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Single Parents
XH just picked DS up for his first overnight
I have tons and tons of anxiety about it (I literally have hives on my chest and neck.), but with heaploads of prep work with my therapist, I achieved my goal of handling the pick-up calmly. I should have planned something for this two hours before my night out with friends commences. I'm sure everything will be fine, but my heart is racing nevertheless.
XH and I actually had a good conversation last night where he alleviated many of my concerns, like telling me he wouldn't let DS "cry it out" and listening to me telling him about DS's bedtime routine. I'm fine with him developing his own, but I wanted him to know that it's important to have one. The conversation made me see that XH just might love DS, in his own way. I want DS to feel that love.
I realized that my deep fears about letting DS stay at his dad's will communicate to DS that I don't love him, or that I love him less. Realizing that I am doing it because I love him so damn much has addressed at least part of that for me. Plus, DS is on his own path, and due to choices made by others, I am unable to control certain things he is exposed to or experiences.
It's fricking hard. I didn't want this divorce. I wouldn't have chosen this life for DS. I would never have opted to have to spend the night away from him. It's so not fair.
It always seems to come back to that AA saying about god granting the grace to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm trying to breathe through the things I can't change. Breathe!!!
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Re: XH just picked DS up for his first overnight
Can I ask you what your parenting plan is? Like, how often Caro stays with her dad?
Sure! He gets every other weekend and at least one weeknight per week, up to 5 days per 14 days. In reality he usually only takes every other weekend with the occasional weekday, so 2-3 days per 14.
He also gets 2 periods of 2 weeks in the summer. I think he will take those because his family wants to spend time with Caro, and I do want her to grow up knowing all her cousins out there (he'll take her to North Dakota, where he grew up and where all his family still lives... and where he does his research every summer). And we alternate holidays.
What's yours like?
The current plan is XH sees him 3 afternoons/evenings (XH drops DS just before bedtime.) per week for 4 hours, plus a Friday overnight every other week with the expectation that it will go to every week in the foreseeable future. Although I'm probably going to wean DS soon, I'm still breastfeeding, so that's one reason there aren't more overnights. We didn't care about most holidays, but I get every 2 xmases, and he gets those 2 Thanksgivings, and we switch every third year. My family is all out of state, so that allows for more time with them because I'm on a teacher's schedule.
Was the first weekend she was with him hard?
((hugs))
((hugs)) I'm glad you were able to communicate effectively.
You seem like you are coming to peace with a lot of this.
((hugs))!
So, what are you doing with your free time?
It went really well, actually. Well, DS didn't sleep very well and wouldn't nap there the next day, but I did really well. I'd been dreading 2/25/11 for almost a year, and I was surprised that 1) I survived it, 2) I was able to enjoy myself during a fun night out, 3) I'm still DS's mom, and 4) DS's and my relationship is not really affected by a night away every once in a while.
XH's mom was there, so even though I can't stand that woman, I was comforted thinking about how DS was getting lots of love. It kind of hit me that XH actually loves DS, and it may sound stupid, but it was a really important realization for me.
I glad you were able to enjoy yourself!
I hope that when my time comes to let C go to his dad's I will be able to handle it like you. Because I don't think I have come to the realization that his father loves him yet and that everything will be ok.
"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."