- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Maryland Babies
Leaving your child
It seems like I hear of a lot of full time working mothers having plans quite a few weekends, hence leaving their child with whomever (husband, boyfriend, family, etc). My sister is this way.
As a FT working mother, i limit my extra time away from DC. It literally hurts me and upsets me to be away anymore than I already have too. I try to grocery shop either while dc is napping or if dc is with me.
Right now, I am "out" one night a month with a bunch of other mothers, but I do get to see dc after work and before I head out. My family started to do a dinner (w/o h's/kids) once a month, so I said I wasn't going to do my nite out with the ladies that i've been doing because that is 2 nights a month. H thinks I'm crazy. I wanted to join this local group but it was a moms group mainly with some family activities. I have no desire to be away from my child anymore than I already am working fulltime.
I fully realize it is important to have adult activities, but I guess for me personally I don't think that having a night out 3 weekends a month (when lets say you work a typical mon-fr 9-5 job) is something I could do especially right now. I won't even let dc stay overnight anywhere.
Do you working mothers have quite a few activities you plan without kids? Again, I realize it is healthy to get out, but I think some just leave their child way too much every weekend (my sister included).
I also realize I could be in the minority and just a freak about leaving my kid. It's actually amusing to me because I'm so incredibly laid back about everything except this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Leaving your child
Make that another one like you. I left her overnight twice--once for a wedding overnight and another for two nights for our anniversary. Both times she was with my mom who she loves. We do things as a family too, even going to the grocery store. Like Remy said, I don't think parents that have more alone time don't love their kids any less, but for me, I would just rather be with the family.
Also, the fact that I am ready for bed by 8 every night, doesn't have me motivated to do anything at night..ha ha.
IDK - I go back and forth on this. We have a date night maybe once every 6 weeks/every other month and will leave DD overnight w/ my parents or ILs once every few months. I miss DD, but I also feel like that time helps me recharge a little bit too - especially the overnights away from her and being able to sleep in. I did an overnight w/ my girlfriend a few weeks ago and that was fun and I thought it was good for DH and DD too. I missed them, but I didn't "hurt" or anything - but I was super excited and ready to go home the next day though.
But, on the other hand, I read posts by FT working moms on the WMs board where some of them talk about regularly going on vacation for a week w/o their LOs and I can't imagine wanting to do that.
ETA - I've seen alot of good and bad examples of this too - I have friends who can barely make a phone call or leave their LO's field of vision w/o their kid or them freaking out and I also have friends who do regular MNOs, short trips w/ their husbands, etc. who have really good, strong connections w/ their LOs. I also have a few friends who seem like they can barely stand their kids except as photo props and will go away for a night/weekend on any excuse.
Absolutely, I don't think they are bad parents or love any less, it's just not how I am. I was planning a weekend away soon for something I've done for a few yrs, I have been having major anxiety over this. DH will be with DC, but I just don't know how I'm going to handle being away for 2 nights. My mom said it's the one thing I enjoy doing and it's been a tradition for a few yrs and that I should go and enjoy myself (as much as possible). I'll be "close" enough to home that if I just couldn't I could still come home. I am having a very difficult time and feel guilty. I feel like I'll regret not going, but I also feel like i'll regret going.
I'm sure as dc gets a tad older (more toddler age), I'll potentially feel different in terms of like Kathryn said every 6wks or so a date night and letting spend the night at gmas or something. I also know as my child and my cousins child get older, i'm sure they will have PLENTY of back and forth sleepovers.
Maybe it's just this age that I cannot imagine giving multiple weekends up a month to do "adult" things. I have the rest of my life for that.
KellyMark - how old is your LO? Especially before DD started walking, I didn't really want to be away from her b/c she seemed so helpless, but now that she's walking and talking and has become more and more opinionated, etc. it is nice to get that kid-free break where you don't have to debate what shoes, what socks, which T-shirt, which towel, etc. DD is going to wear/use or have a meltdown over Mommy opening the yogurt packet wrong, etc.
I also saw a mom at Gymboree the other week - who was completely stressed out b/c her toddler wouldn't come to the mat w/ the other kids, but trying so hard to keep it together and not lose it. (seriously, she had to give herself a time-out and go do deep breathes). I don't knwo what her story is/was, but I did think to myself - that girl needs a solo trip to Starbucks or a pedicure, etc. She needed a break from her kid and taking a break and acknowledging that doesn't make you a bad mom or means you don't love your LO.
I guess I'm a bad mom, but I do go out a lot without my child. DH and I don't have many friends with kids, so if and when we get to see our friends, depends on when I have a sitter. I have no problem leaving my child for a few hours with family and friends. I've only left her over night once and that was back in August.
No one said you were a bad mom or love A any less. It's just something you're more comfortable with than others.
I have no problem (in terms of trust) leaving my child with many people, I have many who beg to keep dc. I have anxiety being away from dc anymore than I have too with working FT. I see that I have the rest of my life to do things for "me" and dc will only be small once. Again, I think it's healthy to do things on your own, but IMO (meaning for ME) I can't imagine leaving my child 3 out of 4wkends a month. My sister does it and I just don't understand.
Kathryn...9.5mo and I do believe once they get "independant", you find yourself needing that time bc of situations like you stated at Gymboree. I know there will be times, that I'm like I just have to go to the store alone or I need to sleep tomorrow am, etc. Maybe it's just bc of how young dc is, but I still don't see it happening more than once every 4-6wks. I
I cherish the time too much and frankly none of my friends (albeit some of my bff's) are worth not having that time with my child. So if they can't accept me having a child and a possible different lifestyle, then that is their issue. Obviously, we can't join them for everything, but we do as much as possible to be able to incorporate dc. However, most of my friends are lame and none of us do anything, LOL, so that could be a factor (those with or without kids).
that doesn't make you a bad mom at all.
Kelley - every single thing you said is how I feel. I attribute it to Sydney being my first child, plus she's still pretty little (even though she's huge for her age haha).
I am just to the point now that I am sort of, a little bit, ok with leaving her and it will really be tested this weekend. We are going out both nights and the grandparents are watching her at our house. DH's parents bug me to let her spend the night but I am not ready and I keep telling them that. My parents don't ask because they know I'll offer it when I'm ready. Who knows when that will be.
Tonight we have a fundraiser (Kelley - its the histiocytosis one) and tomorrow night is a surprise party for my boss's 50th. I feel like we can't miss either one, and while I think the events will be fun and I'm looking forward to them, I still have anxiety and guilt over leaving her since I am gone at work full time during the week.
I do think it will be easier when she's older and/or when we have another child. I know moms who go out when their second child is just a few weeks old and while I don't know if I will be the mom who does that, it does show me that its easier with the second one.
And Jen - of course you know you're not a bad mom!!
My first child was (and still is) a really laid back, easy child. I rarely spent any time away from him and really enjoyed the time I did spend with him. I never really felt the need to go out or have "me" time.
Then came #2. He is the complete opposite of his older brother and I NEED time away from him. Even if it's a weekly trip to the grocery store paired with a monthly girls night and a date night with my husband. Plus having 2 kids can be more time consuming and harder. If I didn't get that time away I wouldn't be able to be the best mother that I am capable of being. My MIL often comes and gets one child or the other, or sometimes both. We let them spend the night with the inlaws once every 6 weeks or so and it's just nice to wake up in the morning and not have to run around like a madwoman to prepare breakfast for two starving little boys. I think that as your kids get older you might find that you need more time away from them.
I go out probably 2-3 weekend nights with other mom friends (no DH, DS). It is great for my soul. It allows me to rejuvenate myself so that I can be a good mom and wife. Usually, I am leaving while DH is putting Aiden to bed, so I don't feel guilty about missing too much time with him.
miscarriage on 11/26/09 at 5w6d
I'm apparently a very different kind of mom. DD is almost 4 and in that time I've gone on two spa overnight trips, one long weekend trip and one weeklong trip without her (and the first three were without my husband as well). DH and I also try to schedule fairly regular date nights and on those nights, DD spends the night with my Mom, and it's absolutely wonderful for all of us. My Mom and DD have an incredible relationship and DH and I treasure the time to reconnect as husband and wife, talking without interruption, eating without cutting up chicken tenders, not worrying about crayons on the floor or a spilled sippy cup.
I had to go back to work when DD was 6 weeks old and she's been in full-time daycare or preschool ever since. I think that her daycare life combined with the fact that DH and I indulge in a portion of our lives that doesn't involve her has helped to make her independent and easily adaptable.
I am a better Mom* because I allow myself to just be Dani on occasion. I go to concerts, I go out to dinner with my sisters, I go out to dinner with a friend or my husband.
*A better Mom than I would be if I didn't do those things, not a better Mom than anyone else in this thread.
I surely don't think anyone is a bad mom or loves their child less, I just personally hate leaving when I can spend that time with dc.
Dani...I'm sure by the time DC is 4, there will have been weekends away, overnights at gmoms, overnight at cousins, etc.
I feel guilty about not being with Emily but I also know that I feel better about myself and therefor about my time with her if I take time for myself. I also know that DH and Emily need their time together without me there because they bond better. Same thing with my MIL, when she's here, its important for her to have one on one time with Emily and as a bonus, DH and I get time to remember what its like to be a couple.
And then Emily acts like a 2 year old and I'm ready to pawn her off on the next person who smiles at me.