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Attachment Parenting
IL Vent... in need of some advice
So MIL lives with her mother about an hour away from us. They both smoke well over a pack a day. We do NOT allow them to even hold Coop if they smell like smoke, and have only taken coop to their house for 2 very short visits. They are starting to lay on the guilt trips with me and my husband majorly!
My MIL keeps BILs kids 24/7. My BIL has NEVER been left alone with his own kids for even 15 minutes. His mom or gma will come watch the kids if his wife just needs to run to the store (his kids are 2 and 4). So MIL is always at BIL's house anyways. Not to mention BIL and SIL also smoke well over a pack a day, so we don't allow Coop over there either.
So the guilt trip is, they will be playing with Coop, telling him "I want you to know your gma", "your going to love your gma when you get older", and my favorite "you just tell me what your mean mommy and daddy did you and I'll take care of it"....then yesterday they say to coop (next to me) "your going to come spend the night with me, or atleast your going to come stay with me for a few hours".... seriously people? How do they see this as appropriate? He is only 6 months old, but I doubt these "conversations" stopping anytime soon.
Right now, I take the "he is EBF and won't take a bottle, so he can't stay an hour away from his mama". However, he won't be BF forever (this definetly encourages my desire to want to extend breast feeding though!). We can't drive an hour away more than once a month to visit and they don't drive...so what would you do about the "your going to know your gma" comments. They are family and family is important to me, but I'm not going to harm coop's health so he can spend more time with him.
I also really really disagree with a lot of their "views". They are stuck in the 50's in so many ways...they can't believe DH watches coop when I work, they can't believe I not only work, but have a career, they make sterotypical/racial comments that make me so mad it's amazing I haven't lost it over the past 10 years, they use words I don't ever want coop to hear, etc....
My husband outgrew his family a long time ago when he went away to college, but they are still his family and he loves them. Neither one of us no how to handle this...
I should add, my MIL left her kids and ran off and married some other man when my DH was 12, he didn't even speak to her until about 5 years ago. So it's not like they are close. Mainly the issue is we want Coop to know his great gma, but it's impossible to see her alone since MIL lives with her.
I need some creative tactful ideas....
Sorry so long
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Re: IL Vent... in need of some advice
I assume they smoke in their house. If so I would stop making excuses for why you don't visit often. I would tell them in a very kind way that you simply don't want your son to be exposed to the second hand smoke. You could make a point of spending time with them in the summer when you can all be outside for picnics.
Whew. Big hugs, Mama! Good for you for sticking to your guns about not letting Coop be exposed to smoke! Side bar: Why is BIL never left alone with the kids? Because that's a "woman's job" or because he is not allowed to be left alone with them. I guess that's really NOMB and not what you're asking anyway.
These passive aggressive "conversations" she's having with Coop are wildly inappropriate. Don't let her think you don't know exactly what she's doing. They need to stop immediately. Even though DS is only 6mo doesn't mean he doesn't understand - even if he's just picking up on tone and body language. It's not fair to put him in the middle. My MIL is infamous for this slick move. She also takes & makes phone calls in front of us and purposely brings things up to p!ss me off knowing I cannot say anything because I'm not part of the phone call. What I did (I'm still working on putting my foot down with the ILs so I'm not perfect by any means) is flat out address her comments. This put her on the spot and she had to defend why she was saying what she was saying. The "mean mommy & daddy" routine needs to be nixed like yesterday. Who does she think she is? Maybe you can walk away with DS so that DH can address it and DS doesn't have to sense the tension.
As for visiting GGma, can you invite her out to eat. Would she understand about the smoke? Could you buy her a nice sweater and keep it at your house? She could change into that while she's out with you. Also, using BFing as an excuse to not let Coop over there for hours at a time is skirting the issue. As you stated, you're setting yourself up for having to eat your words someday or to come up with another excuse. (Again, I'm not one to talk here, just giving you the advice that you and I both need to follow).
I know it's a whole lot easier for me to type: "Stand up to MIL. Don't let her manipulate you through DS. Don't give in about the smoke. Buy GGma a special sweater for being around the baby." than it is for you to just do it. If it were easy, I'd do all these things, too. Has DH ever tried to talk to her? If she's only been in his life for 5 years, is he afraid of losing her again? Best of luck! Be strong!!
Hmm, I'm not sure there are any great creative options here. I think your best bet is to manage expectations. Have your DH tell them how often you CAN visit (i.e. maybe once every other month is reasonable). He should also let them know that you aren't comfortable with Coop breathing in smoke so overnight visits are, unfortunately, out. When you go out there maybe you can take them to a restaurant or park and visit there so you're not sitting in smoke the whole time. Also, is there any way they could come to you on a bus or train? If so, you could offer to pay fare for them to come visit so the onus isn't always on you.
I just want to add...
In regards to the passive agressive comments. It seems to me that they are inconsequential. You are cool mom and dad. She is fuddy duddy stuck in the 50s grandma. As the kids grow up they are not going to relate to grandma, they are going to relate to you. I think the comments are more annoying to you than they are damaging to your LO.
Maybe I would feel differently if I was in the situation, I don't know. If the comments really bother you I think it is your DH's place to ask her to stop. But unless she says something worse than, "tell me what your mean mommy and daddy did" I would probably let it go. You LO is going to think she's crazy.
I think part of the reason I would let it go is because I can't imagine someone like that changing. Sure your DH could ask her not to make negative comments and maybe she will stop saying certain things but I bet her tone will remain. So I just wouldnt' get caught up in it.
PS ~ My answer would be totally different if she spent a lot of time with your LO but as it stands she is an hour away and she's never going to be alone with him.
I can totally relate on the smoking thing. My mom only lives 5 minutes away, so we see her several times a week. She says she only smokes in her bathroom, but there is no window, and a fan can only do so much... Don't even get me started on the chemically air freshners she puts EVERYWHERE...
I too, am extremely passive agressive, and my mom is super sensitive and takes everything personally. So, I try to nicely remind her we don't want H anywhere near cigarette smoke. I was a smoker prior to becoming pregnant, and I remember how hard it was to quit, or be ridiculed by nonsmokers. I did however try to be respectful to nonsmokers, which is something she just doesn't do. I just can't make her understand it's for Henry. (I also have become extremely sensitive to smoke.)
So. I have no advice... I just understand how you feel. Good luck Mama! At least you don't have to see them too often...
Honestly, tact isn't going to work with people that are trying to emotionally blackmail you through your child.
I hope I don't sound too blunt but I've learned from some really shitty experiences that you need to put your foot down. Be polite but firm.
If they start talking crap to your kid (I know he doesn't understand it now but before you know it he will) stop them. A simple "Please don't talk to him that way." If they persist or make a scene you pick up and leave. Every time.
Have your H tell them "We love you, Coop loves you, we want to spend time with you but the smoking is not good for him. So we're going to continue being careful to limit his exposure to smoke." Then do not entertain their arguements. Do not get drawn into further explanations or disagreements. He just keeps repeating himself or says something like "I'm sorry you're not happy with this but we're doing our best for Coop." They might throw a fit but who cares. You're doing the right thing here and if you stay polite and firm they'll come around
As it's your husband's family, he needs to put a foot down. He needs to tell them why you don't bring your LO around, what they need to do in order for you to come more often and to never say anything derogatory about either of you to your kid.
I know it's not easy and will probably hurt some feelings, but it's the best way. I've had to stand up to my family about things (baby related and other), and it's no fun but at least everyone knows where they stand.
Good luck!
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