How to train your husband... ?? — The Bump
Success after IF

How to train your husband... ??

I swear this surrogacy is making me so nervous. Every time I think about leaving my girls for 4-5 days, I tear up and I rarely ever cry so that says a little something. My only consolation is that my girls adore my Mom and I figured she'd offer to stay with the girls during the day while DH is at work.

Well, scrap that. 

My mom mentioned today that she'll be at a conference while I'm out east so not only will DH have to take off work for this, but he has no clue how to care for our girls. AND he may have a disaster recovery project to manage so he might not be able to even be at home on those days. Ana will only stay with DH or my Mom without crying the entire time.

:: pulling my hair out ::

I don't have a lot of control over when we do this transfer. It's one of the few things that contractually I have to go along with.

I have until March 30th. HOW DO I TRAIN MY HUSBAND TO CARE FOR OUR GIRLS and not lose patience with them, send them to his wacko mothers house in the evenings or take his eyes off of them for more than 5 minutes? (He gets bored easily so I envision him hopping on the computer or getting engrossed in TV. 

I should give him more credit but I'm already upset about leaving and now I'm worried about who I'm leaving them with. DH has SO many great qualities. Caring for our children just happens to not be one of them. help. 

Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen

Re: How to train your husband... ??

  • Well... .the good news is that they're older and they're probably way more flexible than you give them credit for.  It's unlikely that he's gonna permanently scar them.

    My recommendation would be that you start now leaving him alone with them - preferably in the middle of the day so he can experience things like feeding them lunch and getting them down for naps.

    Take some time off.  Get a massage, read a magazine at a coffee house, grocery shop with no little people to juggle.

    Honestly?  This could be the BEST thing to happen to you guys in a long time.

    He'll step up when he has to.  There will be no other choice.

    And - your assignment is to let all the little things go when he's alone with and caring for them.  Chances are he's not gonna do things the way you would like but as long as it's not life threatening bite your tongue.

    I'll bet this is less about him not being capable and more about him never having needed to step up his game.

     

    Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
    Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
  • This is going to sound AWFUL...but here it is nonetheless.

    If they are alive when you get home, then he succeeded in his duties.  Seriously. 

    Anytime my DH takes care of Caroline, which is rare, I'm thrilled if she is in one piece when I get home.  He doesn't do things like I do them, and that's okay.  As long as he feeds her, changes her diaper, and keeps her safe...well, I just don't care about the rest.  Her clothes won't match, her hair will be a mess, her face won't be clean, her meals will be wonky...well, I could go on and on. 

    Seriously, as long as he has the basics, they'll be fine.  Just stress safety, and watching them all the time...and he'll do fine. 

     

  • I totally agree that this could be the best thing for all of you.  Give him lots of opportunities, at different times of the day, to handle flying solo.  He's not going to get the hang of breakfast/bath time/bedtime, etc. until he is given the opportunity.  And, like pp said, have very low expectations about the *way* things are done.  He's not going to do it your way, and likely, the house will be a disaster when you get home.  Remind yourself that you've had months (years!) to get a routine down where you can actually take care of the girls *and* accomplish anything around the house.  As long as the girls are happy, safe, and healthy when you get home, it's a job well-done.
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  • Good advice, thanks!

    I don't care about house work, whether their clothes match... any of that. 

    What I'm most concerned about is their sense of security. Will they feel safe? Will he cuddle them when they miss mom or feel scared? Etc. 

    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
  • I'm emailing you. (I got NOTHING going on those dates, honey, lol)

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  • image Mrs.Reem:

    What I'm most concerned about is their sense of security. Will they feel safe? Will he cuddle them when they miss mom or feel scared? Etc. 

    I get this fear.  From someone who has never left her girls for a night (with the exception of my c-section with the twins), I completely understand where you're coming from.  I was sick at the thought of leaving Ava for four nights while I was in the hospital -- and she didn't even visit me there, because it was just too much for her and she would get upset when I couldn't go home with her.  But, she made it through just fine.  I think of all the moms who travel for work (or pleasure!), and their kids adjust to it.  And they'll be with Daddy, not a stranger or even an extended relative.  The days will fly by, and you can skype!

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  • Good points Jill :) You're right. Maybe it's me that's insecure about it. Not them.  lol! They'll probably have the time of their lives eating from the peanut butter jar, etc.  Wink
    Nobody said life would be easy. Just that it would be worth it.

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    My cooking blog: Pickle Mom's Kitchen
  • image Mrs.Reem:

    Good advice, thanks!

    I don't care about house work, whether their clothes match... any of that. 

    What I'm most concerned about is their sense of security. Will they feel safe? Will he cuddle them when they miss mom or feel scared? Etc. 

    We're going away for our first trip without the babies right after their first birthday. My parents will be taking care of them, but I still worry that they'll miss us too much. Or maybe we'll miss them too much. :)

    good luck!

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