Best friend's baby died shortly after childbirth, advice please.

lovemyflipflops · February 2011

Just this morning my best friend's baby died shortly after childbirth. They aren't sure yet what exactly happened, but they're leaning towards a blood clot. Please give me advice on what I can say or do for her. We live in different states and I want to help her as much as I can. She said she'd like me to fly to see her when her Mom leaves, maybe in a couple weeks. I'm heart broken for her. She was told she may never get pregnant and then she did and it was a miracle. Obviously they weren't expecting this; they thought they would be coming home with their son. To complicate things a little more, I have a 5 1/2 month daughter that I would of course be bringing with me to visit. Please help me help her with the most sensitivity and love. Thanks for any advice.

Lisa

ItalianGirl17 · February 2011

First of all, I am so extremely sorry for your best friend's loss and I can't imagine the amount of pain she is in. There are no words for something like this and my only suggestion is that you tell her that - but let her know that you are there for her and anything she needs. Tell her that you are there to just sit quietly and hold her hand when she cries - or just listen when she wants to vent. She will be going through so many emotions. This happened to my boss (loss after delivery) and he said that even though he knew people meant well, the things he hated to hear were: "Everything happens for a reason" (yes, this may be true - but it was not comforting for him to hear) and "God must have wanted to be with your baby" (again, maybe true, but HE wanted to be with his baby). I don't know what your friend will want to hear, but this is just my boss' experience. Nobody knows what your friend is going through - we each own our own pain. Just be there for her. Good luck to you - and, again, I'm so sorry for her loss.

ekmOC · February 2011

One of my closest friends and most important source of support after my loss is clear across country from me. She too had an infant at home. So don't worry, there's a lot you can do from where you are.

From a distance, most important will be to frequently check in with her via phone, email or text. Let her know you are there, anytime she needs you, to listen to her talk, cry, be angry, etc. You could offer to contact other mutual friends to let them know of her loss. You could make calls or search online to research Perinatal Loss Support groups in her area.

Since they are not sure of the cause of death, she may have the unpleasant experience of waiting weeks for an autopsy report, as I did. This is a time filled with frustration and torment. She may want to talk about what she is going through, what she is thinking.

You may wish to send some sort of sentimental gift such as a figurine or piece of jewelry. One of my good friends gave me a special bracelet to wear as a reminder of my daughter, which I really love. https://www.labelledame.com/ is a great website for pieces like this.

badtzmaru22 · February 2011

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. You must be a great friend for caring so much to post over here!

Really, the only thing people have said that really bothers me is, 'I have no idea what you're going through.' Well good for you, but I know that, AND I don't WANT you to know what I'm going through. I don't want my worst enemy to know what I'm going through. I know they mean well saying that, but it's also like they're rubbing it in that they have healthy kids or got pg on the first try and everything was fine for them.

You can say that you don't know what to say - sometimes I wish people would just say that instead of trying to help but sticking their foot in their mouth, and just be there for her.

ekmOC · February 2011

One other thought: I would play it by ear in terms of visiting her with your baby along. How she feels about this may vary by the day or the hour. It may seem like a good idea, but after you arrive it may be very difficult for her to deal with.

I'm not sure what is the right thing to do in this case...

lovemyflipflops · February 2011

Thank you so much for all of the great advice. I think I have a better idea of what to say to her and I love the idea of the bracelet for her. That's really thoughtful.

nekillo · February 2011

going off the bracelet suggestion; A simple idea that I wish I would have gotten (and may just buy myself) is a simple pendant with the baby's birthstone. Something that only mom and dad know the true meaning of unless they chose to share. Birthstone jewelery is easy to find and there are lots of pretty options.

Just a thought.
NK

lovemyflipflops · February 2011

Thanks so much. I ended up getting her this necklace https://www.etsy.com/listing/61868409/forever-in-my-heart-memory-pendant

I hope she likes it, but of course I'm going to tell her that she doesn't need to feel obligated to wear it if she doesn't want because it may cause some people to ask questions that she doesn't feel like answering.

She is sounding more with it today. Yesterday, she was very drugged when I spoke to her. I haven't brought up coming to see her again. I'll wait until she brings it up.

One more question, and I hope this isn't insensitive in any way. The baby passed yesterday morning and she still has him in the room with her as of an hour ago and she is rocking him and singing to him. This breaks my heart. Do you think she is ok? Everyone handles grief differently and I don't know how I would be in this situation.

360blessings · February 2011

She is fine. Just grieving. I kept my son with me for 24 hours after he died. She needs this time to hold him and implant those memories in her heart. She's not only grieving her son, but also the loss of those hopes and dreams. The memories she is creating in the hospital, will be all the ones she has to last a lifetime. ((HUGS)) to her. I'm so sorry someone else is going through this pain.

Best friend's baby died shortly after childbirth, advice please.

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