Since I have maxed out Google...(um, it got long)

susanmosley · February 2011

I am now posting here to hear more stories from real people.

Let me preface with the fact that although we are bummed out, we are ok and I know this isn't the end of the world. I'm optimistic for the future, grateful for my wonderful life, and able to move forward with ease.

But I would be lying if I said the waiting wasn't driving me crazy and pissing me off.

So, when we went in for my 8 week ultrasound, the baby was measuring 6 weeks, 2 days with a low heart rate of 84. I know that my dates aren't off, so we immediately knew that was not good news. Blood work revealed low progesterone (9) and initial beta hcg of 21,600. Second beta levels 2 days later were not increasing dramatically as expected but were 20,800. So, all signs are pointing clearly towards an impending miscarriage. My doctor - whom I love and trust, so don't bash him! - recommends that I just wait and let nature take it's course, and if I don't naturally miscarry in a month (A MONTH!!!! Seriously?) that they will give me something to help induce the process.

I know this could happen tomorrow or in a month...or not. Oy. And I know there is no way to know. I know that it is like a 99% chance that this pregnancy is not going to make it. And we have come to terms with that. In fact the idea that there is any chance that it could after this point is part of what is driving me crazy. As much as I want a 2nd child, I will freak if it does miraculously work out....all signs are saying it won't, right?

So, what I am seeking here are your stories about low levels, dropping betas, measuring behind, and low heart rates and how it played out. And although it may seem really backassward, any reassurance that this is in fact going to end in m/c would be appreciated.

I know this is a touchy subject. I am sorry in advanced if I don't seem as compassionate or bothered by this as many are when it happens to them. I do think that my matter of fact reaction is the minority response to this type of situation. But I hope it can be respected that these are my valid feelings and I am not a cold hearted b!tch for not feeling more torn apart about this scenario.

Oh, and thanks for reading this novel and for the e-support that I always get on this board.

jenifairies · February 2011

I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I can understand wanting to know something for sure, and can't imagine how tough this must be for you. I have no experience to throw in advice, but my thoughts are with you.

susanmosley · February 2011

Thanks, jenifairies. I was actually going to post to you next. Has your DH already left? How are you doing? Hanging in there? Thinking about you too - I think what you are having to deal with is tougher than this. Can't imagine. Hope you are doing ok.

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2011

I just want to say again, I really, really feel for you. The waiting game sucks. so. bad.

Shozzies · February 2011

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I've had two m/c in the last year.

Mrs.Reem · February 2011

Oh sweetie I am so very sorry. The anxiety of the situation has to be unbearable. I can't imagine and you are in my thoughts. I've been there. Generally, betas that are decreasing only mean bad news. In order for the baby to survive they need to continue to increase even if its a little bit. Additionally being that far behind with knowledge of ovulation date doesn't look too good. It pains me to even write that but you did ask. I'm pretty well versed in betas, ultrasounds, etc. Otherwise I wouldn't mention it at all. The one thing I know for sure though is that miracles happen every day. There's nothing wrong with expecting one to happen to you. It just might happen.

HUGS!!! Know that we're here for you when/if you need us, and we'll be glad to share in your joy if things end up going your way!

jenifairies · February 2011

susanmosley:
Thanks, jenifairies. I was actually going to post to you next. Has your DH already left? How are you doing? Hanging in there? Thinking about you too - I think what you are having to deal with is tougher than this. Can't imagine. Hope you are doing ok.

That's so sweet of you. He left Thursday. I think it's only going to be a month, maybe 2, and we can skype - just trying to get used to the time difference. He's in the middle east, but not in iraq or afghanistan, so we're really lucky there. I have school to distract me, and daycare to help with Alaina.

Tonight was hard with Alaina - she kept asking for daddy and wanted him back on the computer after he went to bed. I think that's the worst part of it - she's not old enough to explain why he's not here, but she does know he's gone. it sucks.

susanmosley · February 2011

Shozziee - thank you. I'm sorry for you as well. Obviously you don't have to answer this, but did you have medical information (as I do) as a prelude to your miscarriages or were they more spontaneous. It is very interesting that modern medicine can give me a heads up before it happens. I think it would be even harder to think all was well & then one day have a m/c but this waiting thing with no symptoms is weird. And that tiny percentage chance that I won't m/c is really making me crazy. I don't do well not being in control

susanmosley · February 2011

Mrs.Reem - don't feel bad! I did ask & that is exactly what I want to hear - real info & honesty. Thanks for the reply & I am sorry for your loss(es?)

Shozzies · February 2011

susanmosley:
Shozziee - thank you. I'm sorry for you as well. Obviously you don't have to answer this, but did you have medical information (as I do) as a prelude to your miscarriages or were they more spontaneous. It is very interesting that modern medicine can give me a heads up before it happens. I think it would be even harder to think all was well & then one day have a m/c but this waiting thing with no symptoms is weird. And that tiny percentage chance that I won't m/c is really making me crazy. I don't do well not being in control

My early betas and progesterone were good, but I started m/c naturally just before my 8 week u/s.

With DD, in the first u/s I was measuring a little over a week behind and she had a heartbeat of 79. I was being monitored, so I knew exactly when I ovulated. My doctor thought it might be a m/c. My betas were increasing, but they weren't doubling. A week later they had me come back for another u/s and her heartbeat increased to 121. They said it should have been above 120 for a viable pregnancy at that point.

lms_bride · February 2011

Just wanted to say I'm sorry SM. Thinking of you... this has to be a terribly anxious time. Either way, I hope you can find some peace through the time of not knowing.

lbaby08 · February 2011

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I can imagine that the waiting and not knowing makes everything more difficult.

DD measured 8 days behind at her first ultrasound but she was just a small baby. I never had betas or progesterone checked so I am no help there.

Everyone reacts to situations differently - IMHO, the way you are processing and thinking through this is very similar to how I think I would react so there is certainly no judging here! I hope that if this is indeed going to be a miscarriage that your body starts the process soon so you will have some answers.

Kitten80 · February 2011

no story to share, but wanted to say I am so sorry and I am sure "wait and see" is very difficult. Sending thoughts your way!

tabi_ja · February 2011

Oh, Sue. This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. Especially about the not knowing. I think that would be the hardest part for me, too. I'm sure you will grieve at some point, but you can't even begin that process until you know. I can imagine it must be frustrating to not know whether to be hopeful or sad. I have no stories to share, just wanted to offer my support. Big hugs to you. I hope that no matter what happens, that you find out soon, so you aren't stuck in this limbo for long.

I always wish there was more I could say/do in these situations. It just sucks. Let me know if you need to talk.

Stacyc625 · February 2011

Don't lose hope. Stay strong. When I was pregnant with Gisele something similar happened with my beta #s and she had a weak heartbeat. My reproductive endocrinologist prepared us for a m/s- but when we went back for our followup- everything was on the up and up.

Hugs and T&Ps

mandymack · February 2011

I haven't been through something like this myself so, I'm sorry I have nothing personal to contribute but wanted to say that I'm so proud of you for this:

"Let me preface with the fact that although we are bummed out, we are ok and I know this isn't the end of the world. I'm optimistic for the future, grateful for my wonderful life, and able to move forward with ease."

For the way you & your family have started to come to being at peace with the situation and how you are trying to gather as much information as possible, in order to further prepare yourself... that's not easy to do in the face of such a sadness. It's one of the things I admire most about you S!

I'm so sorry for your possible impending loss.

Mc_Newlywed · February 2011

I had this happen twice. Both were re result of an IVF cycle so I knew exactly what the dates/growth should be. One ended in a m/c at 7 weeks. The other resulted in my daughter. She measured behind by almost 2 weeks for the first two trimesters. But she finally caught up at the end and is perfectly healthy. My betas were slow to rise with her too although I don't remember the exact numbers.

I don't want to give you false hope but the same time, I do believe in miracles. I do think a month is too long though. Can't they monitor you over the next two weeks and then decide the best course. Well, that's between you and your doctor. But I will send you prayers and good thoughts that this pregnancy sticks and you just have a slow grower in there!

EnglishMajor03 · February 2011

susanmosley:
Shozziee - thank you. I'm sorry for you as well. Obviously you don't have to answer this, but did you have medical information (as I do) as a prelude to your miscarriages or were they more spontaneous. It is very interesting that modern medicine can give me a heads up before it happens. I think it would be even harder to think all was well & then one day have a m/c but this waiting thing with no symptoms is weird. And that tiny percentage chance that I won't m/c is really making me crazy. I don't do well not being in control

Having no control is the worst. In the grand scheme of things there is so little we can control with our pregnancies and how our babies develop. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I can totally see where you're coming from and until something happens it's hard to know how to feel. Good luck. The EnglishMajor house will be keeping you in our thoughts.

susanmosley · February 2011

Thanks, guys.

blissfully_caffeinated · February 2011

When I was pregnant the first time I had cramping and bleeding along with betas that decreased slightly after 2 days. They told me I was having a miscarriage... but I wasn't. I found out over a month later that I was still pregnant. It's rare but it does happen.

susanmosley · February 2011

blissfully_caffeinated:
When I was pregnant the first time I had cramping and bleeding along with betas that decreased slightly after 2 days. They told me I was having a miscarriage... but I wasn't. I found out over a month later that I was still pregnant. It's rare but it does happen.

But did you have any of the other things I have going against me? Like the low progesterone, low heart beat, and/or baby measuring behind?

I'm just thinking that will all four of those components, it would have to be some sort of serious miracle!

Stacyc625 · February 2011

susanmosley:

blissfully_caffeinated:
When I was pregnant the first time I had cramping and bleeding along with betas that decreased slightly after 2 days. They told me I was having a miscarriage... but I wasn't. I found out over a month later that I was still pregnant. It's rare but it does happen.

But did you have any of the other things I have going against me? Like the low progesterone, low heart beat, and/or baby measuring behind?

I'm just thinking that will all four of those components, it would have to be some sort of serious miracle!

Sue- I wish I could give you a hug. Try to relax. This is just one of those things that is TOTALLY out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to make this better- but wait and remain hopeful/positive (more for yourself/own sanity). Gisele measured behind- and I KNEW when it happened because we were seeing a RE who told us EXACTLY when to have sex. The body is an amazing thing- full of a lot of unspeakable and unfathomable things- this is one of them. hang in there PM me if you want t chat.

lilone_06 · February 2011

I wish I could help you out with some stories similar to yours, but I've just never been through it. I am so sorry though! And I completely understand your approach to dealing with it - I also am a no-nonsense type girl, usually in the minority. Don't feel bad about that. My T&P to you and your family.

NandN2005 · February 2011

blissfully_caffeinated:
When I was pregnant the first time I had cramping and bleeding along with betas that decreased slightly after 2 days. They told me I was having a miscarriage... but I wasn't. I found out over a month later that I was still pregnant. It's rare but it does happen.

I had the same thing happen with my 2nd daughter. Spotting/bleeding that lasted a week or more followed up by beta's that dropped after 2 days. I was also told that I was miscarrying. It wasn't until I went in at about 6 wks that they found a heartbeat. When I delivered there was an extra bag of water. They assume that I was pregnant with twins but lost one early on (the empty sac didn't ever show up on ultrasounds). Rare, but it's possible.

susanmosley · February 2011

Stacyc625:
Sue- I wish I could give you a hug. Try to relax. This is just one of those things that is TOTALLY out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to make this better- but wait and remain hopeful/positive (more for yourself/own sanity). Gisele measured behind- and I KNEW when it happened because we were seeing a RE who told us EXACTLY when to have sex. The body is an amazing thing- full of a lot of unspeakable and unfathomable things- this is one of them. hang in there PM me if you want t chat.

I know I am being really neurotic. Like I am really using google in hopes to find an answer to my personal, individualized, unknown situation....It's like I think if I use the exact right words, Google will predict my future. I get that that is crazy business...no doubt. Nothing new for me

But here is the part that is going to sound horrible and I am scared to post on a public forum, but oh well.. I want this to end in a miscarriage. I don't want this pregnancy to continue. I don't want to remain positive or have hope that it will survive. I don't like the stories that it could still be okay. I am looking for the definitive IT. IS. OVER.

If that isn't the case, THAT is when I am going to be a mess. I have been so much more relaxed this pregnancy about things than I was with DD. And then having these 4 (significant) strikes against me, if this baby and my body were to pull through this, I may seriously have to be put into a home.

I know, Stacy, that you aren't saying for me to stop posting about this here. Also, I really appreciate your pointing out that I am being a little nutso. I need someone to remind me that all the thinking, googling, and searching for stories has zero impact on what is going on in my body. But I will try to take your reply as a reminder to step away from the computer and think about something else as this is 100% out of my control. And I need to embrace that.

Meanwhile, I want a glass of wine, and that within itself is pissing me off! HA!

Stacyc625 · February 2011

susanmosley:
Stacyc625:

Sue- I wish I could give you a hug. Try to relax. This is just one of those things that is TOTALLY out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to make this better- but wait and remain hopeful/positive (more for yourself/own sanity). Gisele measured behind- and I KNEW when it happened because we were seeing a RE who told us EXACTLY when to have sex. The body is an amazing thing- full of a lot of unspeakable and unfathomable things- this is one of them. hang in there PM me if you want t chat.

I know I am being really neurotic. Like I am really using google in hopes to find an answer to my personal, individualized, unknown situation....It's like I think if I use the exact right words, Google will predict my future. I get that that is crazy business...no doubt. Nothing new for me

But here is the part that is going to sound horrible and I am scared to post on a public forum, but oh well.. I want this to end in a miscarriage. I don't want this pregnancy to continue. I don't want to remain positive or have hope that it will survive. I don't like the stories that it could still be okay. I am looking for the definitive IT. IS. OVER.

If that isn't the case, THAT is when I am going to be a mess. I have been so much more relaxed this pregnancy about things than I was with DD. And then having these 4 (significant) strikes against me, if this baby and my body were to pull through this, I may seriously have to be put into a home.

I know, Stacy, that you aren't saying for me to stop posting about this here. Also, I really appreciate your pointing out that I am being a little nutso. I need someone to remind me that all the thinking, googling, and searching for stories has zero impact on what is going on in my body. But I will try to take your reply as a reminder to step away from the computer and think about something else as this is 100% out of my control. And I need to embrace that.

Meanwhile, I want a glass of wine, and that within itself is pissing me off! HA!

i wasn't trying to make you think you were being nutso- not at all. I did the same thing too- all the 'looking around and trying to find a definitive answer' Don't think you need to 'step away' from the PC- however embracing something like this is really the only thing you CAN do (at least constructively) because there isn't anything you CAN DO to make it better at this point- your body is fully in control. (i.e you can't physically make beta #s double or you can't make a heartbeat get stronger-- or NOT make it stronger).... and whatever your true feelings deep inside (about this pregnancy are) regardless- that too is kinda inconsequential- Because regardless- tomorrow will still happen- pregnant or not. Tomorrow will happen- and that is just what you have to hold on to. What is meant to be is meant to be-- I am not a super big fan of country music- (but I am a BIG music fan and music always speaks to me in times of confusion)--- check out the song by Garth Brooks... UNANSWERED PRAYERS. You just don't always know WHY things are happening/for what reason until (sometimes) many years down the road.

Whatever happens- 'someone' knows better as to 'why' it happened (i.e a higher power and/or nature' whatever you choose to believe) Take a listen.

susanmosley · February 2011

thank you

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Since I have maxed out Google...(um, it got long)

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