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Parenting
If you remember my post a while back about BFF...
I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post back in October. In October is pretty much when sh*t hit the fan for us. We started getting default notices on our home, we had one issue after another that included my water heater going out. I posted that my BFF (since I was 15) lives 4 blocks up from me and I asked if her DH (who is a plumber) can come by to look at it just so I knew if it was a gonner or what.
Anyway, she kept telling me how very, very busy he was, and he probably wouldn't be able to come by for FOUR days. Ok. I have a 4 year old, I need hot water. I kept telling her how I'd really appreciate if he'd come sooner and we were in a really bad place and I didn't want to spend the money on a new one if I didn't need to. I JUST WANTED HIM TO LOOK AT IT. So, he never came. Next day we had to borrow the $$ and get a new one.
She text'd me 2x's, just saying she hoped I wasn't mad, she was just the messenger blah blah. I never responded.
I was so hurt. Not only because she's my bff. Not only becausae I grew up with her husband, not only because, if it were me, I'd help my friends but also because I gave her a place to live more than once when they had issues.
So, yesterday my other BFF, Chris calls me. She asks if I heard from BFF #1, I say no and she says she contected her and asked if her apartment was still available because they aren't working out again. Now, they aren't friends. We all went to high school together but they were never friends. The last time BFF#1 had issues with DH, I asked BFF2 if she can stay at her place because I knew she was never home.
Ok, now, my WWYD question is, would you call her? I love her and I know she has no friends and very little family and I'd like to help if I can. The other part of me is still very hurt and is now aware of how one sided this friendship really is. I'm not one to hold a grudge but I do have to ask myself if the friendship is worth it. Any advice?
Sorry this turned into a novel.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you remember my post a while back about BFF...
Don't call her.
Here's the thing...and I'll try to make this short. These friendships end for a reason. Then we get all soft, get distanced from WHY they ended, and we start feeling bad. Thinking of all the GOOD things about the relationship and wondering why it even ended in the first place.
She is still going to be selfish....it's still going to be one sided. If you can live with that, go ahead and call. But I think it's best you stay away.
(I am going thru something similar right now with a friend that I had stopped talking to for a while and then we started talking again. And now I'm remembering WHY we stopped talking in the first place and really, it's a toxic friendship. Not overly dramatic or anything but it takes more effort than its worth. I wish I never reached out to bridge that gap again!)
It wasn't like you asked HER to come over and fix the water heater, right? You asked her to ask her husband. Things were probably already bad between them, or getting bad, in October if they are separated by February. Is it possible that she did ask him, he just wouldn't listen to her? It's not like she could physically force him to come over.
If I had a friend from age 15, who I knew was in need, there is no way that I WOULDN'T reach out, especially since she had no one else.
HUGS xb!
It is possible but doubtful. Neither of them are the type to jump up and help. I'd be ok with her saying that he was the one that didn't want to do it, but to me, just one responce on a text isn't cutting it. I've done a lot for her and I think the least she could've done was CALL me, or stop by even once since October 7th to see why I was still mad. She never even made an attempt. She has no clue what we've been through since October.
ugh this sucks.
And you are still thinking of helping her because...........?????
Honestly, you will help her. And then you will kick yourself for helping her. Things are not going to change. You will still be the one doing all the "work" and putting in the "effort" and she will still be the one-sided one who accepts that help and then forgets about the one that helped her.
I think this is your answer. It sucks, but I would just move on.
My BFF & I 'broke up' around July. It has always been onesided. Apparent to everyone we knew too. She never asked about DS. Would only come over after he went to bed. I would always have to hold back talking about him because I knew she didn't understand the important role he had in my life. Then she got pregnant and turned into a hormonal crazy woman and her pussbag boyfriend dragged me into their nightly high-school-style fights. I finally had enough and decided this was not a friendship anymore. I said my peace and walked away. A few months later, I learned that her dad had stage 4 cancer. As much as I knew that she was not my BFF or even a friend at that point, I could not ignore what she and her family was going through. I reached out to her parents (I've known them since I was 12) right away. A few days later, I left her a voicemail. Over the past couple months, we have lightly kept in touch - voicemails and texts here and there. Short update calls. She asked to be invited to DS's bday party - which I thought was a huge change/move on her part, so I did. We are never going to be best friends again, but I am glad that I reached out so we can have some form of a friendship - even if it is all based on history.
Anyway, you still care about her and there is nothing wrong with telling her that you are thinking about her and hope that she is OK. Just don't expect that she is going to change or your friendship is going to be BFF again. You guys are acquaintances at best now - but even acquaintances show a little support to one another. Obviously, just my thoughts. I have to admit, I agreed 100% with Jodi at first, but then thought about it from a personal experience. Good luck.
ps - I hope things are getting better for you guys.
David "BD" 2/8/07 Spencer 9/12/11You know, maybe you don't have to be BFFs again. But this is someone that you obviously still care about. Just like you don't give gifts to get reciprocal gifts back, you don't help people in need just to make sure that someone is there to help you in your time of need. It's not about keeping score, it's about helping someone who needs it out of the kindness of your heart and doing the right thing.
Honestly, don't rekindle your whole friendship, she sounds like a shiitty friend, but reach out to her and see if she needs anything. If you don't, I bet you will feel badly about yourself because that is how you felt when she didn't do it for you. Be the bigger person, then step back. I'll butt out now!!
I could be projecting but my best guess is this is the type of woman that can't "just be helped" and not become BFF's again. She is going to glom right back on to X and then X will be back in a friendship that is one-sided. Again, I could be projecting!
I'm all for helping people in their time of need. For goodness sake, I wouldn't turn my back on a stranger, let alone someone that was my BFF for 25 years. So I get that sentiment. But do I think X should be the one to contact her? NO. If this woman comes crying to X and needs a place to live, or what not, of course she is going to help her. But to be the one to reach out to this woman? No way.
Did you feel like she was a toxic friend when you were friends? I do feel some of the pp's are projecting and while I see their point, I also think if you leave it this way, it is always going to bother you. I've had similar things happen in the past and it always felt so much better when things were mended. If she is THAT toxic though, I would agree with pp's and say it's not worth it. But if it bothers you, I'd do it for YOU (as well as her).
Plus there is/was no closure and you are going to be thinking about this years to come. If you wait too long, it will become even more awkward. I think I'd do it now, unless she was so horrible it truly wasn't worth it.
Lastly, I have come to realize that different friends are good for different things. Maybe she isn't the type who would jump through hoops for you, but maybe she is a great listener, or super fun, or a great person to talk to, shop with, etc. Sometimes you also need to realize that you go to different friends for different types of things and accept that. Again, I would be very open to contacting her unless I literally found her to be more harmful when she was in my life.
No, she is not toxic at all. She's just not...involved. I guess thats the best way to put it. If I told her I needed to go out for drinks to talk, she'sd be there and listen but there would never be a follow up to see how I was. If I told her B was sick, there would never be a call to see if she was better. Or just her ever stopping by to see her, or me. She jogs passed my house and doesn't just stop in, never ever calls. Like I said, she's just not involved.
I'll have to think about this a little. I don't see her reaching out to me because I know she's stubborn and I know she realizes she's made no attempt since October and she'd look like a fool reaching out only when she's in need.
You all have really great points and I have to agree with everyone, which is why I'm on the fence. My DH, is a stubborn mofo and he just says "f*ck her" but I'm not like that.
and Joy, thank you, we are so much better!
I have a "BFF" like this. The thing I have learned about our friendship is to not mince words. If she pisses me off with her selfishness, I tell her flat out, "I'm sick of this being a one-sided friendship." I love her to death, and she is like a sister to me, but I am not going to put myself thru the emotional turmoil she brings to the table. But, at the same time, I will always be there for her. Its a difficult situation.
I understand that you want to help her, but if you do decide to contact her, I think you also need to put it all out on the table or else she will start taking advantage of you again.
Cole Joseph 7/05/07
Nora Anne 11/03/12
9lbs, 6oz
My DH used to be a lawyer. People would sometimes ask ME to ask him for something - a referral, advice, etc. All I could do is pass it on to him and say "hey, can you help out?".
Usually he was more than happy to do so, but if he wasn't, or he was too busy- what on earth am *I* supposed to do about it?
You don't expect her to force her DH, but yet.... that seemed to be the ONLY resolution. He should have come and looked and because he didn't, it's her fault.
And now it's on her to try "harder" to keep you from being mad at her?! Mad at her for what? Not putting a gun to her DH's head?
Especially when it's possible that you were coming to her at a time that she was having marital problems.
I don't know the full backstory, but it sounds like there are other issues. If so, then focus on what the REAL issue is. Being pissed because she couldn't force her DH to help you is kind of misguided.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Also, I'm going to throw this out, often times people who offer a service (whether it be a plumber or a lawyer or a doctor), they start to hate it when friends and family expect them to help out/ give advice for FREE.
Which is really what you're doing. You know someone who is a plumber, so therefore, he should help you out for free.
You're making this about you being in "need", but have you ever thought about his perspective on this? Maybe he's tired of people expecting hand-outs from him.
And then, again, it's somehow your friends fault....???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
These are my thoughts exactly. There are times I think my husband is being an ass about stuff he doesn't want to do. I would hate to think that someone was mad at ME because of something they wanted him to do but he wouldn't. Especially if they were my BFF.
I would call her.
I remember your post about this. And I remember that all you wanted him to do was look at your heater.
Here's the thing, even if her marriage was in the crapper at that time and her H was being a jerk and telling her no way would he help you, all she had to do was say that. Maybe not as honest, but something along the lines of "oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I've tried but he just won't do it." But she basically said too bad so sad for you.
My advice is don't set yourself up for hurt feelings and a one-sided friendship again. You're worth more than that.
I agree with this, and, I will certainly get crucified for my follow up comments. Here we go.
You said you haven't had contact since the texts back in the fall. You say that you are hurt because she hasn't reached out to you since. You say that she has no idea what you've been through since October.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't contacted her and you have no idea what she has been through since October. You've held a grudge about this hot water thing her husband did not fix for you. Now, she is clearly having issues with her husband (and in all probability was having issues back in the fall despite what you may say now) to the point that she is looking to move out.
Who here is the friend in need? You?
Drop her or don't drop her, but your keeping score on this relationship is at least part of the reason that the two of you have drifted apart.
This is exactly what I was thinking... if her husband is a bum, then he might not give two craps about you guys and your water heater. Or they were fighting/etc. and it wasn't a good time for her to be asking him for a favor. She may not have been in a position to help you. (as much as she may have wanted to)
I'd call her.
Also...one of the things that has become abundantly clear to DH and I as we've "grown up" and dealt with job loss and the general adversity that goes with life is that we can't count on anyone but ourselves/each other. That's just how it is. It's kind of a freeing concept really, if you have no expectations of the other people in your life, then when someone actually makes the effort to do something decent for you it's a pleasant surprise. So...it causes us to consider WHY we have certain people in our lives. Is it because of "what they do for us"? No-we've dropped that from the equation. We have them in our lives because we have a history together, we enjoy each other's company, etc.
And, there are some people in our lives that we "give" more than "get" from. I think this is OK too. Sometimes it's good to have people around that have different problems. Either it helps put our own problems in perspective, or it gives DH and I something to talk about..."I cannot get over that at age XX she STILL hasn't figured out blah blah blah". (Sometimes there are even people you keep around because they make you feel a little smug/superior!)
So, call. If nothing else, it'll make for conversation....
100% YES! exactly.
Anyway, thanks girls on your opinions (even the one's I completely disagree with).
both sides (on whether or not you call her) had valid points.
from past exp. i let a friendship fizzle and never got back in touch over good or bad points in life. I still am always left with a woulda, shoulda, coulda feeling over it and i have learned that that is no good either.
sometimes being a good friend is one sided. ehhh maybe she'll learn something.
you are asking here. so it is bugging you, if you call she might not even follow up (as she tends to do) or she just may and you will be able to help her out.
who knows how she'll respond the next time someone in her life needs help. i am forever hopeful like that, though.
So, this is it "exactly"? She didn't tell you "no" in the right way, so you're holding a grudge for 4 months?
I don't buy it. I don't think it matters how she said it - i think the fact that her DH didn't drop everything else he was doing to come over and give you FREE advice is what you're pissed about.
I'm sorry, but you're coming across as the selfish one here. It's all about you and how YOU think she should have handled things. You're not leaving any room for the fact she may be going through her own $hit.
Her life doesn't revolve around you. Her DH's life and job doesn't revolve around you. How she talks and how she phrases sentences doesn't revolve around you and your sense of "correct word order".
Again- be honest about what the real issues are. If you want to drop her, go for it. I don't doubt there is more to the story. But to do it over this specific issue strikes me as really petty and self-centered on your part.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
eastcoast - sounds like you are more upset about something than I am.
My last word on this (although I retain the right to rescind that this is my last word on this! LOL)....
don't be an enabler.
Have a great weekend X!
I think you should reach out to her. As far as being friends with her, I think that, right or wrong, you are not getting what you need out of this friendship. You need more out of her than she is willing/can give. But that doesn't mean it's her fault or it's your fault. You just are not right for each other
. Because of the history though, I'd reach out and let her know you are thinking about her.
To me, it's holding the grudge that shows her she still has power over you. My former BFF and I grew apart as we became adults and we are just casual acquaintances now. It We exchange xmas cards and birth announcements and get together about once a year. It is perfect for us. We are not meant to be BFF's as adults.
Really? I thought ECB was quite insightful. She was just playing devil's advocate and trying to get you to step outside of yourself for a moment.
FWIW, my dad is a chiropractor and he too had people that wanted free services from him all the time. It truly did get very old after a while because it was time away from his family and relaxing time. It was like he never got a break. Sometimes you really do just have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough. I also have a friend whose husband is a computer guy. They have the same exact problem. People constantly want him to come over and " just look for a minute." Well that rarely ever just takes a minute. They too have had to put their foot down and say no.
This. She might not have been able to 'make' her 'D'H come over to look at the water heater. I would rather know that I tried everything I could to make a friendship works. however, sometimes friendships just fizzle out...