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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Mourning the loss of BFing (long)
I just started EPing on Friday night and I hate it. When I was pregnant I wanted to BF so badly, I told everyone I would, and couldn't imagine any reason why my stubborn self would ever give up. I took the BF class, I read everything I could on BFing, I bought all the right supplies. Then I had DD and she wouldn't gain weight and I couldn't understand why. I worked with the LCs in the hospital, I went back to visit them after I left, I tried SNS and nipple shields and supplementing. I thought I had a supply problem and worked so hard to build it up. Nothing was working, then we finally figured out that she was not sucking correctly. After using a SNS for 2 weeks, she still wasn't sucking corrrectly. So I went to EPing, but since my supply was never built up I hardly get anything.
I hate being attached to this pump for a half hour and barely getting an ounce. I hate that I have to supplement so much formula. I hate that I have to listen to my baby scream while I heat up a bottle, instead of being able to just lift up my shirt and feed her. I hate that I can't leave the house with her for longer than 3 hours because I have to pump again. I hate that I can't really hold her because my chest is taken up by 2 bottles. I hate that I don't even know if my supply will ever increase and I may have to give up entirely. I hate that I spend 4 hours of my day attached to the pump like a stinking cow. I hate all of it.
But I know if I quit, the 1st time she gets sick, I'll blame myself for not tryng harder. That I could have given her one more bottle with immunities instead of formula. I'm not knocking FF, I'm just really hard on myself and hate it when I can't do what I say I'm going to do.
Thanks for reading this far if you did. I really just needed to vent. I'm going to try to cheer back up now, cause I'm guessing that crying doesn't help to produce more milk. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Mourning the loss of BFing (long)
Hugs! You're such a good mommy.
If you quit, it's okay. Happy mommy= happy baby!
You girls are sweet. I just want to get over this feeling of failure and hopefully it will just pass with time. Thanks for the kind words!
Don't get down on yourself for it! Stress won't help your supply anyways.
You're doing great trying so hard!
BTW, DS gets sick all the time from daycare and is exclusively BFed...so you really can't blame yourself if he does get sick.
...she does get sick (sorry!)
((hugs)) I have low supply too and have to supplement. I HATED having to supplement FF for a long time. It's not the end of the world. I know that now, you will too.
The best thing you can do if you want to give EPing a fair shot and increase your supply is to try to relax. The more stressed you are, the less milk you produce.
Just do what works for your family. If it's EPing, great. If it's FFing, that's great too.
I was in your exact same position. ?I quit and I felt so guilty... but my midwife said it wasn't my fault (the nurses made me give my son a bottle in the hospital b/c of jaundice). ?He fell in love with the bottle and refused to BF... he would scream and cry and push away and arch his back. ?It was a battle at every feeding! ?I would try for 15-30 minutes then give up & give him a bottle of BM and then after feeding him, I would pump for 20 minutes. ?I did this for 3 weeks and it was exhausting.
I'll tell you exactly what my midwife told me when I quit and then cried to her. ?Being a mother is the most guilt stricken job you will ever have. ?You'll always worry about what is best. ?Don't beat yourself up, its just formula and your baby is going to be just fine no matter what you decide.
GL!?
I could have written your post. One exception, did you try reglan or domperidone?
I tried it all and eventually went to FF so as not to starve my baby. I still mourn the experience of Bfing, but I know I made the only choice I could.
Hugs, I know it sucks.
Aw...I'm so sorry :-( I've been mourning myself this week. I went through an unbelievable 6+ week ordeal to finally get BFing to work (long story), and just last week my supply drastically dropped again, I got AF, and nothing I did brought my supply back up. DD was going hungry, she wasn't getting enough, and I just couldn't put her through the stress of BFing, not getting enough, then getting a bottle at every feeding, then sticking her in the bouncy seat while I pumped when all she wanted was to be held :-( So I quit Saturday finally, and I've been crying ever since. I know she'll be fine, but I'm so sad for me. I miss nursing my baby.
And you are right, bottles are such a PITA I don't know why anyone who had the choice would rather do that. It's harder to go out anywhere, I spend over an hour of my day now cleaning & sterlizing bottles, and now when DD wakes in the night to eat, she's up for an hour instead of 10 minutes because there's not the same comfort to put her back to sleep. And if she gets sick, I'll blame myself, too.
It's tougher on me this way, but honestly it's better for her. Less stress for her, and she's getting enough to eat. I don't think she was before. She's happier now than she was, although I start crying every time she turns her head toward my breast. This is the plight of a mommy, I suppose. We are sadder sometimes so that they can be happier. Good luck, and I hope you can work out what makes you both the happiest.
:hug:
Try More Milk Plus while you're waiting on domperidone. But if you decide to give up, don't feel guilty. You're a rockstar for doing all that.
I could have totally written this post. I too EP and I hate it. Everyday I think about quitting, but I know that I will feel so guilty if/when I do it. I always thought that I would have no problem BFing for a year...after all that is what our bodies and babies are supposed to do, right? Well. Right now my goal is to make it one more day with EPing. That is my goal everyday.
Big hugs to you. If getting your baby BM is important to you, then keep EPing. But if in the end it is too much of a stressor, then give it up. Really, many many babies are FF and do just great. And just so you know...my baby has already gotten a cold, and I have been giving him BM almost from birth. Sometimes it just happens. Hugs.
I went through this same thing. I was given a nipple shield in the hospital and spent 8 weeks fighting with it and the pumping. The most milk I ever pumped in a day was 11 oz and by the time I stopped it was down to 1 oz and it was taking 30 minutes every 2-3 hours to accomplish this.
I felt like I was missing out on my DD, that I could never rest, and I was always just so frustrated. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do...give up on the one thing I was convinced I needed to do for my daughter. I felt like an absolute failure and it made my heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a chair with her on my breast (and that never happened).
I cried almost everyday. At first it was because I wasn't getting much and then it was because I knew the end was near. And I was also so tired from everything. I bawled during my 6 week appt with my midwide and realized that I was close to driving myself into a deep depression. She told me that I could either fight harder for it or let it go knowing that I did all I could do.
So I made a list of pros only for formula feeding and formula feeding with a little breastmilk. For a formula pro I wrote down that I would get to spend more time with my girl and that is what convinced me to let it go. I've been much happier since and I am very sure my daughter and husband are as well.
So, I think at the end of the day you have to go with what will make you happier. If you have the energy to keep fighting for it, then do. If you don't, then absolutely no one should look down on you and you should not look down on yourself. Your child will benefit more from having a happy mom.