Feeling like crap today..
PLD (Pepe LeDouche for those of you that missed that post), hasn't even tried contacting me, or asked about DS since we left. It's really bumming me out. All I want right now is for him to be a good dad, and to show an interest in being involved in C's life. And apparently his homewrecking girlfriend is way more important.
I just don't get it. What makes someone want to completely walk out of their child's life like that? I could barely spend the day away from DS without missing him. How the heck is PLD doing it? I'm looking at the rest of C's life without his dad in it, and it makes me so sad. He's going to be one of "those kids" who comes from a single parent home, and statistically does worse in school, and has more emotional problems or something like that. It's breaking my heart, because even at 6 months, it is glaringly obvious that C loves his dad. And even as young as he is, I think he misses him. I wanted so much better for C, and I'm beating myself up needlessly for not being able to give him the best dad.
I'm sure my PPD is not helping matters at all. Even being medicated hasn't fixed that, especially with everything else that's going on. At least once a day I'm curled up in a ball sobbing my heart out.
Also not helping is my mom, who we are staying with for the next week or so, who keeps telling me that the reason C isn't sleeping well at night is because I don't have him on a schedule, and our bedtime routine is crap. She blames everything on my parenting style. And every morning when she sees C has slept with me, she harps on about how horrible it is and how I'm ruining him. Honestly, if I had to sleep in the bed by myself, I would be so miserable. I'm so lonely. I'm still not making enough milk to keep him satisfied. Oh, and I'm royally failing at school because I can't seem to keep myself focused.
I am so stressed out and frustrated. I don't even know what to do. I know it can't rain all the time, but right now I'm having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Re: Feeling like crap today..
::sigh:: I've been trying to make contact with him. But he doesn't return calls or texts at all. My mom usually is a support system but right now she just keeps railing me for all of my parenting choices and is making me feel even worse. I'm glad I got away from PLD but at the same time I'm upset that I really didn't have anywhere to go where people were sympathetic and could help me through this instead of making me feel like a failure as a parent.
When PLD does make contact, it's going to go like this: He needs to lay out whether or not he actually wants to be in C's life, and if he does, he needs to see a counselor himself, with me, and remove distractions til we get our family situation stable. And when he does bring someone else into the mix, it needs to be the RIGHT person, not just some random hooker from work who was the first person to show interest. He's been so selfish. I don't understand it at all. I'm sure eventually he's going to snap out of it, but by then C may very well not even remember who he is. That makes me so sad.
I really have nothing valuable to say except that you know how to contact me if you need a friend.
((hugs))
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I just want to say you and your DS are in my thoughts and I hope things get better soon. I really hope your ex gets his stuff together soon for the sake of your son.
Definitely try to relax (I know that is really difficult to do right now) and your supply will come back. In the meantime, remember, you are the mama here and it is your decision on how you raise your son. Try to have confidence in yourself and your parenting abilities and politely ignore your mother's comments. Is there anyway you can talk with her and let her know her comments are hurtful and let her know you really need her support and encouragement right now? I hope you have some other support right now, I know you need it and remember, you have your Bump "friends"!
I'm sorry, I know this has been a hard journey so far. And to make it worse you have a long way to go. I can't imagine how stressful this has all been. Hold on tight and know one day things will get better and you will be stronger for it all.
I would not even worry about PLD. HE is the one missing out, not you. And I REALLY hate saying this, but maybe DS is not missing out as much as you probably feel he will. A loving dad is so important, I do believe that, dads have an important role and I'm not undermining that. But, at the same time, I also want to point out the LOVING dad, not just a "half-a$$" dad, in that statement. If his dad is only going to be around when times are fun and ok for him, he is not putting DS before all else, and is not stable then maybe DS would be better without the role filled for now. DS deserves to know real love, and that love is defiantly filled by you...and I imagine may others. I would focus on getting child support right now, and also maybe discussing your rights of full custody with the lawyer. It is PLD's job to make it known he wants visitation, if he in not then I would not even bother..... ::hugs::
As for your mom, could you talk to her? Explain to her that you appreciate the place to stay her support. But then add on that you understand that your parenting methods may not be what she would like to see, but that you would really like it if she would understand that more then ever you need support. Tell her that this is a hard adjustment for both you and DS and that you both need extra time to be with each other, that bed sharing is providing that for you both. Also add that you don't see how it is harming anything and that you really believe in your heart that your parenting style is what is right for your child, and maybe add "I'm your baby and when I was this age you knew what was right for me...you raised me right...now I have my baby and in my heart I know what is right for him". That quote is how I got through to my mom...
::hugs:: I hope things get better
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
i am so sorry hun. i don't undertsnad your ex's mentality either. the only thing i can think of is that he figures that since he's the dad, he can get away with coming and going as he pleases. it's completely unfair. i don't know what kind of legal rights he has in this, but it seems to me that you have to set up some kind of ground rules or else he'll just start trampling all over the place.
are you going to counseling for your PPD? meds are good and all, but counseling can really help too.
as far as your mom goes, maybe you just need to pull her aside during a non-conflict time and say "mom i relaly appreciate you taking us in but you're criticism of my parenting is really affecting me" etc.
i know this is a really tough time for you, mama. huge hugs to you.