements.
You need to take the make me approach. He wants time with her you say make me. He will need to file for visitation and go through the courts. And if that means he gets immediately held in contempt of court b/c he's not paying Child Support. If that means he needs to get a paternity test to prove he is the legal and biological father to this child. AND if that means you need to get a lawyer DO IT.
Yes, get your child in counseling through the domestic violence. Make some rules and consequences for the child in your home to put a stop to the unwanted behaviors.
ALL of this.
Julylove, I'm on your side. I'm sure you want to protect your daughter. I can't believe you allowed visitation without a court order. Just to prepare you, a judge may not look very favorably on your attempt to stop visitation now that you've allowed it so much already voluntarily.
I stress the domestic violence for two reasons: ONE because it's serious, scary, and his nature will never change, and TWO because if you want to protect your daughter and you go to court telling the judge you want his visitation limited because your daughter gets sassy with you after visiting her father, you will not be listened to. You need to emphasize the domestic violence and his threats and behavior towards you. He is not a person you want around not just you, but your daughter, for HER safety. Please, go to court, ask for supervised visitation and no overnights, and please ask because of the dv, not her attitude.